June already....

It's June now, and the weather's getting really nice. I'm actually surprised that it's been sunny for almost a month now! Praise the Lord. =)

Although it's so nice outside and people are starting to feel like summer's here, my life is still so messy. The atmosphere at home is so tense. Sometimes, I really wanna just...leave. Mom and dad disabled the internet on the home computer. I can't get online on that computer. There's a laptop at home, but it's moms. So much is about to happen. I really wanna just ignore it and live a happy life.

My brain's so messed up right now. I'm not thinking right. I forgot Ken's jacket like...10 times. Everything's making me so tense and stressed. I can't even focus on studying for my Biology final on thursday. I failed my pig anatomy test, so I need to get an A on my final. It's the end of my Freshman year now and I'm already such a messed up teen. Homeschooling didn't really do anything for me. Maybe it kept me on a closer walk with God, but it definitely killed my relationship with my mom. Even she thinks that I don't have a close walk with God. If I told her that I did, she'd just be like, "If you did, then you wouldn't have done this, that, or that.."

Sigh* what can I do with my life. More like, "God, what should I do with my life?" I've told myself many times. "no, heather, you're not going to lose your faith in God. He's still there. You've asked him so many things and he hasn't given you a sign, but that's only cause it's not the right time. Listen closely Heather. Listen to his calling."

I try to help so many people in my life. My family, my friends, etc. but what about me? Did I forget about myself or something? Cause I know there's definitely SOMETHING wrong with me. How long do I have to wait? When will I be able to actually control my life? Will I ever be able to make myself independent? Or will I always need to depend on someone?

So many questions pop up in my head. I just can't wait till the disappear, but they probably won't. Sometimes, I just hate myself. Is life always like this? Hitting my high school years I don't really know what I've become now. I've always asked myself the question of 'who am I'.

Everyone's always here for me, but..I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. Is it bad to act in front of your friends? I feel like I have a mask on. I feel like I'm hiding my identity or something. I feel like I'm hurting the people around me. even though I don't know what I did, I just kinda feel like I'm hurting those around me.

I say sorry to everyone. It's now a meaningless word to me. It's even a meaningless word to the people I say it to. There were so many times where I told myself, "change ur attitude heather, change it. I will change it. It'll be fine." but there were also so many times where I just couldn't control it. It just kinda...blurted out.

Everytime I go out, I see teenagers, children, even parents running around with a smile on their face and I think to myself, "Why do THEY have smiles? Where's mine? Is my life this bad? What's so bad about it? I have a mother who cares a lot, yet we get into fights, I have a father who works to bring food to the table, I have a sister who listens to all my stories, and I have a brother who's just always there for me. What's so bad about it?"

I guess time just moves on without you. when you wanna stay in the past, it just moves on without you. Time won't wait for you..

I didn't do my devotions today, or yesterday, and probably even the day before that. I've never forgotten about God, but I don't know why, I just didn't do it. Maybe I should start doing it....

I'm at the library, on the computer and I'm supposed to be studying my Biology. Can't. Focus. On. Biology. Too. Many. Things. On. My. Mind. Crap, I should probably start. =P

I wonder how people can just drown themselves in their work. Whenever I have problems, I can't even focus. How is it that people can just drown themselves in their work and forget about their problems? I can't..