Change

When I say I go too far, I do. In life, there's so much I'd like to stop. So many habits, so many temptations. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of sin. It's scary. To feel like I'm doing something wrong. Is it wrong? It's so hard to not chase after something I want so badly. But right now, it's not something I should be chasing. It's a new life. This fall, it's a new lifestyle. For everyone. My mom, my dad, my sister, my brother..and me. Everything's different now. We're all starting to walk down a separate road. The only thing that ties us back together is that we're one big family. A group of five that loves each other. Other than that we now lead separate lives--most of the time not knowing what the other is doing.

Share. It's the best thing we can do now.

Decisions. I hate them. I tend to chose the wrong ones all the time. Like now. Where's the line drawn? I see no line. I want to develop it, but why is it so hard? I want to do one thing, but when I'm in the middle of everything, I go the other way. I go with what my body tells me to.

Decisions. Are. So. Hard. To. Make.

How will I ever survive? =p

Blinding Light

I'm lucky.
The youngest of three.
the best of all teachings
but why must they take my breath away?
why must they drain all my energy?
they expect too much of me.
This life, this lesson to be learned.
It needs to stop.
everyday I'm worn. Everyday I'm waiting....for something new.
Nothing happens until I stand on my feet looking towards the light that once made me blind.
Being blind opened my eyes wider.
To see the glory.
To see what I was missing.
But in a flash, it was gone.
Now my life has been living itself.
yearning for another look.
I've lived my life for it.
Often falling into holes.
but you, my Savior, you have saved me
once, and will do it again.
Through my strife, through my laziness,
through everything you've been there.
Behind me all this time
waiting for me to turn around.
To learn to never travel ahead of You
To let You lead me so I don't go astray.
I've never forgotten that glory and grace.
I just need a booster through my pain.
let me see it once again I pray.

Inspired by Melissa Grimm

Faith, Hope, Trust

Where do those pleas go?
Where do my cries go?
When will I be free?
Free of sorrow and sadness,
free of those sinful charges?
What is a family?
What is a life of peace?

I walk through the valley blindfolded.
My cries. My pleas. Does anybody hear them?
Everyday I walk through this darkness.
Am I alone? No. He is here. I believe it.
It's Something that will never leave.
Faith, Hope, Trust, these things I have.
Over the hills I travel, over the mountains I tremble
looking for that person.
Nothing will stop me from reaching my destination.
Through sorrow and despair, Something guides me.
People around me talk
comfort? It's there. Helping me overcome.
I heard the voice, I heard it call to me
but when I ran, I fell. Not into a hole,
not into the ditch, but into quicksand.
Into something I couldn't face alone.
Damn his clutches, he will NEVER get away,
but here I am, stuck in his clutches,
Everyday those struggles sink me deeper.
Everyday I think I'll get out, but another problem arises.
I've sunk as far as I can.
Time runs out, breath runs out.
What will I be of then?
But I believe Something will pull me out.
At my very last Hope. I trust that Something will.

Inspired by Melissa Grimm

And....If Anyone Asks...

Nope. I'm not ok. This past week has been such a drag. BC apps...Classes, parents.

"You have a meeting today? Alright"
*goes to the meeting*
(the next day)
"Nope. I'm not registering you into BC. You're not ready. Spend another year in 10th grade."

So much on and off it's making my head dizzy. It's making me spin. It's makes me think that I really really do want everything to end. I just want to live peacefully without any yelling. I want to live comfortably. But apparently, life isn't like that. Life isn't as good as you wish it could be. And it's not even if you're lucky that things would go your way.

Parents parents parents. ohh, what should I do. Am I really the one in control of what I want to do? No...doesn't feel like it. They get to decide on whether or not I get to go into the RS program or not. One day they say yes, then the next, they throw a tantrum and say no...and that's NO. --with a period/end of discussion at the end of it.

Now tell me: what should I do with my life then?
I feel like if I take another year of homeschooling next year, I'll be in ruins. I wish..they would just let me figure out everything alone. I wish they would let me deal with what I want....because it's my life that I'm living..not theirs. Sure, they do have a say in everything I do, they do have a say in letting me to go BC, but....why do they have to make the final decision FOR me?

Let go of me and let me do and strive for what I want. Let me try living my life. If I can't get these things straight, I blame myself. I won't blame you. So let me deal with what I want. Please?

You've taught me enough.

Let Go of Me

Have you ever had the feeling that your parents were holding you back? The feeling or the fact that they want to keep you forever and not let you go? Being the youngest, I think I get the most of that. They keep saying that they want the best for me. They keep saying that they don't want to keep me locked in. Really? Does that work?

I wanna be let go of. I wanna explore. But they think I'm not ready. Not ready to face the world. So when will I be? When do they think I'll be able to stand my ground and face those who stand in my way? They say I'm not mature enough, but the thing is, I don't think that I'll ever be mature enough to face so much. If I'm not let out now, when will I learn? How will I learn? I can't learn when everything in my life is good as can be. It won't do me anything when nothing bad comes my way.

They want me to talk to them about what I face in daily life. But really, I don't face anything. Nothing bad has come my way yet. Nothing that I need help with has hit me in the face. And I'm sure that if they don't let me go, I won't have anything to talk to them about for another year.

There are just some things that I have to learn on my own. Sometimes they just have to learn to let go of me. If I need help, I'll surely come back -which is very very very likely. If I'm not mature enough, I'll definitely come back to them. Nothing will shake me. And that's what I'm hoping. Though I doubt it will be true because I'm not a person who can influence people well. In turn, they're the ones who influence me. But now I stand my ground and say: everything I believe in and everything others say to me, nothing will shake me to fall to the ground.

They...just have to let me go first.

Voice Lessons

So I recently started taking voice lessons. Actually, like really recently.. But anyways, got a new song today! Not really sure who it's by though. It doesn't say =/ Lyrics? haha, here:

Even Now

Even now, I remember all the empty spaces you filled with love.
Even now ev'ry corner of the world we shared is still filled with love.
Even now not a day goes by when I don't ache for you.

Through my tears, I still hear your laughter even now.
Stars will shine when they're gone.
Hearts that break will still beat on.
Letting go's the hardest thing to do 'cause all those feelings start, and time can't change my heart.
It all leads back to you.

Even now, you are in my dreams, and in my dreams you always will be.
Even now, you're the one true thing that brings my heart back home here to me.

When I'm scared I can close my eyes.
You are there, ever young.
And somehow I can always find you even now.
From all memories kept inside, to all the dreams we knew, the rush of you will always be part of me.

Even now you are in my dreams and in my dreams you always will be.
Even now you're the one true thing that brings my heart back home here to me.
Even now in my darkest night, still you shine silver light.
So I fall through forever with you even now.

The Story Of A Mother's Day Weekend

So this past week I've been so occupied with this and that that I feel like I have no more time to think. Now that it's been a week and a half, everything's beginning to just bundle up in my head. It makes me stressed to think about so many things at once. With everything flying at me, and with all the answers hidden, what am I supposed to do? Where can I find those hidden answers? I don't have the time to search for the little Easter egg that contains all the answers.

I haven't been writing much lately. Nothing's been really put onto my mind. Nothing special has been placed in my heart. At least just yet. I'm not gonna lie..I've been procrastinating on everything lately. You name it. You'd probably be right. Sometimes, I wish I could just make things up. I wish that my life was a dream. You never die in dreams, but in reality, you can die. Many times--obviously not literally.

Just a few days ago, I made my mother mad. Yeah, it was mothers day. No... actually, it started on Saturday. I was supposed to do Kelley's hair for her recital that day and then finish up some homework so that I could go watch Iron Man 2. Nope. Didn't work. In the car, I made my mother mad. I just wasn't in a good mood, but in all cases, I wanted to get out. She started going off about an essay that was supposedly due this Thursday. She had told me that I was to finish it this weekend--and knowing me, I procrastinated...and also thought that she meant Sunday. Everything turned wrong in an instant. It's surprising how fast the light of rage could just start to flicker. Doesn't take much apparently. Especially when it's me who makes her mad.

So long story short, she didn't let me go. Or in other words, I didn't get my way. We ended up in a huge fight and half of mothers day was basically ruined. I didn't go to church that morning. I had to teach/sub, but I ended up asking someone else to do it for me. Oh yeah. I felt so bad about that. I still do. Getting asked to sub for someone and saying yes, but in the end asking another person to sub? I felt bad. It's alright though, everything's over with and it worked out.

In the end, we went out for dinner--the whole family-- and then went home to watch a movie after eating the cheesecake that I bought my mother. We didn't talk about the incident after that.

I've got to mend my ways. Everything I do is always so badly thought out. Some things that I knew would happen before hand..but I still do it. It bothers me so much. This character inside my body. It controls me and I want to change it. I WANT to change. Into a new person perhaps? I want to mend my ways. It's always so frustrating when everything doesn't go my way. But I guess life isn't about me. Nothing revolves around me. It's just..me and well, others.

*sigh* so much to do and yet I'm still online. Homework due tomorrow that I haven't finished, and yet I'm still online....ahh, I better go.

May FIRST

So....whatever I was afraid of before May 1st, I'm not anymore....BECAUSE I PASSED THE BC TEST! Although, I am a little afraid of the future.. It's been a tough 10 years and now it seems like I'm finally moving on. On to something new. To me, it seems kinda absurd, but in reality, I'm kinda following a lot of people around me.

So it's my new chance to go out and prove myself to be who I really am. To also prove myself to be a strong christian. I need to finally learn how to stand my ground when I'm around people out there. The times when I feel lonely, the times when I feel separated, I know that I have Him.

So here comes another process of life. A change. A new opportunity to be challenged.

Stress Like Today, Tomorrow, And Saturday

So tomorrow's the big studying day. I'm quite nervous for Saturday.. Which is the BC entrance test. I'm sure I'll do fine...but I'd really really really feel stupid if I didn't make it in. It's all so fuzzy. My future. What I want to do. But I know this. I wanna get out. I want to go somewhere where it's quite and just focus on my surrounding. I don't wanna be so stressed. I want to just let it all out. Live my life happily like everything is fine. Unfortunately, life is hard. Life isn't just full of pleasure. Oh, yes. we wish it were.

I'm already feeling a bit stressed about a small test on Saturday. Now tell me how I'm going to get through this again? Tell me how I'm going to do it with this kinda mood.... *sigh.

Another Working Day To Fulfill

So here it goes to another day! Last week I got lazy off of math and had to do one weeks worth of it in one night. I don't think I slept till 4am. =[ It's alright though. I got 4 hours of sleeeep. Ahhh..sleep. Sounds so good. But here's to a new day with a bunch of new homework. And also to a new WEEK. Lets do this!

ahh, so tired.

I'm soo excited to read everyone's stories on Wed! Hopefully we'll get to share. :] ...just not mine =x

All Done!

After a LONG night of MATH homework..I'm finally off to sleep (:

Ahhh. Sleep. It has never felt better. <3

Treasure it. Whenever you have it.

My First Love

So before I passed my book along, I was reading Crazy Love. It's a great book. Something struck me while I was reading it.

It said that if you love someone, they would always be on your mind. That's great. It's so true too. I believe that if you truly love someone, they'd be on your mind no matter what. So why is God so rarely on my mind? Do I really "not love him"? So many things in this world are always on my mind..Food, homework, family, friends, etc. But I find that the only thing I'm missing is the word "God". My relationship with Him. It's not going anywhere! Communication..Prayers...

It has definitely been on my mind. The question of "Do I really love God the way I sing that I do?" Am I just saying things? Am I being a hypocrite right now? Often in worship the leader says, "I want you guys to sing what you REALLY mean." But I do think that we sing those words just because they're up on the projector. What if we made our own words to the song? Would they be the same? Probably not. Of course I wouldn't want to admit that I don't love God by not singing the song. If I made up a song. It'd probably end up being.

"Lord I love you
but I don't know how to show you.
Lord I love you
but you're not constantly on my mind
Lord I love you
but I need to see you
Lord I love you
but I don't think I know what love means"

Ok, so it's not that case that I don't love God. I really do. I guess I just have to think of Him more. He needs to be constantly on my mind instead of so many other things. It's true that faith plays a big part in this. The people you love..yes, you can see them. God, nope. You can't see him. It takes a huge amount of faith to even know that He's there. I've heard this question before: "What if God ISN'T real? What if you find out later that He's not real. That you just made a fool out of yourself singing and jumping like that?" Then I heard an answer: "I don't mind. I rather make myself look stupid than be wrong like you later." Yeah, that would be my answer too. I rather make myself look like a fool dancing and jumping for God than not believing in Him and then being thrown into the pits of Hades later just to be tortured.

People say that God is their First Love. They tell you to think of him as your First Love. Because when you think of Him as your first love, you give everything to Him. He's always the first in your thoughts. He's always the first in everything you do. So what should I do when He's rarely on my mind? Does it really mean that I don't "love" Him?

Live it

So yes, it's been a FULL month (actually..almost) since I've posted in here. My goodness! Why does time fly so quickly?

It's nearing the summer and it's the time where everyone starts slacking...majorly. Not saying that I don't slack within the year. Oh, you have NO idea. In some classes, it's the time where teachers pile everything that they have left on your shoulders. Nope. Not a good time. Summer's near and I'm sure all you can think of is...no school, vacation, and of course..friends. Homework's starting to get on my nerves. I hate those times where it's sunny out but I'm just stuck inside writing a paper--which is, yes. what I'm doing now. =P

Oh, but you can't forget blogging right? haha, my apologies to those who check my blog consistently -coughjeremycough- and don't get anything out of it because I don't post anything. Ohh, the busy days I have staring at the computer screen not wanting to do anything but sit on the couch and possibly just fall asleep.

Five weeks or 40 days till school gets out for me and oh my goodness. I cannot tell you HOW much my grades are falling rapidly. It's just that end of the year moment where you find yourself diving into the mode of not wanting to do anything. Oh how I hate these moments. =[

Stress stress stress. My BC entrance test is coming up on May 1st and I have no idea what to do. I have so much to do before that. So much to accomplish. Or just that I WANT to accomplish. Nothing's getting done for me and nothing will be done if I don't start alone.

Devotions for me aren't going well just because I'm not focused on that part of my life right now. Hmm. What a wrong way to go right?

I think I have my summer planned. Or at least what I want to do. Since my family's not going back to HK this summer. And I have noooo idea whatsoever if we're going anywhere--which sucks, I'm planning on just working. I wanna get my lifeguard license asap and work at the pool. After that, maybe I'll apply to Emerald City Smoothies on MI or something. We'll seee.

I'm excited for next fall. Going to BC and actually being able to get out of the house more than usual. I hate being cooped up inside this house all day long. Even though there's a nice view and oh I KNOW that many people would kill to have a life like mine. But..augh..nvm I don't wanna complain.

Life..is life. And ya just gotta live it.

Study Group: Commitment and Prayer

Last Sunday, the Girls in New Life (My youth group) started a new Bible Study. One with Commitment and Prayer. We will be meeting twice every month for three months. It's hard enough to stay committed to coming to church twice a week-moreover staying after church on Sundays. But I'm sure that when we spend this time with God, the relationship, the bond will grow tremendously.

At our first meeting we wrote down our prayer requests for this study. I would like to share them in public-also hoping that it is not only us girls who are participating in getting to know God, but also everyone around us. From Dare 2 Share (D2S) this year, I've learned how hard it was to share the Gospel with others who may not especially like listening to you. Much prayer is needed within that area. I've already seen people live the cause out. It makes me proud to see that we haven't stopped here just yet. That D2S wasn't JUST a spiritual high, but an ongoing life-time story that will help others also.

Many of you know that I'm homeschooled. I often ask myself how I can spread the word to others. But now I realize: Maybe I'm the background of everything. Maybe I'm the one who should be praying for those surrounding me and for those who are sharing. I went to school today and joined my prayer group. I have a lunch time of 40 minutes every Thursday. Some of the students there have formed a prayer group. We meet together at lunch and eat together. We go through our prayer requests, and pray together before heading to class again. I haven't actually joined the group consistently-esp. this year since I get there after lunch. But going there today made me realize how awesome it is to have a group of friends around you to pray for you. It was when a mother walked by us and said, "So you guys get together every week and pray together?" when I realized that by doing this, others can see. They can see that we're committed to living out the Gospel. I'm so glad that I have these friends in my life to lead me on. For helping me get back on the right track.

Anyways, this is my prayer list for this study group. May I ask that you guys pray for us too? Actually, not just us...but everyone around us. :] You're in this too, so why not live the cause together while we're at it?

Prayer Request:

-To be able to view God in a deeper level:

-To develop an intimate relationship with him: I've been a Christian "all my life" now and I still don't feel like I totally know what an intimate relationship with him is or just..feels like.

-Develop a stronger bond with him: like our book said. Demolish the strongholds that let you see God, but only from a distance.

-Develop a daily Bible reading habit: I keep saying this to myself over and over again, but it has actually almost never happened. It feels so redundant to say this once again, but....I'm going to try to change it once and for all. :]

-Treat Him like my first love: Just because He truly IS my first love, and I should never forget that.

This list could seriously go on forever and ever. But I think my ultimate prayer request for this journey with you girls is that we all learn the most out of it. Julie or maybe it was Kay Kay. But one of them said: "We'll only learn however much time we put in it." Meaning, if you put in 20 minutes per week, you won't get much out of this study, but if you put 20 minutes per day, you'll get soo much more out of it--and let me tell you now, it's such a great blessing to have so much information just put out to you like that with friends to help you go through it.

Coming To An End

The school years coming to an end already. Just a couple more months--hang in there! Honestly, these few months of school has flown by so incredibly quickly. Although at times, I would just sit in the middle of my empty living room and wonder alone. Daydream--yes, my favorite past time.

They say that time goes by quickly when you're having fun. Am I really having fun though? Are you? Or are we just...growing up? Growing up into the next generation. It's so hard to think that we're up next. We're standing on the edge of the mat that leads to the competition floor. Almost there. Almost there, but not quite. I'm not ready yet. No matter how confident I am, no matter how much I know that I'll blow the audience's mind with my very own routine..I'm not ready. Not ready to go out and perform, oh and I know that. So many things have been lingering in me and I know that it'll make me trip when I start to walk out in front of the judges.

It seems like to me, even though I know those things..I still walk out. In fact, I've already walked out. While shaking and tripping over my own feet, I walk out to the judges. I pose for the start of my routine and try to go with the flow. When I make a mistake, the small ones I wave off. The big ones I stutter for a second, but then wave those off too.

On the carpet, I felt like I was the only one in the world. I was in my own little world. I waved off what I did wrong and never thought about it twice. I was in a dream. Everything was perfect even though I waved my mistakes off. But when my routine finished, I snapped right back into reality. When I leave the floor, the scoreboard gives me my score. It's below average. --ohh, how I wish to be a kid again.

There's so many things in life to learn. I've heard that you can't learn it all alone. Take from other people's mistakes. Don't make it yourself, or you'll never get far in life. Don't worry though, you're not alone. Everyone around you: your family, friends, and mentors are here for you. Most importantly, when you ARE alone, when there's no physical bodies with you..God's with you. He's always with you even though you don't notice it. He looks over you. 他关心你. There's no other kind of love like that. You see, it's unconditional. Maybe you're lonely, but remember, He's always there with you.

So no matter if you're standing on the edge of that mat, or if you are in the middle of it waiting for your turn, don't be scared. Watch and learn from others who make mistakes on the floor so that you don't make them too. Fill your head with what's right-Not in the eyes of you or your friends, but in the eyes of the Lord.

I'll be here for you no matter what. It's a promise that I won't break.♥

A New Day Approaching-Change

Today's a new day and I'm going to make the best out of it once again. It's half spring break for me. The sun's been shining like crazy lately. Easter's coming up. It's the day that the Lord has risen. After three days of torture, He rises from the grave. He has wiped our sins away giving us a chance to live once again.

There's so many things that I want to have going on in my life right now. But honestly, there are things I need to throw out. It's those things that you hold so specially to your heart. An idol. Except, it's not exactly an idol. It's not a thing either. The thoughts that enter my mind. The things I think about. Everything.

It's a new day approaching, what can I change? Ohh, now that I have this question in my face..I'll say this. Don't be afraid of change. Ever. Because I'm telling you now, even right now, you're changing. Everyone changes, and you're not the only one. If it helps, I'm with you. I'll be here for you as long as you need me. I'm saying this because I know that I need to change. There are so many things in me that I need to let out. No matter if I've jailed them in for a day, a week, a month, a year, or several years. They need to go, and since it's a new day..I will. Anybody wanna join the club?

Promises To Keep

I promised myself that I would stop. I even told a friend...but did it happen? No. It didn't. I'm afraid that it'll hurt me later on. But not just me, others too. When will I learn? Ohhh, when will I learn. Keeping my own promises. Not only keeping the ones I make to others, but the ones I make to myself.

Hmmm, my friends are right. I am pretty stubborn.

Psalm 71:20-21

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more."
Psalm 71:20-21

A cure called comfort. You should try it too. :]

21 Hours

It's been 21 hours and I'm not even hungry yet. What's wrong with me? Haha, the chips I ate last night at 8pm probably filled me. =P Kidding!

I'm not exactly sure why I'm not hungry at this point. This is so bad for me though, so I think I'm going to break the run. Looks like I'm not going to have any problem with the 30 hr famine this year! :] So much fun. I can't wait.

So I'm cleaning my room by throwing things away..oh, joy. Haven't done any school work today..haven't eaten anything YET. And I wanna go running, but I have a feeling I'm going to skip out on it. Everyone's busy and I'm just at home almost doing nothing. Tolo's today, Bowling today, and also Jenna's concert today..oh, and a birthday party at CBC. Hmm...=[

Well, back to work!

Home-Sometimes Not What You Imagine

Sometimes home is not what you imagine. Everywhere you go there's walls. Sometimes there's people around, and sometimes..you're just alone. But when everyone's gathered, it becomes an argument. Mouths start chattering with words falling out..eyes start closing as tears drip out, and hands start shaking as you bring them up to wipe your face.

People say that everything can be solved. In a situation, nothing is impossible to solve in a family. And since we're all brothers and sisters, then there's no problem right?

These couple days have been such a drag. Yelling back and forth, emotions going up and down, not knowing if I should turn right of left, not knowing if what I want to do is the right thing to do. I really can't describe how much I want everything to be over. I just wanna run far far away. I wanna run wherever the wind takes me. When I was young, my aunts and uncles used to tell me that I was so light, the wind could blow me away. I wish that were true. I wish I was a feather, and that I could go anywhere the wind blew me towards. Wishful thinking huh?

It's like wanting a fairytale to be true. Though what is true..is that it'll never come true. After living for 15 years..almost 16, I feel like half of it was a waste. My heart is scattered in so many different places right now. On the street-waiting to be run over, In t he soil-waiting to be trampled over, and On the shore-waiting to be washed away. How can I gather them up again? It's like gathering all the feathers from a pillow that you ripped as they blow away. You don't know where they've gone. They could have been blown half way across the world. You just can't gather all the blown away feathers again.

Problems that can be solved, where are you? The ones that love, where are you? The ones that CARE, where are you? The ones that don't argue over the stupidest reasons, where are you? The ones that have a love for God and not materials, where are you? The ones that have a love for each other, where are you? The ones that shine the glory of God, where are you?

The ones that bring the swayed ones back on track, where are you? The ones that share the gospel where are you?

I'm pretty sure that another long week is coming up. I'll just have to get through it like I usually do. Lets boost up the prayers and the devos.

Dare2Share: Blaze

~Day One~
What a substance-filled introduction from Dare 2 Share tonight. A blazing fire that's waiting for you in the pits of Hades, or a wonderful place full of joy named Heaven? Which one will you choose? He said--the speaker--that God's responsibility is to save others. Ours is to share, and theirs is to believe. So why should we be scared of sharing our faith with others? It's our responsibility! Our PRIORITY.

In the drama at the end of the night, I was actually really surprised to see the movie that they played. When David said that he wanted Naomi to listen to his scream and torment in Hades so that she'll remember what she did to him forever, I thought that was absolute crazy. This might not have been the message through the play..but this is part of what I got out of it. I thought that David would tell Naomi how bad it was in hell, and tell her to try harder to share with others. I didn't think he would want to scar her for life. I mean, in the play she DID share with him..as the old park missionary said. Such a mind blowing thought. It scared me to death.

~Day Two~
Ahhh, late night sleep and early rise and shine on day two of D2S. Today was great. The sun was shining on Key Arena, and everyone was busy buzzing around inside.

So many messages to take in. So many thoughts that come flooding through. Coming through one ear and going out the next. I totally failed on taking notes. Everything was just so sudden. All I could hear echoing through my ears were: "Spread it! Spread it! You never know when it's too late!" Why is it so hard to spread the word? Why do we always fall back on telling our friends? It's supposed to be a good thing. It's supposed to be a happy topic, but we all treat it like it's invisible. It's news. News travels, but before it does, it needs our help. News can't travel without the help of a person's mouth.

It should be the gossip of the year. That He is coming back soon. It should be the new hot topic. Because He is a celebrity too. He came to earth, he died, and he left. He was a celebrity at that time. Now He's coming back. Isn't that the greatest news of all? That should be on the front covers. It shouldn't be anything else. That news should be able to pull through for the next decade.

~End~
Honestly, I never finished this post until today-May12-, so I don't remember much. But I do know that it was a great experience for me. I don't know where else I could receive that teaching. Where else would you learn how to evangelize? Where else can you get that fire to go around school and spread the Gospel? Everything in this retreat was great help. But now, it's May 12, and I still haven't done anything. I haven't tried hard enough and now I know what they mean. I haven't been living The Cause. I haven't been living anything out. Everything I've been thinking about has been about me. It's hard. It's a challenge, but will you take it with me?

Today, I'm not gonna lie, I'm really disappointed with myself. I've heard the message already. They've done their best. Why am I not putting anything into action? I'm a homeschooler. I don't get out much. Not many of my friends aren't Christian. <---that's my excuse. But it's useless. Excuses are useless. They don't do anything but bring you down. No, they don't bring you down. They drag you down instead. How do I start? Hmmm. I have no idea, but I intend to figure out somehow. First by praying. This is hard. This is a challenge, but are you willing to take it with me? (And yes, I meant to write that twice. It wasn't a mistake.)

Weekend: 3.12.10

First night of Dare 2 Share! It's going to be a blast. I hope. I'm not sure if you could say I'm excited to go right now just because I have so much to do...ohhh what a long weekend waiting for me. But I do need a boost when it comes to my relationship with God. Maybe I'll get that tonight?

Just finished making one batch of sushi with my sister and Jason. Pretty fun. I would post a picture, but sorry..I don't have a camera right now. <--ohh, how I wish the other one didn't have a problem. I haven't done much today. Wish three people a bigg happy birthday..watch a movie, make sushi, laugh and play, oh no...what about homework? Haha, mm, now THAT just went over my head.

I'm excited for what's ahead of me in my life..but at the same time I'm scared. What will I turn into? Why is studying and getting into college so important. Most of all, what is WRONG with this community? They're crazy....don't even get me started. =P haha. I wanna make new friends. No, this doesn't mean I'm going to throw away my old ones, just..I wanna make new ones. New supporters. New friendship that will last me a whole life time. Maybe it'll help me forget the ones I want to--and start a new life at the same time! What do you think?

I thought this was going to be a new year for me. I thought I set some goals. I thought I started on them too, but nooo. I thought wrong. I've been dragging them out --way to long now. Gotta start. First, back into devos. Second, back into education. Third, lets let go of some things --the past and the present. :] I'm READY. Lets do this.

Christianity

What is so hard to accept in this religion? That someone named Jesus came to earth and died on the cross and rose three days later? But in the midst of his life, he did many miracles, proved people wrong, and also preached to others? Why is it so hard for others to believe? Just plainly believe and accept it?

Is it Satan? Is it what they do everyday that keeps them from the truth? Or is it even that I'm wrong and they're right? So many questions. So little time to answer them. And also all those questions that I can't seem to find the answer to..but I just KNOW it's right. I know that I'm right. But how do I explain it to the opposing team?

There's a friend who's struggling. Not just one actually, but many. How do I bring them to Christ? How can I be that example for them?

Another Month

Oh Geez...It's March already! Can you believe how fast time can go by? And also how slow it can too? I sometimes wish it would just...all STOP.

Though I guess as of now, I need time not to stop. I need it to keep going and going and going....until I start to forget some of my past memories. They are fading now..but not enough.

Another month to pass. Another month to go through. Another month in life. Time Time time. I've heard that it's everything to people.

I haven't actually given any update on this blog about my life in a long time. For the past month I've been thinking about going for Running Start (RS). I attended two meetings, and I need to register for the test by March 22nd. If I do, I'll probably end up taking the May 1st test. What a bummer. They made it harder..just for me. :]

Questions have been flying through my head recently. Sometimes I just don't know how to stop them, so I just sit at my desk daydreaming. Dreaming about...if I did this, then what would happen? If I asked this, what would happen? If I...If I..If I. It was always about me...Oh, let me throw one more question in. If I don't make it into BC, what will my life be?

I don't know the future. I can't tell what's going to happen, but I can certainly make things happen in the meantime. Like studying for that test--to make sure I get in? I hate being lazy. I hate procrastination. Why is there procrastination in the world anyways? It doesn't benefit us in any way..

Summer. I probably won't be going anywhere. Honestly, I'm not that excited for summer other than no homework. Everyone's going to be doing their own stuff, when I'm sitting around doing nothing..almost. I heard from my parents that we were going on a road trip down to Cali for six flags. Who knows if that's going to happen. State hopping again? :] That would be fun. Hopefully it won't end like last time. hahaha.

I need to plan something for my Summer. I have a feeling I want to do these:

1. Life Guard Training
2. Work--Starbucks, Marywayte, somewhere..
3. Chinese?

What else can I do? OH. Work out. hahaha. What a great summer. I can feel it already...not

But for now, there's already so much to think about. So many questions....so many actions. I have to say though, this school year's almost over..and it went by WAY too quickly. But then again, if I think back, it also went wayyyy too slowly. Just maybe at some parts? =P

Living life is hard, but I guess it's time to put my life back into order and let God lead it again.

Knowledge + Action = Faith

So there was a devotion that I read today. It contains a verse from Hebrews and I just wanted to share it with all of you out there. --of course, including my thoughts about it.

For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard it did not combine it with faith. -Hebrews 4:2

This goes back to Dis-eased. We talked about faith...and in small group, I talked about how faith without deeds doesn't do anything. Just like how I was going to give up on going to the retreat itself. Instead, I put it into action, and was able to go to retreat. That's one of the decisions that I will never regret.

"For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did" What about the ones that have never heard about the gospel? Well, I think it says that their judgment will come later on too. And that they will also have a chance to believe.

"But the message they heard was of no value to them." Do you think the sermons you hear are of value to you? Do you think that you could put what you hear from the church, radio, counselors, and parents into your daily use? I'm still working on it..and my, is it hard.

"because those who heard it did not combine it with faith." Ever give a second thought to whatever you hear? If it's good, what did you do about it? Have faith that it'll happen in your life, and then leave it alone? Faith without deeds doesn't do anything...

I think this past month this is what I've learned most. That faith can't do anything alone. It needs your action, and your help.

A Friend That's Always There For Me

She's a friend that would do anything for her parents. She's a friend that will try her hardest to not make them mad. So what do I do when in the process she gets hurt? She can't come out to see me because she's afraid that her parents will be mad. She loves them, but she hates them. How can I help her? in any way??

I love her...but idk what I can do for her. She's always here for me, now how can I be there for her this time? It's just so difficult..

Capture[d] 2: Dis-Eased to the Max

So this is the THIRD time I'm trying to type a note. AHHH. Everytime I pressed backspace, it went to a page before. =[ So now I need to retype it....if I remember it.

Sorry this note is so late, but here it is! It's quite long, but bear with me.

14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? --James 2:14-16

Praise Night December 11, 2009

I still remember the energy from this night. The mixed up set from Darren Chan, and the Hillsong set from Matt Sekijima. It was the night where the energy for Dis-eased started.
"Your love brings me to my knees again, we're gunna bring an anthem of love, we're gunna live for you. May your love become my every thought, I wanna know the sound of your heart, I wanna live for you now."

Dis-Eased: It's normal to be uncomfortable.

"DONNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP MISSING THE EXITS!!!" Haha, so we would've gotten to camp 30 minutes earlier if not for Donny missing the exits.. (: Haha, sorry donny..it's true. But it's alright, because we had an awesome time in the huge red van with 7 people. Serena was teaching me how to harmonize to songs...which I failed. Other than that, not much went on.

Saturday:

Worship 1:

First worship was led by Jesse Ma. His set was an amazing kickoff to this retreat. Thank you so much for leading us into worship! You did amazinggly well!! The second song-City On Our Knees- really touched me as Dis-eased started. It's soo true. Since I want to change the world, why not start here and now? I don't need to go to some other place to start either do I? I can start here and now. Even though there's fog, I know that through it..there's hope- and I carry it. So why not start here and now?
Another part of a song that made me realize how much God means to me, and how much he really has done for me was Every Move I Make. Jesus sends waves of grace and mercy to us. It's without a price too! How great is our Lord!? "His love has captured me, oh God this love how can it be?" Yes. His love really did capture me at that point. I finally realized once again, His love IS really great. Wow..
Thanks so much for leading Jesse. I really appreciated it.

Message 1: Comfort (Matthew 4:1-13)
One of the questions in the message by Dr. Bo Lim was, "Are you obsessed with comfort?" He also talked about how Jesus was on earth as a human. He went through all the trials and tests by God as a human, so we don't have any excuse to avoid trial. With Him, we can do it. "God loves us, God tests us, God confirms us". The part in the message about how we don't see the trials because we avoid it really struck me. Do I really avoid my trials? Do I always want to go on a different path when he directs me to a specific one? In order to be a disciple of Jesus, we need to be uncomfortable. Jesus didn't lead a comfortable life, and he was a disciple of God. Even though He allows Satan to test us, He doesn't want you to fall. He wants you to have faith in Him. This message was such a good kickoff to the weekend.

Small Group:
In small group we talked about faith. How much faith do you have in God? What would you rate your faith on a scale of A-F? I personally said that my rating changes all the time. It never stops fluctuating. Some days, my faith may be a B, but other days it may drop to an F. Even though it drops to an F, God does bring you back up to him. Little by little, my faith grows again. Over the past year I've really learned that He never leaves you hanging over the edge without saving you.

First half of the Day Done: I'm not going to lie. I was already just about to fall dead. I was so tired already from everything that happened that day..plus getting just about 4 hours of sleep the day before due to excitedness and creepy plans for the night. :] I'm totally honest right now. Even in the first half of the day, I couldn't see God working in me, in my friends, or just in the camp. But I knew I just had to keep waiting.

Expectations? No, I didn't have much. Just due to the fact that I knew that "nothing" could beat last year's Capture[d] retreat. That was amazing. Even from the start of when I got there--which I got there on Saturday instead of Friday--, I knew that God definitely had already done so much in the group of students at the camp.

But back here, in the year of 2010, we're back at home in Camp Arnold again....could God really change us once more?


Worship 2: Matt Yoshihara!
Worship number two really just brought me back to the heart of worship. Knowing that His love NEVER fails just brought me to believe even more that God would move in this retreat. Song number 4 was The Saving One. "His pardon for my sin, His bounty for my need, From slavery and chains I am redeemed." It really shocks me thinking about what Jesus really did for us. Thanks Matt Yoshi!

Message 2: Selfishness (Mark 8:27-38)

This message talked how Jesus used is status not only to please himself, but to please others. He was a real servant, as well as our Lord and Savior. There's a warning that says, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny themselves and take their cross and follow me." (Mark 8:34) What SHOULD I live for--the kingdom of God. What DO I live for--myself, others, or God? Jesus left us here to take up his business, and we can help by taking up our own cross and following him. The kingdom that Jesus brings is of justice and peace. People are set free, and the mourning will be comforted. Can I really give myself all to God? How can I not be selfish myself? How do I become a person of faith and care for others? How can I understand what God tells me through the Bible by not being selfish? I don't want to take up my cross and give up half way, nor do I want to commit to myself and end up lying to myself. But Jesus went through it as a human. I/We can too right?

Small Group:

This was our second small group time. I already knew all the girls except for my leader and Monica. My first thoughts on this small group was, "How am I supposed to be 'uncomfortable' here when I know all of them except for one person?" But it's alright. I didn't exactly need to be uncomfortable around them. They were my small group, and I had many many other chances outside of small group to feel uncomfortable.


End of the Day Recap:

So by the end of the day I was already a little worn out from the trip there, and just by everything that happened during the days before. Even then after having two worships, and listening to two sermons, I didn't really feel God's presence. I asked myself, "Ohh, what should I do???"

Beside the point, dinner was awesome Saturday night. So filling. <3

Sunday: Another Dis-eased Day

In the morning I awoke and realized that it was already the second day of Dis-eased. At 8am, a couple girls and I headed towards the chapel for morning worship with Darren, Matt Yoshi, and a couple other people.

After the worship, I had devotions alone on a bench. Devotion time on Sunday was a big realization for me. I actually followed the devotion in the back of the book. While I was reading about how Jesus preached to so many people, and then told Peter to throw his net into the water. The question was, "what was Peter's Dis-ease?" I thought so hard about that question. I felt like I couldn't write anything down. Did I really not know how to go in depth with such a small passage? How do people interpret these things? I finally came up with an answer saying that his dis-ease was that he lacked faith. Even though Peter let his net down, he still said, "We have fished all night yet caught nothing." To me it showed that he lacked faith in the Jesus. The next question was, "What is significant about Jesus' answer to Peter when Peter said, "Go away from me, for I am a sinful man." (Jesus' response was, "Do not be afraid, from now on you will catch men.") This question made me go blank, and still....I'm thinking about it.

Worship 3: Matt Sekijima.

Amazing set played! Hillsong set!! I'm so glad that we have so many talented teen worship leaders in our midst. It's really a great blessing to me to hear them all play from different churches. Thank you so much worship team. You're all the best!

Message 3: Security (Isaiah 44:9-20)

Ohh! This was the message with the grizzly bears! :] Ahh. gross. But nonetheless, I learned. Ps. Bo spoke about idols. What in our life do we make idols of? He mentioned the "Truth Behind Idolatry". (1. Idols don't hold any actual power. 2. Idols are the creation of humans. 3. Idols promise to meet a human need for security--and we are people who need a lot of security.) What can objects really do? They can't love you back. So why waste your time worshiping it? "Your view of certain things-such as money- will be your view of those things when you are older. How you feel about one thing, will be what you feel for a lifetime." So be careful what you feel and do about certain things.

Use your time wisely, and care for others of God's kingdom.--because you never know when you might suddenly lose it. Just like the book Crazy Love said, you're only in the movie of LIFE for about two-fifths of a second. So use that wisely. :] Share with others the love of God.


Lunch, Free time, Picture, and Organized Rec. (:

Worship 4: Darren Chan.

The second song that we sang, "Give us Clean Hands" gave me a flashback of all the events of the past year. Man, I've really done so much that I was in desperate need for clean hands. I needed not only to clean my hands in a sink, I needed God to cleanse me. I needed a pure heart. One that could once again shine his glory through me. It made me realize, how can I shine His glory through such a heart of mine? Such a dark heart. It's like I'm sharing a REAL disease. I was on stage, but I was ready to break down and cry saying: "It's all for you, it's all for you. I'm letting go, I'm letting go."

Message 4: Indecision (1 John 2:15-17)

Oh wait. THIS was the grizzly message. hahahaha. :] What great memory. So one of the first sentences that Dr. Bo Lim said was, "Do not love the world." He also said, "If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is NOT him. He spoke about people who are of God, and people who are not of God. He emphasized on NOT loving things that won't love you back. Not giving yourself to things that cannot love you back. He also emphasized that: "Either you are a christian, or you're not." There's no in between. It's clear.


God is Light and God is Love.
God is light, and the world is darkness.
The world cannot give you what God can.

Last but not least, We love because He first loved us! -1 John 4:19

Sunday Night:

So Sunday night was kinda a big hit to me. When they told me to draw my own heart and let someone else interpret it, I was thinking, "What is this? Did I really come here to draw my heart? But actually, I realized that the reason I said that was because I really didn't know what was in my heart. I didn't exactly find anytime through the weekend up till then to examine it alone. To find out what God really wants me to take in throughout this weekend. This is what it turned out to be:
The night was so touching. Drawing your own heart, sharing it with others, interpreting other peoples hearts. And then the most loved part of all, fellowship, encouragement, listening, and prayer. Precious tears were shed with friends. Prayers for others were said. Problems and lingering feelings were shared. I am so incredibly blessed to have friends that surround me with love and pray for me even though they don't know what's going on in my life. This is actually my moment to thank every single one of you that have prayed for me before and still are. I'm not even joking. Your prayers are what pulls me through life. Without you guys, I definitely wouldn't be where I am right now in life. There's so many things that I wouldn't be able to do right now if not for your prayers and moments of encouragement/sharing.

It was then when I finally felt God's presence there. It wasn't only because the lights were dimmed, and everyone was crying. It wasn't that simple. It was that I felt and even saw with my eyes how God was working through each and every one of you. This is for Cornerstone and CBC. We all went to Capture[d] together. Through this experience, I've known most of you guys for a year already. It's a true blessing that I could see each and every one of you guys grow throughout the year. And I wanna tell you all here and now that: really, you guys HAVE grown..and I've seen it. Keep trusting and believing, because I know that He has a plan for you.

I actually didn't think that I would be shedding tears that night. While drawing my heart, I thought that this night would be a night where I go encourage instead of get encouraged. Instead, I was able to encourage and get encouraged. Even through your many stories of Dis-eased I was encouraged. And even now, through your notes, I'm encouraged. I'm encouraged to start my life anew and let God lead me with his own hand. Thank you so much.


Monday:

I'll keep this short since my note is so long already.

Worship 5: Matt Sekijima

:] Thanks so much for finishing us off with another great set.

"I lay my life down at Your feet

Cause You're the only one I need

I turn to You and You are always there



In troubled times it's You I seek

I put You first that's all I need"

I humble all I am all to You

Message 5: The Cure: Love (John 21:15-19)

This was basically a wrap-up of all we talked about this weekend. :]

It emphasized on: "Feed my sheep"--feeding others with the Love of God. And to follow Him freshly everyday like we JUST met Him--a new best friend. Even if others fall away from Christ, it's my/our responsibility to keep encouraging them to follow Him.

I'm so thankful for all of you. Dr. Bo Lim, all the Pastors of all the churches, the counselors, and of course...all the students. This could not have happened without all of you. I'm looking forward to the next time I see you all.

God is Good. ♥

Wait, Pray, And Believe---Dis-Eased Story

So this month was a really really really long month for me..And I just wanted to share with you guys what happened. :]

Of course, everyone was bubbling with excitement over the new Dis-Eased retreat ever since Praise Night Pre-Rally. I was too. Until I asked my parents if I could go. This was the beginning of January. From then on, I didn't show much excitement when people around me talked about retreat...cause I knew I couldn't go. I tried every way to tell my parents that it'd be good if I went, that it would be a really good experience. Their first reaction was that I was really irresponsibly undisciplined. I would sleep late, and come back home cranky from the weekend.

From then on I tried to focus on changing my attitude around people and also on my grades for school. As some of you might know, I'm trying to do my devotions daily now--which I admit, I didn't do before. I myself think I've come a long way with my attitude from a month ago, but even with my attitude now, my parents went on tangents saying that I'm irresponsible, talking about my priorities, and just naming things that I need to work on. (I'm going to hold it right there. I'm not saying that my parents are bad or anything. They're amazing. I'm just telling of my experience)

It was a week from the due date of the permission slip for Dis-Eased, and my parents had only budged a bit on their answer. Actually, only my dad. Needless to say, I started doubting God a little. I asked, "Why are you not letting me go to the retreat?" It seemed to me that going to the retreat meant everything to me at that point. Last Friday, I asked my parents again if I could go. My mom still gave me a hard no. It was that night that I cried continuously. Then she asked me, "What's your real reason of wanting to go anyways?" I stuttered....and couldn't answer.

Why DID I want to go? Just to meet people and have fun? No......that must not be a reason. If I tell my parents that, of course they'd say no. Even I would. So why DO I want to go now? That weekend, I took the time to think hard and pray about how I should answer myself. It was a stumbling question for me, but I did get over it at some point.

Every day of my life since maybe I was in middle school, my parents have been telling me to change my stubborn attitude. I've tried, but not hard enough. They said that I need to change my heart before I change anything else. Now what the heck does that mean? Ahh, well, to me, it means to change my whole person. My personality, my character, the way I act, the way I influence, or GET influenced by others. So this month, I've been working on my attitude. I say, it's come a long way already....but there still are some other things I need to pray about and work on.

Last Sunday---four days ago--, three things happened.

The sermon by Pastor Tung was about...meaningless in life. It really hit me while I thought. Why is the retreat so meaningful to me? Is this what God wants? What is meaningless in my life? And what is worthwhile to think and do?

In sunday school, Brian Ma talked about miracles. We watched a video about parents who had a child that was suffering from some kind of rare disease. It couldn't be cured, but they trusted in God. They said, "Take him if you will, we'll trust in you." (at least something like that.) It moved me to say, I'm crying about not being able to go to a retreat, but they're crying about their son. I'm not just about to die because I'm not going to retreat, why am I acting like this?

The last thing that happened last Sunday was that I spoke to Darren. I told him the reason why my parents didn't want me to go. He told me to tell them that this retreat could change my heart. I thought about that before, but I didn't know how to put it into words for my parents. After thinking over it, I went to them that night. This is what I told my mom, (of course not in exact words, but I'll try my best. It's just mostly...what I meant)

"Hey mom, about that retreat...? Umm, this is what I think about it. This is the reason I want to go. I wanna go there to have a change of scenery over the weekend. I want to explore what God has really given me. I want to look out and say, "Yes. This is what God has given me, and this is what he created." There at the retreat, I will have a better chance at looking back on these fifteen years of my life and say to myself. What needs to change in this heart of mine? What is it that keeps me from changing? Habits? Friends? Experiences? Whatever I need to change, whatever I find out about myself during the retreat, I will do/change. It's the time I'll take to ultimately change my heart. I'll come back as a person that not only has a "changed" heart. I'll come back as a person who can influence others with the love that God has shown me. His glory will shine through me to others. I see this as a great opportunity to ultimately change myself into a better person which God will say, 'It is good' as he said in Genesis with is creation. Will you give me an answer about this retreat tonight?"

I'll be honest. Before this talk with my mom, I was just about ready to give up on trying to go to the retreat. I didn't think that I would be able to go last minute, and you could even say, I lost trust in Him. Yes, I kept praying, but what does praying do when you don't take action? Right?

All I can say now, is that....haha, He really knows how to answer a prayer at the peak of time. When I'm just about to lose trust in Him, he pushes the button relieving me from my troubles. I know that quite a few of you have prayed for me during this time. I feel so blessed to have you guys as my friends. The friends that I will keep forever. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you guys for praying for me, and doing all that you have done.

I've learned from this lesson to trust in Him always. And if you're having trouble with Him, pray. He may not respond to you when you want him to, but wait and believe that it's the best for you. After what happened this month, I really thank God for how it turned out. When I was about to lose my trust, he brought me right back up from a hole with one hand and made my "trust" meter go higher than ever.. I'm sure he will do that with you too. As long as you trust and believe. ♥

The Most Annoying Thing On The Face Of The Earth - Grades.

I got two grade reports back today... (: English and Math. Stupid English still has a B....But at least I raised it from a - to a +. Doesn't really help that much to my parents unless it's an A though. *sigh....how much better can this get? fml. Math arrived with an A though. haha, just BARELY. I should say A- though.

So I thought I could bribe my parents with my grades. I wanna go to Capture/d/ 2 (aka. Dis-eased). I really do hope they let me end up going..cause it'll definitely be another great experience. Besides, sometimes I actually do think I need some time away from home. =p Away from all the...."drama?". Haha, ok..not really.

Why Why why is time going by so quicklyyy? (: I'm gunna make an abrupt stop to this post..

. Period

What A Nightmare - When The Time Is Right, It Will Change

So I don't really know what to do anymore...Why is it that every single time I'm trying to fix this, they just get even worse? Why is it that every single time I'm trying to fix my attitude towards her, she finds something else to say? It's like I can't run away from evil. I'm stuck. Stuck in a hole that I'll never get out of unless she changes too. It's not only me. It's the family too. They're so unhelpful. It's crazy..I'm always at home doing homework, never getting the chance to go out...but then when they get home, all they can do is yell. These past few weeks I thought were pretty good. Just up until today.

Every single time I want to go somewhere, she just has to throw a fit. She HAS to get mad no matter what. It drives me insane. I can't stop it as much as I want to. And as much as I want to tell someone who will be there fore me, I can't. It's just you and me, my blog. Oh wait, there's God too. Only in times of trouble. Oh, how many times I've prayed for her. So many times I've prayed and asked for her to see what's better. To hold our anger and to speak softly.. There's a verse:
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

No matter how hard I try I can't run away from it. Sometimes it makes me think that this verse is a lie...but I'm sure it's not. It just happens to be those times where I can't control anything..even with my softest answer.

My dad was talking about the Israelites in the car coming back from working out last night, and he talked about how they complained so much. After wanting water, they complained about food, and after that, then they complained about water again. Then I was thinking: "That's exactly what I'm going through right now. It's like I can't get rid of the complaints about myself. It goes from my homework, to housework, to me being selfish, and who knows what next... But even so, God was merciful and provided everything for the Israelites....and while they were complaining, he was patient with them. How does he do that? Seriously. I could've exploded at anytime. I guess it just shows how much more sinful we are.

Psalms 40:1 ---
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.

Will he do the same for me? I hope so...when the time is right.