So much confusion is over there at home. Apparently, there's so much hurt and emotion. I don't wanna be at home..I don't. I wanna run away. I want to go somewhere far where my friends are there so I could rant.
I don't get why she won't let me go. It's Cindy's last day here in Seattle for the summer, and she's not letting me go. I'm trying to fix my attitude, but I can't when she gives me hers. I don't know if it's cause she doesn't understand me, or if she just wants to keep me away from everyone? She makes me mad, she makes me cry. She makes me not wanna be at home. When I ask why my brother and sister can go out, she asks back, "Are you them?" I said no, but I need a social life too. I need what they have..they're allowed to go out and all that."
Everything she says she ends it with the sentence, "Where's your obedience??" What the heck. Almost every time I ask her if I can go out, the end result is that I stay home, and do NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. And she makes the excuse of us having to clean the house, talk, etc. And she tells me that she doesn't wanna keep me at home..she wants me to have fun with my friends. uh huh, yeah RIGHT. I don't believe her at ALL. Goodness, I wanna be outta here, but I can't just run away.. Where can I go? I wish I had a friend near me where I can just spend a night or two over there. But, I don't.
Why is my brother just like her? Why does he come in the room yelling at me? Why does he give me stares? Why is it that the only sentence he can say is, "Can't you be more responsible??? of your life?" Everyone goes, yeah! He cares for you so much.. But sometimes, I just can't see through those tear-stained eyes.
There are so many things that he does "for me" that I really dislike. I wish he wouldn't do that. Is he really just looking out for me? ....whatever
I'm going out on a walk. I'm going out on a walk. A walk to the north end. A walk to her house. I don't wanna be home. I wanna be at Edwina's. I don't wanna deal with everything right now. My life is so useless..
6.20.2009
6.19.2009
Take a Walk
Although it's so dark out, it's still so refreshing to go out for a walk. When you've been inside all day and you still have nothing to do by the end of the day.
Just like today. So much has been on my mind since the moment I woke up to now. Nothing to do. I hardly did anything. At last, I went out for a walk.
I met Emily and Jason while walking past their house and they joined me in for the walk. We walked to South end QFC and it was amazing. In the end, I stayed up there for a while. After they left, I started trudging down again towards my house...Ahh, the house.
Slowly, I walked down..not really knowing which path I took, but only knowing that it leads to home. Yes, I ended up walking right in front of his house. Was it intentional? Maybe. I'm not sure of it myself. Knowing that he wasn't home for the weekend, yeah...it probably was. After standing there just staring and wondering what I should do, I ran off with my little legs..
Getting home was another drag. I soo didn't wanna be there. I was late for New Life..and I wasn't happy. Nothing's been going on right, and I don't know how to fix it. Why am I the only one who can't get outta the house? I'm always stuck here with my emotional mom. I don't know how to deal with her. I'm trying hard to fix myself, but she's not helping me at all.
That week, when I had my science final, I didn't study well. I panicked while lunch and she was there. My dad was there too. I was trying to memorize all the human anatomy..But I couldn't. I was too scared. What made me even worse was my mom. She would stand on the side saying, "Why even bother studying now? You're gunna fail anyways. You could've studied before...and why didn't you? Ohhh, you're going to fail." Why wasn't there even ONE stupid encouraging word there? When dad was helping me pack my bag so I could keep studying, she went, "oh, you even help her pack her bag now?" She made me mad...Very.
At Seattle Youth Symphony Orchestra (SYSO) concerts, she would say, "Heather, would you feel like you don't play your best when dad and I aren't here? Does it make a difference when we're here?" It sounds like she cares so much. But when it comes to other things. Oh man.
There are reasons. There definitely are. I may not understand....but the only thing that's on my mind right now, is...I don't wanna be home..
Just like today. So much has been on my mind since the moment I woke up to now. Nothing to do. I hardly did anything. At last, I went out for a walk.
I met Emily and Jason while walking past their house and they joined me in for the walk. We walked to South end QFC and it was amazing. In the end, I stayed up there for a while. After they left, I started trudging down again towards my house...Ahh, the house.
Slowly, I walked down..not really knowing which path I took, but only knowing that it leads to home. Yes, I ended up walking right in front of his house. Was it intentional? Maybe. I'm not sure of it myself. Knowing that he wasn't home for the weekend, yeah...it probably was. After standing there just staring and wondering what I should do, I ran off with my little legs..
Getting home was another drag. I soo didn't wanna be there. I was late for New Life..and I wasn't happy. Nothing's been going on right, and I don't know how to fix it. Why am I the only one who can't get outta the house? I'm always stuck here with my emotional mom. I don't know how to deal with her. I'm trying hard to fix myself, but she's not helping me at all.
That week, when I had my science final, I didn't study well. I panicked while lunch and she was there. My dad was there too. I was trying to memorize all the human anatomy..But I couldn't. I was too scared. What made me even worse was my mom. She would stand on the side saying, "Why even bother studying now? You're gunna fail anyways. You could've studied before...and why didn't you? Ohhh, you're going to fail." Why wasn't there even ONE stupid encouraging word there? When dad was helping me pack my bag so I could keep studying, she went, "oh, you even help her pack her bag now?" She made me mad...Very.
At Seattle Youth Symphony Orchestra (SYSO) concerts, she would say, "Heather, would you feel like you don't play your best when dad and I aren't here? Does it make a difference when we're here?" It sounds like she cares so much. But when it comes to other things. Oh man.
There are reasons. There definitely are. I may not understand....but the only thing that's on my mind right now, is...I don't wanna be home..
Trickle Trickle...Splash
A story about last night.
It was raining, and it was dark. I wanted to go out for a walk. I sat on my upper bunk watching as the computer screen throbbed. Music ran through my ears and my brain went, "What's wrong with you heather?"
Blocked from the outside world. I sat next to my window for just around 5 minutes to see a small figure on four legs walk past. Freaked out, I stared at it. It turned out to be a cat in the end. From that incident, I no longer had the mindset of, "I'm going to go out for a walk." But instead, it was: "I wanna go out for a walk, but I'm too scared to." I shouldn't have been scared. I knew that God was with me. Being scared like that just showed how much I trusted him to keep me safe.
Roaming inside feelings. My eyes were fixed onto the toolbar on my computer screen waiting for a certain window to flash. Unfortunately, it never happened. "click click click click click" my mouse went. All the windows were the same. I've clicked them a million times already. I just can't manage to get off and fall asleep until I get a reply. (or, he signs off that is.) My heart throbbed as I lay in bed. Dripping raindrops from outside were heard from where I was sitting. Occasionally a sudden sound would make me jerk my head up to look out the window just to see that nothing was waiting for me there anymore. Oh yes, I longed for a moment. Just. A. Moment. But it would never happen....or so I think/thought.
4:30am. My eyes flickered.....and all went dark.
11:30am. It was still raining and nothing had moved. Again, I was in front of the computer listening to its engine buzz. When I got on, he was already online. One hour passed, then two....no reply. And now, he's probably off to camp.
Wanting to tell. I really wanna tell him something. Something that's not worth telling him online or through the phone. I wanna tell him before I tell some of my other friends, but I don't know how. It seems like we'll never meet again. Just gotta wait for the right time Heather....just gotta wait.
It was raining, and it was dark. I wanted to go out for a walk. I sat on my upper bunk watching as the computer screen throbbed. Music ran through my ears and my brain went, "What's wrong with you heather?"
Blocked from the outside world. I sat next to my window for just around 5 minutes to see a small figure on four legs walk past. Freaked out, I stared at it. It turned out to be a cat in the end. From that incident, I no longer had the mindset of, "I'm going to go out for a walk." But instead, it was: "I wanna go out for a walk, but I'm too scared to." I shouldn't have been scared. I knew that God was with me. Being scared like that just showed how much I trusted him to keep me safe.
Roaming inside feelings. My eyes were fixed onto the toolbar on my computer screen waiting for a certain window to flash. Unfortunately, it never happened. "click click click click click" my mouse went. All the windows were the same. I've clicked them a million times already. I just can't manage to get off and fall asleep until I get a reply. (or, he signs off that is.) My heart throbbed as I lay in bed. Dripping raindrops from outside were heard from where I was sitting. Occasionally a sudden sound would make me jerk my head up to look out the window just to see that nothing was waiting for me there anymore. Oh yes, I longed for a moment. Just. A. Moment. But it would never happen....or so I think/thought.
4:30am. My eyes flickered.....and all went dark.
11:30am. It was still raining and nothing had moved. Again, I was in front of the computer listening to its engine buzz. When I got on, he was already online. One hour passed, then two....no reply. And now, he's probably off to camp.
Wanting to tell. I really wanna tell him something. Something that's not worth telling him online or through the phone. I wanna tell him before I tell some of my other friends, but I don't know how. It seems like we'll never meet again. Just gotta wait for the right time Heather....just gotta wait.
Hidden from the World
Today was full of...nothing. Such a random day. I had testing from 9 to 11:30am and then came home. Mom and I hardly talked today. When we arrived home, I basically locked myself in my room with my sister's computer. I didn't really do anything. I played just about 30 minutes of my violin.
Mom left the house at around 3pm till 8pm or so. I ended up taking a nap from 8ish to 10 30pm. At that time, I really wanted to just sleep everything off. I didn't like what was going on. I wanted to forget everything that was happening in my life. *sigh, isn't what what everyone wants to do when things go bad?
Today, I really wanted to tell him something in person but he never gave me the chance to even see him.
Why is everything going wrong in my life? I bet there's going to be a good ending though. God always does things for a reason right? Just gotta be patient....the thing I'm worst at.
Personally, today was a really bad day for me. I wanted to take a walk outside, but I had no where to go. I felt like I had no friends to go to. No one was there for me to turn to. I had no other shoulder to express my feelings on.
I felt so useless today. Just hanging in my room doing nothing. Not even talking to anyone online. Tomorrow's going to be another lonely day. Everyone's leaving. You know, I was actually thinking...since he'll be gone this weekend, there's not even a point in me getting online. But then again, why????
Mom left the house at around 3pm till 8pm or so. I ended up taking a nap from 8ish to 10 30pm. At that time, I really wanted to just sleep everything off. I didn't like what was going on. I wanted to forget everything that was happening in my life. *sigh, isn't what what everyone wants to do when things go bad?
Today, I really wanted to tell him something in person but he never gave me the chance to even see him.
Why is everything going wrong in my life? I bet there's going to be a good ending though. God always does things for a reason right? Just gotta be patient....the thing I'm worst at.
Personally, today was a really bad day for me. I wanted to take a walk outside, but I had no where to go. I felt like I had no friends to go to. No one was there for me to turn to. I had no other shoulder to express my feelings on.
I felt so useless today. Just hanging in my room doing nothing. Not even talking to anyone online. Tomorrow's going to be another lonely day. Everyone's leaving. You know, I was actually thinking...since he'll be gone this weekend, there's not even a point in me getting online. But then again, why????
6.18.2009
Crazy Taxi Driver
I'm such a crazy taxi driver. I don't know where I'm leading my own life towards. I feel like I've yet to put God into my driver seat. For now, I think I'm still occupying it. I've heard from everywhere, "It's not right heather, don't.."
Am I leading myself down the wrong path? What am I going to do for my future life? Just continue like this?
Mom isn't at home right now. I don't know where she went. Dad just flew to Boston, my brother is...at school?, and my sister is at work. I really wanna get out of the house. I asked him if he would meet up with me today, also cause I wanted to tell him something..but he said something else. Hm...that kinda made me mad, but whatevers..I can't really get mad at him for that. I still really want to go out though. I need to tell him something asap. Other than today, I wonder when I can say it. I don't wanna do it on facebook, msn, or even on the phone. Nor would I tell my other friends about it through the computer or phone. I really wanna tell everyone in person.
He's not talking to me right now, but he's online. I don't really know if he's gone from the computer, or just ignoring me.
What have I driven myself into these days? I think I've driven myself into a corner. Not just to a corner, but into a corner. I can't really move right now and I feel really stressed about all the situations happening. I wish I could take a break, but I don't think I can...at least just yet.
Good thing tears haven't started flowing yet. I'm just thinking to myself, maybe I can turn myself around just before they start. Trust me, walls aren't very fun to be driven into.
All my friends are leaving this weekend to somewhere. I wish I could go with them. I wish I could just run away from everything. All the messes that I've created, all the troubles, and all the hurt.
Thinking back, why didn't I let God drive me? I don't think I even tried. What is it like to be driven by God? I know that he never loses his way.
Am I really driving through the smooth roads? 'cause when God drives, I know that although the roads may be bumpy and ugly, he still drives right over them. But even though he drives over them, they're always the right path.
*sigh*, I'm such a Crazy Taxi Driver
6.17.2009
Once again, another problem has risen. Just about the same as all the other ones. Yesterday, I gave my mom a fit about not getting to orchestra in time for the last few minutes of class. Looking back to that, it really wasn't more important than my attitude. I wish I acted more calm.
How can I fix my stupid, old habits? Maybe it IS all my fault that my attitude isn't pleasing to the Lord. Gotta change, really do. To anyone who's reading this, pray for me please? Much appreciated.
Daddy says mom's going a phase. I guess I just need to work harder and be more careful in what I say to her now. Everything's going up one more step. I still don't know how I'm going to cope with this through my sophmore year. I hope it's going to be alright.
Right now, she's sitting on the floor of her own room. She isn't really caring about what I do. Sometimes it's just so frustrating to talk to her or get her to talk. I know that I've done many wrong things towards her, but I wish she didn't get angry so easily.
Before, I was only excited for going to BC my junior year, but now, I'm just stressed about the upcoming year. How am I going to live past it? crap....
*sigh* Surroundings and Memories
A window flashes on my toolbar as I sit at the computer with my hands flying all over the keyboard. Flames of shock and excitement yet fear washes over me. Inching the mouse towards the flashing window, I quickly remove my hand to think, "will this disappoint me?" After what seems like ages, I click onto the window to see that.."yes! It really is him!"
Many times, I've disappointed myself whether it's the way I act or think. I can't deny that I've sat at the computer for over five hours waiting to see if any flashing window from him would appear. 我也不能否认的事实，我还是喜欢他。
As I sit at the dinner table and look up the hill from the window, I can't help but to wonder if he'll ever walk that same path again to find me.
Sometimes, I have so much to say, but I don't know how it'll go through, so I never say it. Every time when the conversation ends, he says, "take care". I've always been wondering, does he have to say that? Whenever he says that, it feels like we'll never talk again. *sigh, feelings deceive. ;)
Many times, I've disappointed myself whether it's the way I act or think. I can't deny that I've sat at the computer for over five hours waiting to see if any flashing window from him would appear. 我也不能否认的事实，我还是喜欢他。
As I sit at the dinner table and look up the hill from the window, I can't help but to wonder if he'll ever walk that same path again to find me.
Sometimes, I have so much to say, but I don't know how it'll go through, so I never say it. Every time when the conversation ends, he says, "take care". I've always been wondering, does he have to say that? Whenever he says that, it feels like we'll never talk again. *sigh, feelings deceive. ;)
6.11.2009
Another Departure :[
Again, sadness overwhelms me to see one of my favorite Coaches leave. When I received his email about leaving MIHS, I felt my heart sink to the depths. Although I heard about him leaving after the year of '09, I hoped with all my heart that he wouldn't leave us.
I've only been with Coach Jeff Lowell for one year while my sister has been with him for all 4 years (I think) of her high school. It occurs to me that I've known Coach Jeff for so long, but that might be because he coached my sister in swimming too.
Although I have only been with him for a year, I want to thank him for all that he's done. During this past swim season, I've learned and experienced a lot and now I'm sad that he's leaving already.
Here, I want to make my thanks to him public.
Dear Coach Jeff,
You have given me many memories from swimming in MI for my first year. When I appeared for swim team, I admired how much you wished for each swimmer to be doing their best. Taking their own talent and giving their all. From when my sister was in MI Swim & Dive, I've admired you. I admire the way you touch on every little detail of a swimmer (even when there's over 50 swimmers). I really don't know how you do that. You are such an amazing Coach. You also taught each swimmer the value of life, and how to give it your all. Not only did you teach each and every swimmer how to swim, but you also added on to their life. You taught us how to live life to the fullest. I have learned so much from you in such little time. Thank you so much for your time and efforts in Mercer Island High School. I feel so blessed to know a coach like you.
Although we're all sad to see you go, I know that this may be for the best. I hope to keep in touch. We will all miss you Jeff.
P.S. I've attached a picture of me diving into Lake Washington the Sunday before my birthday of this year. My friend took it. After showing me the taken picture, I smiled and thought to myself, "This is what I've learned from the MI Swim Coach, Jeff Lowell." I've always thought my dive was ugly until I came across this picture. I've never worked on my dive more than what I have done with the MI Girls Swim Team. Thanks so much for working with me on every little detail with me. I seriously cannot thank you enough.
I've only been with Coach Jeff Lowell for one year while my sister has been with him for all 4 years (I think) of her high school. It occurs to me that I've known Coach Jeff for so long, but that might be because he coached my sister in swimming too.
Although I have only been with him for a year, I want to thank him for all that he's done. During this past swim season, I've learned and experienced a lot and now I'm sad that he's leaving already.
Here, I want to make my thanks to him public.
Dear Coach Jeff,
You have given me many memories from swimming in MI for my first year. When I appeared for swim team, I admired how much you wished for each swimmer to be doing their best. Taking their own talent and giving their all. From when my sister was in MI Swim & Dive, I've admired you. I admire the way you touch on every little detail of a swimmer (even when there's over 50 swimmers). I really don't know how you do that. You are such an amazing Coach. You also taught each swimmer the value of life, and how to give it your all. Not only did you teach each and every swimmer how to swim, but you also added on to their life. You taught us how to live life to the fullest. I have learned so much from you in such little time. Thank you so much for your time and efforts in Mercer Island High School. I feel so blessed to know a coach like you.
Although we're all sad to see you go, I know that this may be for the best. I hope to keep in touch. We will all miss you Jeff.
Love you!!!
~Heather
~Heather
P.S. I've attached a picture of me diving into Lake Washington the Sunday before my birthday of this year. My friend took it. After showing me the taken picture, I smiled and thought to myself, "This is what I've learned from the MI Swim Coach, Jeff Lowell." I've always thought my dive was ugly until I came across this picture. I've never worked on my dive more than what I have done with the MI Girls Swim Team. Thanks so much for working with me on every little detail with me. I seriously cannot thank you enough.
Is wondering
Why do you always change the subject on me whenever I talk about "us"? Do you think I never realize that?
Never letting go
To be honest, this is my very first year feeling so down about the precious seniors leaving. I've made so many incredible senior friends whether it's at Chuch, Legacy, MIHS, or anywhere else. I've never felt the longing for them to stay at the end of each year. The feeling's so precious.
I've really never felt the sadness of them leaving. Is it because this year was one of my prime times in life? Maybe. I've done so much this year. From good to bad. I've created so much drama. I've probably caused friends to be hurt too. This year has left many many memories for me to ponder on. I think that my freshman year is the most eventful year I've ever had.
Knowing that these seniors are going to lead a whole new life down their own road, I'm proud of them. They've made it through elementary, middle, and now high school. Although I'm three years apart from the seniors, I've had many memories with them in such a short time. I hope I never forget them.
I haven't had much interaction with any seniors, but with the ones I have, to tell you the truth, I'm really sad that you're leaving. When I hear the word university, college, or leave, it gives me a whole new shock. *sigh, how will life be without seeing you guys? :'(
But afterall, I know that the step you guys are taking is one of the biggest steps you're taking in you're academic career. I hope for the best for you guys. I hope that you'll survive in the real world. =) The class of '09 is the best. Go, and continue you're journey. Let God lead you in the way he wants you to go. I love you all. <3
I've really never felt the sadness of them leaving. Is it because this year was one of my prime times in life? Maybe. I've done so much this year. From good to bad. I've created so much drama. I've probably caused friends to be hurt too. This year has left many many memories for me to ponder on. I think that my freshman year is the most eventful year I've ever had.
Knowing that these seniors are going to lead a whole new life down their own road, I'm proud of them. They've made it through elementary, middle, and now high school. Although I'm three years apart from the seniors, I've had many memories with them in such a short time. I hope I never forget them.
I haven't had much interaction with any seniors, but with the ones I have, to tell you the truth, I'm really sad that you're leaving. When I hear the word university, college, or leave, it gives me a whole new shock. *sigh, how will life be without seeing you guys? :'(
But afterall, I know that the step you guys are taking is one of the biggest steps you're taking in you're academic career. I hope for the best for you guys. I hope that you'll survive in the real world. =) The class of '09 is the best. Go, and continue you're journey. Let God lead you in the way he wants you to go. I love you all. <3
6.07.2009
*sigh
I haven't written on here for quite a few days. So much has already happened in such a little time. It seems that my feelings are all jumbled up in a big mass, even I don't know what I'm thinking.
I feel like my parents expect so much from me. Even though I know that when I start something, they just want me to do my best and that's why they keep pushing me. But I really wish they didn't have to do that so often..until I get mad.
This summer's gunna be like torture to me. I have to study this summer. So busy. Well, at least next year I'll be free (hopefully). I really don't know what to do about my future either. For now, some of you know that I wanna attend BCC my junior year.
I've asked myself many times, "Is it really because I wanna get away from here? Is it really cause I can't stand it anymore?" Yes, I've been homeschooled for almost 9 years now. It's going to be about the 10th year next year. Looking back, I don't see anything good about myself. I haven't done anything. I don't even know what I'm gunna be doing in my future.
I've done well in my swimming. Starting late, persevering, and just about catching up with everyone else.
And sure, I've did well in my gymnastics. Going to Junior Olympics after starting late and having only two years of training. Having a really lousy coach at the beginning of my first year, and enduring the hard second year. (I switched coaches my second year)
Honestly, I don't even know if I can get into BCC. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't get in. All the pressures already weighing me down. I only have one more year before testing. Although this summer isn't gunna be fun, I know that in order to get what I want for the future, this must be done. I've already built up so much fear within me. I find it so hard to just focus and work hard. I feel so stupid sometimes. Like I can't do anything.
In fact, I'm not only afraid of that. I'm afraid of other things too. Some of you may know what they are right when you read this, but others...hah. *sigh, how am I gunna keep on living life? Being afraid of these things...its not even worth it, but I just can't help thinking about it.
I feel like my parents expect so much from me. Even though I know that when I start something, they just want me to do my best and that's why they keep pushing me. But I really wish they didn't have to do that so often..until I get mad.
This summer's gunna be like torture to me. I have to study this summer. So busy. Well, at least next year I'll be free (hopefully). I really don't know what to do about my future either. For now, some of you know that I wanna attend BCC my junior year.
I've asked myself many times, "Is it really because I wanna get away from here? Is it really cause I can't stand it anymore?" Yes, I've been homeschooled for almost 9 years now. It's going to be about the 10th year next year. Looking back, I don't see anything good about myself. I haven't done anything. I don't even know what I'm gunna be doing in my future.
I've done well in my swimming. Starting late, persevering, and just about catching up with everyone else.
And sure, I've did well in my gymnastics. Going to Junior Olympics after starting late and having only two years of training. Having a really lousy coach at the beginning of my first year, and enduring the hard second year. (I switched coaches my second year)
Honestly, I don't even know if I can get into BCC. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't get in. All the pressures already weighing me down. I only have one more year before testing. Although this summer isn't gunna be fun, I know that in order to get what I want for the future, this must be done. I've already built up so much fear within me. I find it so hard to just focus and work hard. I feel so stupid sometimes. Like I can't do anything.
In fact, I'm not only afraid of that. I'm afraid of other things too. Some of you may know what they are right when you read this, but others...hah. *sigh, how am I gunna keep on living life? Being afraid of these things...its not even worth it, but I just can't help thinking about it.
6.06.2009
Another Broken Relationship
This is a really late post about one of my girl friends. I'm sad to see how our relationship is right now. It's a really long story, so bear with me.
I don't remember how I met her. I think I met her a year ago at a concert because she was in choir. We actually bonded really well. This year, we've gotten even 'closer'. Until a point where we eventually drifted off. This drama somewhat includes our parents.
It all goes WAYYY back to tolo....Spring tolo. You see, I really wanted to go (the reason for it, that's a different story.) My parents, being them, didn't want me to go. They told me that they didn't want me to get temptations. Of course, I didn't think that I WOULD get tempted or anything, and still wanted to go. So my friends mom called my mom asking my mom if I could sleep over and also go to the dance. Not knowing that it would turn into a disaster, I agreed to her calling my mom and talking to her.
During the conversation, hurtful things appeared. My friends mom would ask things like, "Do you not trust heather enough to even let her go to the dance? I trust my daughter, and so I let her go" They say they are Christians. But through many trials with her, I began to doubt. But I'm not the one to judge this, so I won't.
I ended up asking my mom if I could just go to the before party. She said yes, if I finished my work, but being the procrastinator I am, haha, I didn't finish. My friends were bummed I couldn't go, but many understood, except for her. I tried explaining, but there was no way she could relate to me. Afterall, her family isn't Asian. They don't have the same culture as we do nor the same values.
I don't remember how I met her. I think I met her a year ago at a concert because she was in choir. We actually bonded really well. This year, we've gotten even 'closer'. Until a point where we eventually drifted off. This drama somewhat includes our parents.
It all goes WAYYY back to tolo....Spring tolo. You see, I really wanted to go (the reason for it, that's a different story.) My parents, being them, didn't want me to go. They told me that they didn't want me to get temptations. Of course, I didn't think that I WOULD get tempted or anything, and still wanted to go. So my friends mom called my mom asking my mom if I could sleep over and also go to the dance. Not knowing that it would turn into a disaster, I agreed to her calling my mom and talking to her.
During the conversation, hurtful things appeared. My friends mom would ask things like, "Do you not trust heather enough to even let her go to the dance? I trust my daughter, and so I let her go" They say they are Christians. But through many trials with her, I began to doubt. But I'm not the one to judge this, so I won't.
I ended up asking my mom if I could just go to the before party. She said yes, if I finished my work, but being the procrastinator I am, haha, I didn't finish. My friends were bummed I couldn't go, but many understood, except for her. I tried explaining, but there was no way she could relate to me. Afterall, her family isn't Asian. They don't have the same culture as we do nor the same values.
My parents left for Toronto soon after the day of Tolo. The reason? My grandpa passed away suddenly and no other relative was close enough to go straight there. During a couple of those days, I went to MIHS to hang out with a couple of my friends. During this one day, this girl friend of mine told me that she had a Jazz Choir audition and that she was totally not ready for it. I helped her practice during lunch. She was going to do fine and just had to work on her cromatic scale, but once we walked out of the door, she threw her music into a bin that labeled "recycling". Turning toward me, she said, "I'm not going to make it. Maybe I shouldn't even try. I can't even do the stupid scale." I knew she had a chance. Her singing was great. I had no other choice, but to stop in front of her road and make her pick her piece of music back up.
After school, she wanted to drop by her house before doing the audition to practice. Her mom was waiting for us outside. As I approached, her mom told my friend that she didn't want me going to their house because I had to tell my parents. I told my sister already, and there was no way I would make a long distance call to Toronto just to ask my parents if I could go over to their house for 15 minutes.
Her mother started talking to me during the car rides and all the other times I was with her. It bothered me, not because she was talking to me, but because of what she was saying to me. She said things such as
"Heather, I'm trying to understand your mom right now. I don't get why she has to restrict you so much. I feel really sorry for you."
or,
"I've never seen a mom restrict her child so much like your mom does."
or,
"Oh? You're going to BC? I heard that there were a bunch of home schooled kids there. I heard that they were really sheltered." (Ok, so what is she trying to say here? Is she saying that I'm sheltered? Oh yes, I really didn't appreciate that.)
"Heather! You're wearing really cute clothes, but come here."
I go over there, and she says, "but I can't imagine your mom letting you wear these clothes. She doesn't even let you go to dances."
Woahhh, that just blew my alarm. How can she say these things to me? Especially since I hardly know her? *sigh, I tried to keep calm and be patient just to make things not worse. Inside of me, I hated her guts.
A couple days later, my relationship with my friend just went down the drain. It started the week of Matt Brouwer. The original plan was to go to school, go to her house to hang out before Matt Brouwer, and then come to my house for my stuff, and then leave. The day before, she told me, "I don't think you can come to my house anymore. I have a doctors appt." I knew that it wasn't the case. I knew that there was another reason for me not going to her house. And then she added, "Oh, and can my mom just drive me there and we'll meet you there?" That made everything obvious. They didn't want her to hang out with me.
Later, she backed out of the whole entire plan. She ended up not coming. Yes, it made me mad. How could it not?
At school a couple days later, we talked about what happened. She kept saying sorry to me, and asking if I were mad. Did she have to say sorry so many times? I don't think so. It just made me even more mad. But the couple sentences she said to me that just made me burn with hatred was, "You don't even know my mom at all. When she said those things to you, she didn't mean it in that way. But I don't regret my mom saying that stuff to you, cause I don't think she's wrong." The last sentence really blew me off. And from there, our relationship produced a huge gap.
Now, we're fine. Just not as good as before, but I don't mind. Sometimes I really wish none of this happened, but I really can't help what others say to me. I can only control what I say to others. Hopefully, I managed to keep a calm front.
6.04.2009
Homeschooling or Public School?
When you're all calm, and everything's fine, you say, "I don't want you going to the HS." but when you're all uptight and mad, you say, "Do whatever you want. I have nothing to do with you anymore. Go to the high school. I'm done with you."
What do you really want me to do? I'm so confused. I really don't know what I should do. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I don't like our relationship. Why is it getting worse by the minute? You always correct what I do wrong. Whenever I ask if you've ever thought about what you've done wrong, and why I acted the way I did......you say that I haven't reflected on myself. I only try to criticize you. That is so NOT true. How should I deal with all this crap now? What should I do? Why is it always me?! Can't you help too? Can't you change too?
Ok, fine. Maybe it IS only me. But can you help me by adjusting a little more to my side? I can't do this alone because this consists of both of us. This isn't my problem alone, because you have a part in this too. If you didn't, then it wouldn't be a problem at all. But it is a problem, and you have a part in it. So now, you tell me. What should I do for my future? Can you give me ONLY suggestions and not tell me what to do?
What do you really want me to do? I'm so confused. I really don't know what I should do. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I don't like our relationship. Why is it getting worse by the minute? You always correct what I do wrong. Whenever I ask if you've ever thought about what you've done wrong, and why I acted the way I did......you say that I haven't reflected on myself. I only try to criticize you. That is so NOT true. How should I deal with all this crap now? What should I do? Why is it always me?! Can't you help too? Can't you change too?
Ok, fine. Maybe it IS only me. But can you help me by adjusting a little more to my side? I can't do this alone because this consists of both of us. This isn't my problem alone, because you have a part in this too. If you didn't, then it wouldn't be a problem at all. But it is a problem, and you have a part in it. So now, you tell me. What should I do for my future? Can you give me ONLY suggestions and not tell me what to do?
Almost Over
Today's the last day of Legacy for the year of 2009. I don't know what to think. The year has gone by so quickly. Every year, it comes and goes. Every year, it's' just about the same. That's not good. Something needs to change.
This year actually has been really memorable. Everything that happened. From the start of school, to today. So many events in my life happened, and it all started with this year, my freshman year. *sigh, it's almost over. I don't want it to end. I don't want time to move on. I want to just take some time to remember what has happened this year:
Sadness fills me when I know that after each year, I'll be waving good-bye to the people I love. Many aren't coming back next year. It has always been one of the hardest things for me to do (Say good-bye to others). The questions that always triggers my mind is, "What will I do without these people?" Honestly, even I have no idea.
Tears of happiness & sadness fill my eyes as one by one, I see them walk to their future. I know that it's just part of life, but sometimes, I wish we would never separate. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years we spent together. I've just realized now, how precious those times were. I wish I treasured it more, I really wish I did. But now, time has gone once again..without me. When will I learn? When will I realize that the time I have now is so precious? When will I learn to use it properly? When will I learn to get to know you better with the time we have together?
My life has come to this point, and it's all because of you. Thank you for the time we've had together. It has really built me up into the character I am. I will continue pursuing what I think the Lord wants me to do.
Although I'm sad to see you go, I also wish you a safe journey. Keep your walk with God. Don't lose faith in him.
This year actually has been really memorable. Everything that happened. From the start of school, to today. So many events in my life happened, and it all started with this year, my freshman year. *sigh, it's almost over. I don't want it to end. I don't want time to move on. I want to just take some time to remember what has happened this year:
- Every Friday: New Life
- Every Thursday: Legacy
- Girls Small Group (Read the book of Esther)
- Just about Everyday: Orchestra
- December 7th: Praise Night
- Christmas time: China STM/Hong Kong
- January: Capture/d/
- February-April: Something really close to my heart
- Saturdays: SYSO
- Saturdays: Running/Sharing with Melissa
Sadness fills me when I know that after each year, I'll be waving good-bye to the people I love. Many aren't coming back next year. It has always been one of the hardest things for me to do (Say good-bye to others). The questions that always triggers my mind is, "What will I do without these people?" Honestly, even I have no idea.
Tears of happiness & sadness fill my eyes as one by one, I see them walk to their future. I know that it's just part of life, but sometimes, I wish we would never separate. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years we spent together. I've just realized now, how precious those times were. I wish I treasured it more, I really wish I did. But now, time has gone once again..without me. When will I learn? When will I realize that the time I have now is so precious? When will I learn to use it properly? When will I learn to get to know you better with the time we have together?
My life has come to this point, and it's all because of you. Thank you for the time we've had together. It has really built me up into the character I am. I will continue pursuing what I think the Lord wants me to do.
Although I'm sad to see you go, I also wish you a safe journey. Keep your walk with God. Don't lose faith in him.
No, I don't wanna
(Beware of what you're about to read. It's very selfish. It's only about ME.)
I just read something. I don't want anything to do with you anymore. I wish I never knew you. I suddenly feel like I just kinda..popped. I don't wanna think of you. My life, my thoughts, my feelings, give it all back to me. I'm hurt, once more. I don't wanna believe it. I wanna know that I'm just thinking a little too much. I know that by tomorrow, my decision will change. But for now, no, I don't wanna. I never thought that this would rip my wounds open again.
"No! Don't do it. It's not worth it. It won't work." I heard it many times already. When will it stop coming back into my brain? I don't wanna hear that anymore. I just want to see change. The change that will never happen.
I just read something. I don't want anything to do with you anymore. I wish I never knew you. I suddenly feel like I just kinda..popped. I don't wanna think of you. My life, my thoughts, my feelings, give it all back to me. I'm hurt, once more. I don't wanna believe it. I wanna know that I'm just thinking a little too much. I know that by tomorrow, my decision will change. But for now, no, I don't wanna. I never thought that this would rip my wounds open again.
"No! Don't do it. It's not worth it. It won't work." I heard it many times already. When will it stop coming back into my brain? I don't wanna hear that anymore. I just want to see change. The change that will never happen.
Being 15
It's been eight days already since I've turned 15. I don't even feel fifteen. I still feel like a little child who relies on everyone.
Although I've seen myself change a lot throughout this year, I sometimes think I've changed in a bad way. Guilt overwhelms me when I think of certain memories, but even with guilt, some of those memories I still don't regret.
This are exactly the same as my life when I was 14. What kinda change can even happen when I'm 15? I believe that the real change will be when I'm at least 18 or 21.
Why is it that so many people can't wait to get away from their family and live away from them? Do they (including me) realize that only about 1/50th of their life is with their parents?! *sigh* Time flies so quickly that people don't even realize that their parents are already gone. I heard that time flies faster as you get older. Now, I've realized that that was true. I used to see time as a very slow inch worm but now, its like almost as fast as light.
Every year passes, and I feel nothing. Except for this year I can say. So much has happened. Certain people have left behind so many memories. Memories that just won't leave my head. There's so much more to learn from life and with life.
Being 15.....what can I change?
Although I've seen myself change a lot throughout this year, I sometimes think I've changed in a bad way. Guilt overwhelms me when I think of certain memories, but even with guilt, some of those memories I still don't regret.
This are exactly the same as my life when I was 14. What kinda change can even happen when I'm 15? I believe that the real change will be when I'm at least 18 or 21.
Why is it that so many people can't wait to get away from their family and live away from them? Do they (including me) realize that only about 1/50th of their life is with their parents?! *sigh* Time flies so quickly that people don't even realize that their parents are already gone. I heard that time flies faster as you get older. Now, I've realized that that was true. I used to see time as a very slow inch worm but now, its like almost as fast as light.
Every year passes, and I feel nothing. Except for this year I can say. So much has happened. Certain people have left behind so many memories. Memories that just won't leave my head. There's so much more to learn from life and with life.
Being 15.....what can I change?
6.02.2009
Paraiso
Lyrics that just touched me to the heart. Yes, there are others out there who are in a worse situation than me/us. So be thankful.
Return to a land called Paraiso,
a place where a dying river ends.
No birds there fly over Paraiso,
no space allows them to endure.
The smoke that screens the air,
the grass that's never there.
And if I could see a single bird, what a joy.
I try to write some words and create
a simple song to be heard
by the rest of the world.
I live in this land called Paraiso,
in a house made of cardboard floors and walls.
I learned to be free in Paraiso,
free to claim anything I see.
Matching rags for my clothes,
plastic bags for the cold.
And if empty cans were all I have, what a joy.
I never fight to take someone
else's coins and live with fear
like the rest of the boys.
Paraiso, help me make a stand.
Paraiso, take me by the hand
Paraiso, make the world understand
that if I could see a single bird, what a joy.
This tired and hungry land could expect
some truth and hope and respect
from the rest of the world
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO99xryZVm8
Return to a land called Paraiso,
a place where a dying river ends.
No birds there fly over Paraiso,
no space allows them to endure.
The smoke that screens the air,
the grass that's never there.
And if I could see a single bird, what a joy.
I try to write some words and create
a simple song to be heard
by the rest of the world.
I live in this land called Paraiso,
in a house made of cardboard floors and walls.
I learned to be free in Paraiso,
free to claim anything I see.
Matching rags for my clothes,
plastic bags for the cold.
And if empty cans were all I have, what a joy.
I never fight to take someone
else's coins and live with fear
like the rest of the boys.
Paraiso, help me make a stand.
Paraiso, take me by the hand
Paraiso, make the world understand
that if I could see a single bird, what a joy.
This tired and hungry land could expect
some truth and hope and respect
from the rest of the world
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO99xryZVm8
June already....
It's June now, and the weather's getting really nice. I'm actually surprised that it's been sunny for almost a month now! Praise the Lord. =)
Although it's so nice outside and people are starting to feel like summer's here, my life is still so messy. The atmosphere at home is so tense. Sometimes, I really wanna just...leave. Mom and dad disabled the internet on the home computer. I can't get online on that computer. There's a laptop at home, but it's moms. So much is about to happen. I really wanna just ignore it and live a happy life.
My brain's so messed up right now. I'm not thinking right. I forgot Ken's jacket like...10 times. Everything's making me so tense and stressed. I can't even focus on studying for my Biology final on thursday. I failed my pig anatomy test, so I need to get an A on my final. It's the end of my Freshman year now and I'm already such a messed up teen. Homeschooling didn't really do anything for me. Maybe it kept me on a closer walk with God, but it definitely killed my relationship with my mom. Even she thinks that I don't have a close walk with God. If I told her that I did, she'd just be like, "If you did, then you wouldn't have done this, that, or that.."
Sigh* what can I do with my life. More like, "God, what should I do with my life?" I've told myself many times. "no, heather, you're not going to lose your faith in God. He's still there. You've asked him so many things and he hasn't given you a sign, but that's only cause it's not the right time. Listen closely Heather. Listen to his calling."
I try to help so many people in my life. My family, my friends, etc. but what about me? Did I forget about myself or something? Cause I know there's definitely SOMETHING wrong with me. How long do I have to wait? When will I be able to actually control my life? Will I ever be able to make myself independent? Or will I always need to depend on someone?
So many questions pop up in my head. I just can't wait till the disappear, but they probably won't. Sometimes, I just hate myself. Is life always like this? Hitting my high school years I don't really know what I've become now. I've always asked myself the question of 'who am I'.
Everyone's always here for me, but..I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. Is it bad to act in front of your friends? I feel like I have a mask on. I feel like I'm hiding my identity or something. I feel like I'm hurting the people around me. even though I don't know what I did, I just kinda feel like I'm hurting those around me.
I say sorry to everyone. It's now a meaningless word to me. It's even a meaningless word to the people I say it to. There were so many times where I told myself, "change ur attitude heather, change it. I will change it. It'll be fine." but there were also so many times where I just couldn't control it. It just kinda...blurted out.
Everytime I go out, I see teenagers, children, even parents running around with a smile on their face and I think to myself, "Why do THEY have smiles? Where's mine? Is my life this bad? What's so bad about it? I have a mother who cares a lot, yet we get into fights, I have a father who works to bring food to the table, I have a sister who listens to all my stories, and I have a brother who's just always there for me. What's so bad about it?"
I guess time just moves on without you. when you wanna stay in the past, it just moves on without you. Time won't wait for you..
I didn't do my devotions today, or yesterday, and probably even the day before that. I've never forgotten about God, but I don't know why, I just didn't do it. Maybe I should start doing it....
I'm at the library, on the computer and I'm supposed to be studying my Biology. Can't. Focus. On. Biology. Too. Many. Things. On. My. Mind. Crap, I should probably start. =P
I wonder how people can just drown themselves in their work. Whenever I have problems, I can't even focus. How is it that people can just drown themselves in their work and forget about their problems? I can't..
Although it's so nice outside and people are starting to feel like summer's here, my life is still so messy. The atmosphere at home is so tense. Sometimes, I really wanna just...leave. Mom and dad disabled the internet on the home computer. I can't get online on that computer. There's a laptop at home, but it's moms. So much is about to happen. I really wanna just ignore it and live a happy life.
My brain's so messed up right now. I'm not thinking right. I forgot Ken's jacket like...10 times. Everything's making me so tense and stressed. I can't even focus on studying for my Biology final on thursday. I failed my pig anatomy test, so I need to get an A on my final. It's the end of my Freshman year now and I'm already such a messed up teen. Homeschooling didn't really do anything for me. Maybe it kept me on a closer walk with God, but it definitely killed my relationship with my mom. Even she thinks that I don't have a close walk with God. If I told her that I did, she'd just be like, "If you did, then you wouldn't have done this, that, or that.."
Sigh* what can I do with my life. More like, "God, what should I do with my life?" I've told myself many times. "no, heather, you're not going to lose your faith in God. He's still there. You've asked him so many things and he hasn't given you a sign, but that's only cause it's not the right time. Listen closely Heather. Listen to his calling."
I try to help so many people in my life. My family, my friends, etc. but what about me? Did I forget about myself or something? Cause I know there's definitely SOMETHING wrong with me. How long do I have to wait? When will I be able to actually control my life? Will I ever be able to make myself independent? Or will I always need to depend on someone?
So many questions pop up in my head. I just can't wait till the disappear, but they probably won't. Sometimes, I just hate myself. Is life always like this? Hitting my high school years I don't really know what I've become now. I've always asked myself the question of 'who am I'.
Everyone's always here for me, but..I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. Is it bad to act in front of your friends? I feel like I have a mask on. I feel like I'm hiding my identity or something. I feel like I'm hurting the people around me. even though I don't know what I did, I just kinda feel like I'm hurting those around me.
I say sorry to everyone. It's now a meaningless word to me. It's even a meaningless word to the people I say it to. There were so many times where I told myself, "change ur attitude heather, change it. I will change it. It'll be fine." but there were also so many times where I just couldn't control it. It just kinda...blurted out.
Everytime I go out, I see teenagers, children, even parents running around with a smile on their face and I think to myself, "Why do THEY have smiles? Where's mine? Is my life this bad? What's so bad about it? I have a mother who cares a lot, yet we get into fights, I have a father who works to bring food to the table, I have a sister who listens to all my stories, and I have a brother who's just always there for me. What's so bad about it?"
I guess time just moves on without you. when you wanna stay in the past, it just moves on without you. Time won't wait for you..
I didn't do my devotions today, or yesterday, and probably even the day before that. I've never forgotten about God, but I don't know why, I just didn't do it. Maybe I should start doing it....
I'm at the library, on the computer and I'm supposed to be studying my Biology. Can't. Focus. On. Biology. Too. Many. Things. On. My. Mind. Crap, I should probably start. =P
I wonder how people can just drown themselves in their work. Whenever I have problems, I can't even focus. How is it that people can just drown themselves in their work and forget about their problems? I can't..
6.01.2009
Attitudes
Text for dialogue: Aunt, Me, Dad, Mom
Oh my goodness!!! It's already June...and I didn't even realize it until the end of the day..Why does time have to move so quickly? I've had such a horrible weekend. Speaking of that, I've had such a horrible past 15 years. I feel like such an idiot.
My aunt came over these past few days. It's really nice to see her again, but I gave her an attitude today. Here's the whole story about today....lots of things have already happened.
Today was going fine until around 6 pm. We went to Wisabi Bistro in bell town. After we were almost done with dinner, my aunt goes, "Heather, do you really have a passion for your violin?" I replied, "yes." but at that, I knew it was gunna go deeper. I really dislike it when my parents or anyone asks me if I have a passion for it because I've been asked/lectured by my parents so many times already. She kept on going..saying things like, "Really? Cause when you're in HK, and when I come over to Seattle, I think that all those times included..I've only heard you play for about 5 minutes."
I knew she was being sarcastic, but still! Does she have to say that? It already annoys me so much. I know that right now, I suck at the violin. I don't put much time into it, and that's exactly why. I know that I should put more time in it. She also went ranting on about how when she heard it, it was outta tune. haha, it probably was. But being in the mood I was at that time, I answered like this.
"pshh, maybe it's YOUR ears that have a problem?" I'm sure that was the wrong thing to say...she shook her head. and then I added, "just kidding."
Was that entirely my fault? hm...maybe it was, it probably was. I shouldn't have done that.
In the car, I thought to myself, "do I REALLY REALLY like to play the violin?" I thought about those times where I was really frustrated, mad, annoyed, or just something on the negative side. I knew that after playing my violin, at times, I would be fine. My attitude wouldn't be horrible, and I would be happy.
When we arrived home, I played my violin for two hours nonstop. I actually did get a lot done. As I was finishing, my dad told me to come into his room.
In his room:
Mom was there too. He started on my attitude, and I felt my tears starting to well up, and just sit on the brim of my eye sockets. He started saying, "You know, I'm really tired of you. You're attitudes not changing at all. What's wrong? How do you want us to deal with it? What do you want us to do?"
Me: "I don't know right now. I really don't."
Silence fell in the room and then dad said, "I can see that you're hurt. But, what are you hurt from? What's wrong. How do we solve this?"
Me: *thinking* "Uhh, yeah. Of course I'm hurt. Half about this and half about other things. Things that have been happening in the year of 2009. Things that won't leave my head. But, I can't tell you. I really wish I could, but this stuff is to be kept to myself..and possibly some other friends."
So by now, my tears actually started flowing. I really didn't know what to say. Yes, I've been hurt, but not only by this. This is only part of it. I turned to face anything but them. Trying to fight my tears back, I turned back around. Nothing helped. It just kept flowing. I thought to myself, "Why? Why am I like this right now? I shouldn't even be crying. Heather! Just stop!"
Finally, my mom spoke up, "Why don't you go and get a piece of paper, and write the things that have been hurting you. Come back to us in 30 minutes. (10pm)"
I didn't answer her. I was thinking..."what's there to write? Everything on my mind won't relate to what we're talking about. If I did get a paper and write it all down, I would only be able to come up with one sentence."
I didn't say anything, I didn't move, nor did I look at her. Maybe I should've done one or the other. She ended up going out the room with the sentence, "If you don't wanna talk, I'm not gunna stay here. You're wasting time."
Dad goes, "If you wanna talk, get her back in here. Otherwise, I'm sleeping."
I go, "You guys just aren't patient!"
and again, dad goes, "No..I'm just tired."
I don't blame him for being tired. I know what he does everyday. And after work, he has to come home to see my mom and me fighting. What I was bothered about was how my mom reacted.
She just didn't really even try that hard, and then she just left. I went out to try to get her back into the room to talk. But the mood she was in, I knew nothing would get done tonight. She was in the living room just sitting there. I was trying to get her to listen to me, and also to talk. Here's the basic conversation.
Me: "mom, can you listen?" no response. "mom, can u listen?" x100
mom: "Say what you want!"
me: "no, cause I know that after I say it, you're just gunna be like, 'ok, fine. just leave. ur done' you weren't even patient when we were in the room."
mom: "I wasn't patient?!"
me: "no. cause you wouldn't have walked outta the room if you were."
mom: "I waited for your answer. I didn't get one, and I don't have time for you."
I said sorry to her. but after that, i said, "do you know what I ask myself after every single time I say sorry? I ask, why did I have to say the sorry? How come I never get a sorry?"
mom: "You don't have to say sorry to me if you don't mean it."
me: "That's not what I meant! I meant, how come you never say sorry to me? Why am I always the one saying sorry?????"
mom: "What have I done wrong? Why do I need to say sorry?"
me: "you know, all the things I've just been talking about for 10 minutes now are the things that I think you could change. You told me before, 'if you see something wrong, tell me. I'll try to change.' I never could tell you anything, but these are part of the things. You just don't listen to me when i say them. You don't pay attention."
mom: *looks to the side*
basically, the end result was that I told her I wanted to go to the Library tomorrow, and she said "no. I could just stay in the house, it's so big!" I asked why she opposed my of going to the library. She started saying things like, "We have a whole next year to prepare for. I haven't payed for any of the classes yet. we haven't even talked about it. And this year isn't over yet. It's not summer yet."
"Ok, so. we JUST talked about next year in the car. It all depends on what I'm doing for orchestra. I can move my classes around....We JUST talked about that this afternoon in the car, and now ur saying that we haven't talked about it at all? Are you kidding?!?!
And, I'm going to the library to do homework..I just wanna cool off tmr. I don't wanna get in another fight with you tmr. Isn't that ok with you? Why are you so against it?"
"I stay home all day waiting for you. Waiting to drive you places, cooking for you, doing everything. And when you say you wanna go out like this, you can just go? How about this. you go to the high school next year, and I'll just go find a job. We'll just go our separate ways."
"No. So your basically saying that if I go tmr to the library, then don't even bother to homeschool anymore?"
"just do whatever you want!!"
ok, I really don't know what to do now. there really isn't a way of communicating with her. It's just so hard! What can I do??? I pray real hard. Yes, I do. I wish our relationship was better. I wish she would be more patient. I was TRYING to not light the fire. I didn't want my voice to become loud again. I wanted to have a conversation. I wanted to just listen to what they had to say, and not have to say anything, but they made me say something. they left when I didn't say anything. So what can I do? I know why she's like that, but i can't do anything about it. If I change myself to what she wants, what I say will not be from my heart. It'll just be from my mouth. It'll be what she wants to hear, not what I want to say. We have totally different perspectives. We just can't relate!
When she's mad, she tells me to just go to Mercer Island High School.
When she's alright, she tells me I'm not ready, and that she's not going to give up. She keeps telling me not to go, and the she'll just keep homeschooling me until next year, where I'll go to BCC.
so what does she really want me to do? How am I supposed to fix this relationship we have? Moreover, CAN I?
Oh my goodness!!! It's already June...and I didn't even realize it until the end of the day..Why does time have to move so quickly? I've had such a horrible weekend. Speaking of that, I've had such a horrible past 15 years. I feel like such an idiot.
My aunt came over these past few days. It's really nice to see her again, but I gave her an attitude today. Here's the whole story about today....lots of things have already happened.
Today was going fine until around 6 pm. We went to Wisabi Bistro in bell town. After we were almost done with dinner, my aunt goes, "Heather, do you really have a passion for your violin?" I replied, "yes." but at that, I knew it was gunna go deeper. I really dislike it when my parents or anyone asks me if I have a passion for it because I've been asked/lectured by my parents so many times already. She kept on going..saying things like, "Really? Cause when you're in HK, and when I come over to Seattle, I think that all those times included..I've only heard you play for about 5 minutes."
I knew she was being sarcastic, but still! Does she have to say that? It already annoys me so much. I know that right now, I suck at the violin. I don't put much time into it, and that's exactly why. I know that I should put more time in it. She also went ranting on about how when she heard it, it was outta tune. haha, it probably was. But being in the mood I was at that time, I answered like this.
"pshh, maybe it's YOUR ears that have a problem?" I'm sure that was the wrong thing to say...she shook her head. and then I added, "just kidding."
Was that entirely my fault? hm...maybe it was, it probably was. I shouldn't have done that.
In the car, I thought to myself, "do I REALLY REALLY like to play the violin?" I thought about those times where I was really frustrated, mad, annoyed, or just something on the negative side. I knew that after playing my violin, at times, I would be fine. My attitude wouldn't be horrible, and I would be happy.
When we arrived home, I played my violin for two hours nonstop. I actually did get a lot done. As I was finishing, my dad told me to come into his room.
In his room:
Mom was there too. He started on my attitude, and I felt my tears starting to well up, and just sit on the brim of my eye sockets. He started saying, "You know, I'm really tired of you. You're attitudes not changing at all. What's wrong? How do you want us to deal with it? What do you want us to do?"
Me: "I don't know right now. I really don't."
Silence fell in the room and then dad said, "I can see that you're hurt. But, what are you hurt from? What's wrong. How do we solve this?"
Me: *thinking* "Uhh, yeah. Of course I'm hurt. Half about this and half about other things. Things that have been happening in the year of 2009. Things that won't leave my head. But, I can't tell you. I really wish I could, but this stuff is to be kept to myself..and possibly some other friends."
So by now, my tears actually started flowing. I really didn't know what to say. Yes, I've been hurt, but not only by this. This is only part of it. I turned to face anything but them. Trying to fight my tears back, I turned back around. Nothing helped. It just kept flowing. I thought to myself, "Why? Why am I like this right now? I shouldn't even be crying. Heather! Just stop!"
Finally, my mom spoke up, "Why don't you go and get a piece of paper, and write the things that have been hurting you. Come back to us in 30 minutes. (10pm)"
I didn't answer her. I was thinking..."what's there to write? Everything on my mind won't relate to what we're talking about. If I did get a paper and write it all down, I would only be able to come up with one sentence."
I didn't say anything, I didn't move, nor did I look at her. Maybe I should've done one or the other. She ended up going out the room with the sentence, "If you don't wanna talk, I'm not gunna stay here. You're wasting time."
Dad goes, "If you wanna talk, get her back in here. Otherwise, I'm sleeping."
I go, "You guys just aren't patient!"
and again, dad goes, "No..I'm just tired."
I don't blame him for being tired. I know what he does everyday. And after work, he has to come home to see my mom and me fighting. What I was bothered about was how my mom reacted.
She just didn't really even try that hard, and then she just left. I went out to try to get her back into the room to talk. But the mood she was in, I knew nothing would get done tonight. She was in the living room just sitting there. I was trying to get her to listen to me, and also to talk. Here's the basic conversation.
Me: "mom, can you listen?" no response. "mom, can u listen?" x100
mom: "Say what you want!"
me: "no, cause I know that after I say it, you're just gunna be like, 'ok, fine. just leave. ur done' you weren't even patient when we were in the room."
mom: "I wasn't patient?!"
me: "no. cause you wouldn't have walked outta the room if you were."
mom: "I waited for your answer. I didn't get one, and I don't have time for you."
I said sorry to her. but after that, i said, "do you know what I ask myself after every single time I say sorry? I ask, why did I have to say the sorry? How come I never get a sorry?"
mom: "You don't have to say sorry to me if you don't mean it."
me: "That's not what I meant! I meant, how come you never say sorry to me? Why am I always the one saying sorry?????"
mom: "What have I done wrong? Why do I need to say sorry?"
me: "you know, all the things I've just been talking about for 10 minutes now are the things that I think you could change. You told me before, 'if you see something wrong, tell me. I'll try to change.' I never could tell you anything, but these are part of the things. You just don't listen to me when i say them. You don't pay attention."
mom: *looks to the side*
basically, the end result was that I told her I wanted to go to the Library tomorrow, and she said "no. I could just stay in the house, it's so big!" I asked why she opposed my of going to the library. She started saying things like, "We have a whole next year to prepare for. I haven't payed for any of the classes yet. we haven't even talked about it. And this year isn't over yet. It's not summer yet."
"Ok, so. we JUST talked about next year in the car. It all depends on what I'm doing for orchestra. I can move my classes around....We JUST talked about that this afternoon in the car, and now ur saying that we haven't talked about it at all? Are you kidding?!?!
And, I'm going to the library to do homework..I just wanna cool off tmr. I don't wanna get in another fight with you tmr. Isn't that ok with you? Why are you so against it?"
"I stay home all day waiting for you. Waiting to drive you places, cooking for you, doing everything. And when you say you wanna go out like this, you can just go? How about this. you go to the high school next year, and I'll just go find a job. We'll just go our separate ways."
"No. So your basically saying that if I go tmr to the library, then don't even bother to homeschool anymore?"
"just do whatever you want!!"
ok, I really don't know what to do now. there really isn't a way of communicating with her. It's just so hard! What can I do??? I pray real hard. Yes, I do. I wish our relationship was better. I wish she would be more patient. I was TRYING to not light the fire. I didn't want my voice to become loud again. I wanted to have a conversation. I wanted to just listen to what they had to say, and not have to say anything, but they made me say something. they left when I didn't say anything. So what can I do? I know why she's like that, but i can't do anything about it. If I change myself to what she wants, what I say will not be from my heart. It'll just be from my mouth. It'll be what she wants to hear, not what I want to say. We have totally different perspectives. We just can't relate!
When she's mad, she tells me to just go to Mercer Island High School.
When she's alright, she tells me I'm not ready, and that she's not going to give up. She keeps telling me not to go, and the she'll just keep homeschooling me until next year, where I'll go to BCC.
so what does she really want me to do? How am I supposed to fix this relationship we have? Moreover, CAN I?
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