*sigh

I haven't written on here for quite a few days. So much has already happened in such a little time. It seems that my feelings are all jumbled up in a big mass, even I don't know what I'm thinking.

I feel like my parents expect so much from me. Even though I know that when I start something, they just want me to do my best and that's why they keep pushing me. But I really wish they didn't have to do that so often..until I get mad.

This summer's gunna be like torture to me. I have to study this summer. So busy. Well, at least next year I'll be free (hopefully). I really don't know what to do about my future either. For now, some of you know that I wanna attend BCC my junior year.

I've asked myself many times, "Is it really because I wanna get away from here? Is it really cause I can't stand it anymore?" Yes, I've been homeschooled for almost 9 years now. It's going to be about the 10th year next year. Looking back, I don't see anything good about myself. I haven't done anything. I don't even know what I'm gunna be doing in my future.

I've done well in my swimming. Starting late, persevering, and just about catching up with everyone else.

And sure, I've did well in my gymnastics. Going to Junior Olympics after starting late and having only two years of training. Having a really lousy coach at the beginning of my first year, and enduring the hard second year. (I switched coaches my second year)

Honestly, I don't even know if I can get into BCC. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't get in. All the pressures already weighing me down. I only have one more year before testing. Although this summer isn't gunna be fun, I know that in order to get what I want for the future, this must be done. I've already built up so much fear within me. I find it so hard to just focus and work hard. I feel so stupid sometimes. Like I can't do anything.

In fact, I'm not only afraid of that. I'm afraid of other things too. Some of you may know what they are right when you read this, but others...hah. *sigh, how am I gunna keep on living life? Being afraid of these things...its not even worth it, but I just can't help thinking about it.