Attitudes

Text for dialogue: Aunt, Me, Dad, Mom

Oh my goodness!!! It's already June...and I didn't even realize it until the end of the day..Why does time have to move so quickly? I've had such a horrible weekend. Speaking of that, I've had such a horrible past 15 years. I feel like such an idiot.

My aunt came over these past few days. It's really nice to see her again, but I gave her an attitude today. Here's the whole story about today....lots of things have already happened.

Today was going fine until around 6 pm. We went to Wisabi Bistro in bell town. After we were almost done with dinner, my aunt goes, "Heather, do you really have a passion for your violin?" I replied, "yes." but at that, I knew it was gunna go deeper. I really dislike it when my parents or anyone asks me if I have a passion for it because I've been asked/lectured by my parents so many times already. She kept on going..saying things like, "Really? Cause when you're in HK, and when I come over to Seattle, I think that all those times included..I've only heard you play for about 5 minutes."
I knew she was being sarcastic, but still! Does she have to say that? It already annoys me so much. I know that right now, I suck at the violin. I don't put much time into it, and that's exactly why. I know that I should put more time in it. She also went ranting on about how when she heard it, it was outta tune. haha, it probably was. But being in the mood I was at that time, I answered like this.

"pshh, maybe it's YOUR ears that have a problem?" I'm sure that was the wrong thing to say...she shook her head. and then I added, "just kidding."

Was that entirely my fault? hm...maybe it was, it probably was. I shouldn't have done that.

In the car, I thought to myself, "do I REALLY REALLY like to play the violin?" I thought about those times where I was really frustrated, mad, annoyed, or just something on the negative side. I knew that after playing my violin, at times, I would be fine. My attitude wouldn't be horrible, and I would be happy.

When we arrived home, I played my violin for two hours nonstop. I actually did get a lot done. As I was finishing, my dad told me to come into his room.

In his room:

Mom was there too. He started on my attitude, and I felt my tears starting to well up, and just sit on the brim of my eye sockets. He started saying, "You know, I'm really tired of you. You're attitudes not changing at all. What's wrong? How do you want us to deal with it? What do you want us to do?"
Me: "I don't know right now. I really don't."
Silence fell in the room and then dad said, "I can see that you're hurt. But, what are you hurt from? What's wrong. How do we solve this?"
Me: *thinking* "Uhh, yeah. Of course I'm hurt. Half about this and half about other things. Things that have been happening in the year of 2009. Things that won't leave my head. But, I can't tell you. I really wish I could, but this stuff is to be kept to myself..and possibly some other friends."

So by now, my tears actually started flowing. I really didn't know what to say. Yes, I've been hurt, but not only by this. This is only part of it. I turned to face anything but them. Trying to fight my tears back, I turned back around. Nothing helped. It just kept flowing. I thought to myself, "Why? Why am I like this right now? I shouldn't even be crying. Heather! Just stop!"

Finally, my mom spoke up, "Why don't you go and get a piece of paper, and write the things that have been hurting you. Come back to us in 30 minutes. (10pm)"
I didn't answer her. I was thinking..."what's there to write? Everything on my mind won't relate to what we're talking about. If I did get a paper and write it all down, I would only be able to come up with one sentence."
I didn't say anything, I didn't move, nor did I look at her. Maybe I should've done one or the other. She ended up going out the room with the sentence, "If you don't wanna talk, I'm not gunna stay here. You're wasting time."

Dad goes, "If you wanna talk, get her back in here. Otherwise, I'm sleeping."

I go, "You guys just aren't patient!"

and again, dad goes, "No..I'm just tired."

I don't blame him for being tired. I know what he does everyday. And after work, he has to come home to see my mom and me fighting. What I was bothered about was how my mom reacted.

She just didn't really even try that hard, and then she just left. I went out to try to get her back into the room to talk. But the mood she was in, I knew nothing would get done tonight. She was in the living room just sitting there. I was trying to get her to listen to me, and also to talk. Here's the basic conversation.

Me: "mom, can you listen?" no response. "mom, can u listen?" x100
mom: "Say what you want!"
me: "no, cause I know that after I say it, you're just gunna be like, 'ok, fine. just leave. ur done' you weren't even patient when we were in the room."
mom: "I wasn't patient?!"
me: "no. cause you wouldn't have walked outta the room if you were."
mom: "I waited for your answer. I didn't get one, and I don't have time for you."

I said sorry to her. but after that, i said, "do you know what I ask myself after every single time I say sorry? I ask, why did I have to say the sorry? How come I never get a sorry?"
mom: "You don't have to say sorry to me if you don't mean it."
me: "That's not what I meant! I meant, how come you never say sorry to me? Why am I always the one saying sorry?????"
mom: "What have I done wrong? Why do I need to say sorry?"
me: "you know, all the things I've just been talking about for 10 minutes now are the things that I think you could change. You told me before, 'if you see something wrong, tell me. I'll try to change.' I never could tell you anything, but these are part of the things. You just don't listen to me when i say them. You don't pay attention."
mom: *looks to the side*

basically, the end result was that I told her I wanted to go to the Library tomorrow, and she said "no. I could just stay in the house, it's so big!" I asked why she opposed my of going to the library. She started saying things like, "We have a whole next year to prepare for. I haven't payed for any of the classes yet. we haven't even talked about it. And this year isn't over yet. It's not summer yet."
"Ok, so. we JUST talked about next year in the car. It all depends on what I'm doing for orchestra. I can move my classes around....We JUST talked about that this afternoon in the car, and now ur saying that we haven't talked about it at all? Are you kidding?!?!
And, I'm going to the library to do homework..I just wanna cool off tmr. I don't wanna get in another fight with you tmr. Isn't that ok with you? Why are you so against it?"
"I stay home all day waiting for you. Waiting to drive you places, cooking for you, doing everything. And when you say you wanna go out like this, you can just go? How about this. you go to the high school next year, and I'll just go find a job. We'll just go our separate ways."
"No. So your basically saying that if I go tmr to the library, then don't even bother to homeschool anymore?"
"just do whatever you want!!"

ok, I really don't know what to do now. there really isn't a way of communicating with her. It's just so hard! What can I do??? I pray real hard. Yes, I do. I wish our relationship was better. I wish she would be more patient. I was TRYING to not light the fire. I didn't want my voice to become loud again. I wanted to have a conversation. I wanted to just listen to what they had to say, and not have to say anything, but they made me say something. they left when I didn't say anything. So what can I do? I know why she's like that, but i can't do anything about it. If I change myself to what she wants, what I say will not be from my heart. It'll just be from my mouth. It'll be what she wants to hear, not what I want to say. We have totally different perspectives. We just can't relate!

When she's mad, she tells me to just go to Mercer Island High School.
When she's alright, she tells me I'm not ready, and that she's not going to give up. She keeps telling me not to go, and the she'll just keep homeschooling me until next year, where I'll go to BCC.

so what does she really want me to do? How am I supposed to fix this relationship we have? Moreover, CAN I?