I thought I would be fine, but I guessed wrongly. Yesterday was horrible. May 30th...sigh*
I wanted to write this blog earlier, but mom didn't let me.
Yesterday was a total disaster....yes, another one.
So at first, the day was fine. SYSO was just another day...Carpooling was weird today, but that's ok. When I arrived home, I basically immediately started editing my writing with Dad. Mann, that took so long...I had to study for some Biology too.
Originally, I planned to go out with Melissa Ling at 3 pm for a run, go to factoria, and then go to her youth group, life focus. hahahha, totally didn't work out. Ended up meeting her at her house around 6 15...and then leaving for life/focus right away.
Mom made a total fuss about me wearing a two piece. Oh wow, you wouldn't believe it. I wish she just wouldn't care so much. When Randy and I were in the car, she would say to us, "Why are you guys wearing flipflops? That's so disrespectful. You guys shouldn't be wearing that." If we answered with a, "It's fine mom....it's FINE" She would just get all mad. I mean, seriously? Isn't that just a LITTLE bit unreasonable?! Gosh, I got so mad at that..
Ahh, I broke out lets say...about 6 times yesterday. I really didn't think that it would happen, but it did. Problems with mom just made everything worse. Him being so excited for prom..I guess it's a given, he should be. But why do I have to live in the past? I feel like it's all me pondering. I just got three freakin hrs of sleep. Mom didn't even let me stay up and have time to myself..which I definitely needed. It's 4:50 am right now. What am I even doing awake?! Crying myself to sleeep, and then waking up three hours later.
You know, I really wish he would just be able to read my mind. Know what I'm thinking right now, and fix all that we did. I wish he would talk about our past with me. I wish he would bring it up. But, how can he bring it up when he hardly talk to me now? This is so not going to work out. Why do I even have to be thinking so much? It's not like it's going to help.
Bitterness swelled up in me last night. Everything came flashing back. I jerked my head to every noise to see if he was around the corner. Ahh, I longed for him....but knew that he would never be here again in my arms. My heartbeat was slow, my tears were just flowing. By the end, my body was dry...and I just fell asleep. The tears weren't only leftovers of him.. It was everything around me. My surrounding. I'm still mad. Yes, but being mad won't help anything.
I made many mad yesterday. Dad worked for me, never did I say the words 'thank you' to him. I made him not be able to do his things. Why am I always like that? Why do I need to make myself feel so guilty afterwards?
My Dad's eldest sister came to Seattle last night. She's sleeping in my room. I really didn't want her to. I ended up sleeping in the living room because of how much I just wanted to cry everything out. No matter how much I thought, cried, or slept, nothing would have changed.
I've never been like this my entire life. It's so interesting. I've probably also made a lot of my closest friends suffer. They have to listen to me everyday ranting on and on.. I just wanna take a moment to say sorry to everyone. Whoever's reading this. I apprecate it a lot...Thanks for caring.
The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months recently have been so filled with agony. No one really knows, but every single time something happens, it's like my heart has skipped a beat. Gloomyness just swells all over me. I pray to God asking for peace and wisdom. I try to listen to what he has to say to me. But words like, "I don't wanna hurt you." or "Breaking up with you doesn't mean I don't like you anymore" play in my head countless times. It just won't stop. It just won't go away.
Everything just swept past me without me even realizing it. I really didn't think last night would be that way. I was so unprepared for it. People in the house felt like strangers. I felt so alone. Yes, I knew that God was with me, but at that time, God didn't even have a place in my heart. I find that extremely sad. Being a so called 'Christian' for at least 13 years of my 15 year old life....What do I even KNOW about God? Am I really a Christian? Darkness filled me on May 30th.
After crying my eyes out, I finally sought peace and fell asleep, but not for long. All these events in my life are capturing all my energy. I'm just like a deteriorating old lady. I've found my weeknesses. *sigh* May 30th...may 30th.. Everything just keeps playing in my head over and over again. It never stops. My brain never stops.
5.31.2009
5.29.2009
It's just about this one dude....
It's around 12:30am and I really need to vent myself out..This probably isn't all, but here's part of it.
Why does everything have to be this way? Why couldn't we stay as people who liked each other? Why are you such a changed person now? Your totally not the guy I liked....and I really don't want the guy I liked to die. Just being here in my room, all these memories pop up again. Why has so much changed? You tell me.
You know what I'm most pissed about? After everything has happened, you just left everything alone.....including me. We've never once again talked about our relationship. Why did our relationship seem so very........irresponsible? I really don't like it this way. I feel so selfish. Is all this because of me? This is my own thinking right?? But still, why did we end up being this way?
Those words are always stuck in my head..."I love you" or, "I miss you". They just keep going round and round in my head... The questions "Does he really?" or...."How about now?" always invade my thoughts.
When I'm on msn and your on...I have an urge to start talking to you. I'm trying not to. I don't wanna give you pressure. Me suffering is better than you suffering right? But every time, I give in.. It's always just that longing to see him say hi. My heart races after pressing enter every single time..."What is he going to say next? What will he think about what I say?" Those are immediate questions in my brain. Sometimes, he answers, sometimes, he doesn't.
After saying the normal hi's.....we stop talking. It's so different. I'm not used to it. but it always happens. He just..somehow, stops talking. Why am I always the one initiating talks? It's so tiring..yet, I can't bear to see him always online and just....not talk to me.
Tomorrow's prom for him..and as a friend, I asked him today if he was excited for tmr. He answered with a "yes...I just got back from the tux shop." For some reason, my heart just sank right then and there. Ahhh, what should I say next? He asked, so what are you up to? I said...nothing much. and he says, "Thats all??"
Ok, so what else can I say when I'm in this kinda state and he doesn't know it? My life is just the exact thing repeating itself over and over again...never stopping. My heart keeps beating..breath still comes out.
Actually, I was even surprised he kept going with the conversation. He usually doesn't ask so much. At his questions, I just sank deeper into the hole. Is he THAT excited for tomorrow? *sigh* what can I do...
I wish you knew how I feel..I really wish you knew....The fact is that.. Yes, I still can't get over all this. I can't get over the fact that this is how you're treating me right now. I really wish we still had a friendly relationship..but I guess it won't work....for you.
Why does everything have to be this way? Why couldn't we stay as people who liked each other? Why are you such a changed person now? Your totally not the guy I liked....and I really don't want the guy I liked to die. Just being here in my room, all these memories pop up again. Why has so much changed? You tell me.
You know what I'm most pissed about? After everything has happened, you just left everything alone.....including me. We've never once again talked about our relationship. Why did our relationship seem so very........irresponsible? I really don't like it this way. I feel so selfish. Is all this because of me? This is my own thinking right?? But still, why did we end up being this way?
Those words are always stuck in my head..."I love you" or, "I miss you". They just keep going round and round in my head... The questions "Does he really?" or...."How about now?" always invade my thoughts.
When I'm on msn and your on...I have an urge to start talking to you. I'm trying not to. I don't wanna give you pressure. Me suffering is better than you suffering right? But every time, I give in.. It's always just that longing to see him say hi. My heart races after pressing enter every single time..."What is he going to say next? What will he think about what I say?" Those are immediate questions in my brain. Sometimes, he answers, sometimes, he doesn't.
After saying the normal hi's.....we stop talking. It's so different. I'm not used to it. but it always happens. He just..somehow, stops talking. Why am I always the one initiating talks? It's so tiring..yet, I can't bear to see him always online and just....not talk to me.
Tomorrow's prom for him..and as a friend, I asked him today if he was excited for tmr. He answered with a "yes...I just got back from the tux shop." For some reason, my heart just sank right then and there. Ahhh, what should I say next? He asked, so what are you up to? I said...nothing much. and he says, "Thats all??"
Ok, so what else can I say when I'm in this kinda state and he doesn't know it? My life is just the exact thing repeating itself over and over again...never stopping. My heart keeps beating..breath still comes out.
Actually, I was even surprised he kept going with the conversation. He usually doesn't ask so much. At his questions, I just sank deeper into the hole. Is he THAT excited for tomorrow? *sigh* what can I do...
I wish you knew how I feel..I really wish you knew....The fact is that.. Yes, I still can't get over all this. I can't get over the fact that this is how you're treating me right now. I really wish we still had a friendly relationship..but I guess it won't work....for you.
My Beloved Friends
Hey! I just wanted to take this time to really appreciate some of my good friends. They've been through so much with me and I appreciate them so much.
All through my life at different times, they've been there for me. Sometimes, although I don't realize it, they're still there..
Melissa Ling - I love you Melissa. I love the Saturday runs we're starting to do. I thank God for introducing you to me. I feel like it's such a blessing to know you! Thanks for also keeping me accountable in what I do in life. I appreciate all your views and how you've helped me so much. Although we haven't met for long...lets see, I met you....at capture/d/? =D Ahh, memories.. Anyways, I see that we've grown together so quickly. The problems I'm facing now...you know practically all of it and you've been encouraging me time to time. Thanks for your prayers!! I love you ♥
Edwina Choung - Minji!!!! haha, there's always thing I can tell you whether it's about life, school, boys (=P), or just....troubles in general. You're always there to help me with what I need and at times, just listen and be there for me. I love hanging out with you even though we haven't had much time to do that yet. You're smile brightens up everything in life...Keep growing and reaching for the Lord! Love yousssss
Angela Lin - I haven't had much time to talk to you. After meeting you at 30 hour famine, I felt so blessed. I love listening to your stories as well as telling you mine. I'm glad we've met and I hope we will get to know each other more in the future. =)
Esther Chow - Hahah, oh wow. How long have I known you for? ahhh, ur always there for me aren't you.. do you know how much I look up to you? you're an awesome friend. <3
SuNa Cheng - I've known you since middle school. We were so close before..what happened? Is it only because I moved up to high school? why did our relationship turn out like this? I miss those times where we shared everything with each other. You used to know the most about me. I hope in the future, we'll be able to bond. S2
Shu-Ting Chan - Shuting!!!! Oh my. I love growing with you. Although I haven't had much chance to share with you like I've shared my life with others, I really enjoy being around you. You're such a fun bunch. I feel like I haven't gotten to know you very well even though I've known you for quite some time. Thanks for always being there for me!!!!
Kristy Chan (Sister) - Through all the ups and downs..you've been there. You know about ever relationship I've had. You know almost everything about me. You probably even know more than mom and dad. You're the closest sister I've ever had. I appreciate you so much. Chatting with you brings me joy. The only thing is that I noticed that you've moved onto uni. There's so little time left. I wish we used those before times more preciously. There are times where I don't see you for a couple of days. I missed talking to you like crazy. I'm so glad that God has put you in my life. Thanks for everything!! <3
Randy Chan (Brother) - You help me through everything..when I need it. When mom and dad aren't here, when Kristy isn't here. You're always there for me. There are times where I haven't noticed how much you care for me. To think that we could've grown so much during those times before where we spent arguing and doing stupid things. I've seen you grow so much. I actually saw your process in growing with the Lord. You've changed. I'm happy for you. and thanks for being there alway for ur little muii. =)
Geoffrey Wong - I miss those times we've had together....but now it doesn't matter. Gotta move on right? I haven't shared anything with you for the longest time. I wish we kept up the Goh/Mui relationship. You were always there for me when I was down before. I shared with you everything that had been happening. but in the end, what happened? where did you go? Is it history already? I really don't regret what we did in the past. but what I do regret is how everything turned out and also how I didn't get to know you better. Anyways, thanks for just being there for me. <3 Muii
Ethan Chan - Thanks for all the photos. =) hahah, and also, thanks for listening to me when I like to just ramble on and on..
Heather Chan - Heather!!! It's so fun to get to know someone with the exact same name as me. Thanks for all those moments and memories we've made together!
Shannon Daly - Girl! I totally adore you!! =) All those times at Legacy...I can't believe they're over!!!! man, time really does fly. Thanks for all those sharing times we've had together. they're really good. They helped me a lot...and ur advice........on boys lol. BCC is almost here in a year...we'll totally have fun with that right? Anyways, thanks for all those memories we've made!!! love ya babeee
Emily Togerson - Oh my, this year was fun....that 1pm break we had every thursday? haha, that was totally awesome! Well, I hope everything goes well in the summer for you! HAGS haha or more of... KIT and KOOT? lol
Kirsten Bakke - Hey Bio buddy! haha, you've brought much fun into my life. I thank God for bringing you into my life.. Thanks for all those fun times!!
Olivia Christensen - I stupid! haha, that phrase is stuck in my head because of you. =P Thanks for the great times in Biology!
Annie Vuu - Stand partnerrrr! =) Haha, thes two years have been amaaazing! Thanks! And thanks for your cardboard birthday card. ahahha
Linh Ai - Thanks for keeping me posted on the high schools updates. Without you, I'd be making a fool of myself...coming to the high school when there's no class...and possibly walking into class when there's a different class there. =P
Ken Ng - Haha, no idea...but thanks!
Sammi Yuen - Good times, good times together. Remember that one time at 30 hr famine? Haha that was awesome..but then you forgot everything I said to you..I don't blame you tho. It was around 3 or 4 am. hehe and capture/d/ was just awesome with you. =) love you
Brianne Grva - Sorry for always saying ur name wrong!!!! but I love hanging out with you. =) thanks for all those times..
Cindy Wang - I love you cindy!!!!!!!!!!!! haha, we soo need to hang out more. I love sharing stories with you. when i'm around you, all my problems seeem to all just spill out or....i forget them. thanks so muchhh for these memories!
Judy Li - Judy! haha, I think we got a lot closer to each other these past two years because of emmanuel fellowship. Don'tcha think? I love partnering with you while teaching these kids!!! Thanks so much for listening to all the stories that tumbled outta my mouth too haha.
Sharon Li - Oh my, we need to spend more time together!!!! =) haha love you
Serena Lee - Man, first grade friends can you say? Haha, so much has happened between us and yet it was only these past two years where we really did bond. =) I love it. Thanks for just being there for me girl! love ya
Alia Holmes - Thanks for always just listening to what I have to say and then giving me advice. Advice on what God would want me to do, or what we should be doing. =) love you girlie..
Brianna Langley - Worldview with you this year was amazing. =) your smile is always so bright. It makes my Thursdays happyyyyy. haha thanks girl
Melia Dudgeon - It was great meeting you this year! Too bad we never got to hang out. =( Thanks for all the good times in Legacy!!!
Alexis Rothlisberger - Thanks alexis for always being there for me! I miss those talk we had on the stairs of OCC on Thursdays.... =)
Carmen Tsui - Hey first grade friend! haha, thannks for all those times we've had together when we were little. I really treasure it.
I may have missed other people in this post...But I really wanna thank ALL my friends for just always being there for me, reminding me what God really wants me to be doing, and just....MAKING ME HAPPY haha.
Whenever I'm around you guys, I always forget my troubles...You guys are great listeners and I am really blessed to know you all. I can't thank you guys enough!!!
All through my life at different times, they've been there for me. Sometimes, although I don't realize it, they're still there..
Melissa Ling - I love you Melissa. I love the Saturday runs we're starting to do. I thank God for introducing you to me. I feel like it's such a blessing to know you! Thanks for also keeping me accountable in what I do in life. I appreciate all your views and how you've helped me so much. Although we haven't met for long...lets see, I met you....at capture/d/? =D Ahh, memories.. Anyways, I see that we've grown together so quickly. The problems I'm facing now...you know practically all of it and you've been encouraging me time to time. Thanks for your prayers!! I love you ♥
Edwina Choung - Minji!!!! haha, there's always thing I can tell you whether it's about life, school, boys (=P), or just....troubles in general. You're always there to help me with what I need and at times, just listen and be there for me. I love hanging out with you even though we haven't had much time to do that yet. You're smile brightens up everything in life...Keep growing and reaching for the Lord! Love yousssss
Angela Lin - I haven't had much time to talk to you. After meeting you at 30 hour famine, I felt so blessed. I love listening to your stories as well as telling you mine. I'm glad we've met and I hope we will get to know each other more in the future. =)
Esther Chow - Hahah, oh wow. How long have I known you for? ahhh, ur always there for me aren't you.. do you know how much I look up to you? you're an awesome friend. <3
SuNa Cheng - I've known you since middle school. We were so close before..what happened? Is it only because I moved up to high school? why did our relationship turn out like this? I miss those times where we shared everything with each other. You used to know the most about me. I hope in the future, we'll be able to bond. S2
Shu-Ting Chan - Shuting!!!! Oh my. I love growing with you. Although I haven't had much chance to share with you like I've shared my life with others, I really enjoy being around you. You're such a fun bunch. I feel like I haven't gotten to know you very well even though I've known you for quite some time. Thanks for always being there for me!!!!
Kristy Chan (Sister) - Through all the ups and downs..you've been there. You know about ever relationship I've had. You know almost everything about me. You probably even know more than mom and dad. You're the closest sister I've ever had. I appreciate you so much. Chatting with you brings me joy. The only thing is that I noticed that you've moved onto uni. There's so little time left. I wish we used those before times more preciously. There are times where I don't see you for a couple of days. I missed talking to you like crazy. I'm so glad that God has put you in my life. Thanks for everything!! <3
Randy Chan (Brother) - You help me through everything..when I need it. When mom and dad aren't here, when Kristy isn't here. You're always there for me. There are times where I haven't noticed how much you care for me. To think that we could've grown so much during those times before where we spent arguing and doing stupid things. I've seen you grow so much. I actually saw your process in growing with the Lord. You've changed. I'm happy for you. and thanks for being there alway for ur little muii. =)
Geoffrey Wong - I miss those times we've had together....but now it doesn't matter. Gotta move on right? I haven't shared anything with you for the longest time. I wish we kept up the Goh/Mui relationship. You were always there for me when I was down before. I shared with you everything that had been happening. but in the end, what happened? where did you go? Is it history already? I really don't regret what we did in the past. but what I do regret is how everything turned out and also how I didn't get to know you better. Anyways, thanks for just being there for me. <3 Muii
Ethan Chan - Thanks for all the photos. =) hahah, and also, thanks for listening to me when I like to just ramble on and on..
Heather Chan - Heather!!! It's so fun to get to know someone with the exact same name as me. Thanks for all those moments and memories we've made together!
Shannon Daly - Girl! I totally adore you!! =) All those times at Legacy...I can't believe they're over!!!! man, time really does fly. Thanks for all those sharing times we've had together. they're really good. They helped me a lot...and ur advice........on boys lol. BCC is almost here in a year...we'll totally have fun with that right? Anyways, thanks for all those memories we've made!!! love ya babeee
Emily Togerson - Oh my, this year was fun....that 1pm break we had every thursday? haha, that was totally awesome! Well, I hope everything goes well in the summer for you! HAGS haha or more of... KIT and KOOT? lol
Kirsten Bakke - Hey Bio buddy! haha, you've brought much fun into my life. I thank God for bringing you into my life.. Thanks for all those fun times!!
Olivia Christensen - I stupid! haha, that phrase is stuck in my head because of you. =P Thanks for the great times in Biology!
Annie Vuu - Stand partnerrrr! =) Haha, thes two years have been amaaazing! Thanks! And thanks for your cardboard birthday card. ahahha
Linh Ai - Thanks for keeping me posted on the high schools updates. Without you, I'd be making a fool of myself...coming to the high school when there's no class...and possibly walking into class when there's a different class there. =P
Ken Ng - Haha, no idea...but thanks!
Sammi Yuen - Good times, good times together. Remember that one time at 30 hr famine? Haha that was awesome..but then you forgot everything I said to you..I don't blame you tho. It was around 3 or 4 am. hehe and capture/d/ was just awesome with you. =) love you
Brianne Grva - Sorry for always saying ur name wrong!!!! but I love hanging out with you. =) thanks for all those times..
Cindy Wang - I love you cindy!!!!!!!!!!!! haha, we soo need to hang out more. I love sharing stories with you. when i'm around you, all my problems seeem to all just spill out or....i forget them. thanks so muchhh for these memories!
Judy Li - Judy! haha, I think we got a lot closer to each other these past two years because of emmanuel fellowship. Don'tcha think? I love partnering with you while teaching these kids!!! Thanks so much for listening to all the stories that tumbled outta my mouth too haha.
Sharon Li - Oh my, we need to spend more time together!!!! =) haha love you
Serena Lee - Man, first grade friends can you say? Haha, so much has happened between us and yet it was only these past two years where we really did bond. =) I love it. Thanks for just being there for me girl! love ya
Alia Holmes - Thanks for always just listening to what I have to say and then giving me advice. Advice on what God would want me to do, or what we should be doing. =) love you girlie..
Brianna Langley - Worldview with you this year was amazing. =) your smile is always so bright. It makes my Thursdays happyyyyy. haha thanks girl
Melia Dudgeon - It was great meeting you this year! Too bad we never got to hang out. =( Thanks for all the good times in Legacy!!!
Alexis Rothlisberger - Thanks alexis for always being there for me! I miss those talk we had on the stairs of OCC on Thursdays.... =)
Carmen Tsui - Hey first grade friend! haha, thannks for all those times we've had together when we were little. I really treasure it.
I may have missed other people in this post...But I really wanna thank ALL my friends for just always being there for me, reminding me what God really wants me to be doing, and just....MAKING ME HAPPY haha.
Whenever I'm around you guys, I always forget my troubles...You guys are great listeners and I am really blessed to know you all. I can't thank you guys enough!!!
5.27.2009
It has to be fixed....It has to be rendered.
- When I'm online, she kicks me off or gives me something to do.
- When I'm not playing my violin, she says I don't have the passion.
- When she sees me talking in class, she instantly thinks I'm not listening.
- When I just sit there in class, she says I'm not participating.
- When I ask 'good' questions in class, she shuts her mouth.
- When I don't show her my work, she says I haven't done anything.
- When I show her my work, she doesn't seem interested, or...we get into a fight.
- When we talk about my future, she thinks I don't care.
- When I ask her a question, it turns into an argument.
- When she makes me mad, she flares at me because I'm ignoring her.
- When she gets mad, she totally ignores me and shuts her communication line off.
- When I want to go out, she either says I've had enough hangouts with my friends or asks what we do when we hang out. When I say we talk about life, she goes into detail. When I say I don't want to tell her, her alarm goes off again.
- When I'm on the phone and she's trying to call, she gets mad....even though the phone call with my friend was important.
- When I want some thing (depends on what), she says I have too much.
- It seems like when I do one thing she says another.
- When she says something, and I say something back.....she says I'm talking back.
I really have no way of communicating.....It's just been way too long. Is it just cause we need a break? I used to think that, but I guess that wouldn't help either. I've tried to fix it so many times. A day without arguing is already really good. When that happens, and I tell her, she's just like...that's cause I didn't check up on what you did today...and then I realize that that was true. There's one more year. Only one more year. How am i going to spend it? I don't want to spend my last year like this....but how can I change things? Is patience the key?
Colossians 3:12-13
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Psalm 34:18
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Proverbs 15:18
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Psalm 34:18
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Proverbs 15:18
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in
love.
5.26.2009
8 Years Have Passed......
Eight years have passed and what have I accomplished? Mom homeschools me, Dad works for me (in order to buy my clothes, food, water, everything), my sister helps me with my problems, and my brother..oh, he's always just there for me even though I don't see it.
Speaking of homeschooling...
Some may know, I've been homeschooled now for almost nine years. Whenever I mention it for the first time they would always say to me, "You're so lucky that you get to sleep in!" Others have said and asked, "It must be so easy. You'd hardly get any homework right?" The fact is that, they don't know what homeschooling means. They always take it the wrong way. As a homeschooler, it's what I often see. Yes, it irritates me. It bugs me when others say that it's a lot easier than public school.
There are different troubles in homeschooling and public school. The first main big difference is that when you're homeschooled, you face your parents everyday...or at least one of your parents.
No, my mom doesn't teach me. She just helps me. I have regular classes. Once a week....it depends on which co-op you go to. The one I've been going to since the year of 2000 is named Legacy. It's awsome. We have regular classes..it's just like public school going from class to class. The only main difference is that Legacy is only on Thursdays. Oh man, but does that help a lot.....It makes me excited and happy when Thursdays come. I'm not all sad and down that another school day is here. That I have to go to school, turn in assignments, and face my teachers again. That doesn't happen.
The environment in Legacy is also Christian. Everyone you meet there is nice...but occasionally, you could meet one opposite. =:P That's always the case.
Ok, so back to the subject with my mom. I've been with her for 8 years almost 24/7. We've gotten to the point where we both argue so much. Sometimes, I just don't know how to deal with her. It's so hard to communicate my thoughts. I want to go to BCC my junior year. If that's the case, I'm going to have to wait one more year. I know time will fly...so I'm not going to complain. Every year, it seems like time passes by so much quicker than the year before. Is it cause I'm growing older? haha...maybe. My mom and I have gone through so much. From happy to sad and from smiles to tears. I know that I've hurt her so much. I don't know how to apologize to her because I will never be able to apologize enough. At the same time, I've been hurt too. Hurt by all the things that happened. Everything just piles on top of everything. She says that my attitude has gotten worse. In fact, I think that it hasn't gotten worse. It's just that the feelings have piled up so high that by every word I say, we both grow angry.
I've tried to think....Is this just a learning process? I thought it was...until it just kept going. It's so sad to see the way we're hurting each other. I used to not want to go to Mercer Island High School. There were many thing that I had against going there. But it has gotten to the point that I've said, "It doesn't matter where I go now, cause it's all the same. The high school is as bad as being homeschooled." Sometimes, I even wish that I could go to the high school. She's keeping me back from going. She's under so much stress, yet she's keeping me back. She's trying so hard to lead me down the right path and I know that....
I'm trying. I'm trying real hard not to disappoint her, yet I do it time and time again. What should I do? Is there anything I can do? I've lost her trust in me many times. I've been in the wrong for so long.
It is true that sometimes it's just cause I have a different type of thinking. We think differently. Yes, we totally do. That is one thing I can't deny. She always says that she's hurt, but doesn't she know that I am too? What about me? Is it ONLY my fault? There are so many things I remember that I don't like.......but here in Mark 11:25, it says:
"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
If anything, I have to forgive. I have to leave everything behind me. (although I know that she won't read this, I'll write it anyways)
Mom, I really do appreciate everything you do for me. At times, my attitude may be bad, but it's just part of me. You know, one of those bad habits that I've formed? I know, there are a lot of times where it seems like I like arguing with you. Totally not true.
Psalm 30:5
"Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."
Here, it says that anger only lasts for a moment. To me, it SHOULD only last a moment, but usually it doesn't. It's something I need to learn myself.
There's a friend I have. He told me that everything would be fine. He said that even though mom's mad at you now, she'll be fine in the morning. I know that, because in the Bible, it says that when you sleep, you should sleep and then in the morning, start a new day. That was what I hoped for. It wasn't exactly what happened, but it was what I hoped for. I thought, "Would that really happen? Really?" I've learned from young that every time something happens, you gotta fix it. Without fixing it, it'll never go away. I doubted that everything would go away by morning, and it didn't....but it went away that day. Thank God for that.
I know that I have hurt each and every one of my family members at one point. Whether it was from hurting my mom and needing my dad to fix it for me, to hurting each one individually. I love my family members. Even though I have wronged them so many times, they're still there supporting me. They're always there from when morning comes to the end of the day. I just want to spend some time to thank them and also say sorry to them.
So many things have happened in my life these eight years. From moving to Washington...to now as I head to my 10th year. So many things have been told. So many things have been heard. I will take it with me wherever I go.
Speaking of homeschooling...
Some may know, I've been homeschooled now for almost nine years. Whenever I mention it for the first time they would always say to me, "You're so lucky that you get to sleep in!" Others have said and asked, "It must be so easy. You'd hardly get any homework right?" The fact is that, they don't know what homeschooling means. They always take it the wrong way. As a homeschooler, it's what I often see. Yes, it irritates me. It bugs me when others say that it's a lot easier than public school.
There are different troubles in homeschooling and public school. The first main big difference is that when you're homeschooled, you face your parents everyday...or at least one of your parents.
No, my mom doesn't teach me. She just helps me. I have regular classes. Once a week....it depends on which co-op you go to. The one I've been going to since the year of 2000 is named Legacy. It's awsome. We have regular classes..it's just like public school going from class to class. The only main difference is that Legacy is only on Thursdays. Oh man, but does that help a lot.....It makes me excited and happy when Thursdays come. I'm not all sad and down that another school day is here. That I have to go to school, turn in assignments, and face my teachers again. That doesn't happen.
The environment in Legacy is also Christian. Everyone you meet there is nice...but occasionally, you could meet one opposite. =:P That's always the case.
Ok, so back to the subject with my mom. I've been with her for 8 years almost 24/7. We've gotten to the point where we both argue so much. Sometimes, I just don't know how to deal with her. It's so hard to communicate my thoughts. I want to go to BCC my junior year. If that's the case, I'm going to have to wait one more year. I know time will fly...so I'm not going to complain. Every year, it seems like time passes by so much quicker than the year before. Is it cause I'm growing older? haha...maybe. My mom and I have gone through so much. From happy to sad and from smiles to tears. I know that I've hurt her so much. I don't know how to apologize to her because I will never be able to apologize enough. At the same time, I've been hurt too. Hurt by all the things that happened. Everything just piles on top of everything. She says that my attitude has gotten worse. In fact, I think that it hasn't gotten worse. It's just that the feelings have piled up so high that by every word I say, we both grow angry.
I've tried to think....Is this just a learning process? I thought it was...until it just kept going. It's so sad to see the way we're hurting each other. I used to not want to go to Mercer Island High School. There were many thing that I had against going there. But it has gotten to the point that I've said, "It doesn't matter where I go now, cause it's all the same. The high school is as bad as being homeschooled." Sometimes, I even wish that I could go to the high school. She's keeping me back from going. She's under so much stress, yet she's keeping me back. She's trying so hard to lead me down the right path and I know that....
I'm trying. I'm trying real hard not to disappoint her, yet I do it time and time again. What should I do? Is there anything I can do? I've lost her trust in me many times. I've been in the wrong for so long.
It is true that sometimes it's just cause I have a different type of thinking. We think differently. Yes, we totally do. That is one thing I can't deny. She always says that she's hurt, but doesn't she know that I am too? What about me? Is it ONLY my fault? There are so many things I remember that I don't like.......but here in Mark 11:25, it says:
"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
If anything, I have to forgive. I have to leave everything behind me. (although I know that she won't read this, I'll write it anyways)
Mom, I really do appreciate everything you do for me. At times, my attitude may be bad, but it's just part of me. You know, one of those bad habits that I've formed? I know, there are a lot of times where it seems like I like arguing with you. Totally not true.
Psalm 30:5
"Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."
Here, it says that anger only lasts for a moment. To me, it SHOULD only last a moment, but usually it doesn't. It's something I need to learn myself.
There's a friend I have. He told me that everything would be fine. He said that even though mom's mad at you now, she'll be fine in the morning. I know that, because in the Bible, it says that when you sleep, you should sleep and then in the morning, start a new day. That was what I hoped for. It wasn't exactly what happened, but it was what I hoped for. I thought, "Would that really happen? Really?" I've learned from young that every time something happens, you gotta fix it. Without fixing it, it'll never go away. I doubted that everything would go away by morning, and it didn't....but it went away that day. Thank God for that.
I know that I have hurt each and every one of my family members at one point. Whether it was from hurting my mom and needing my dad to fix it for me, to hurting each one individually. I love my family members. Even though I have wronged them so many times, they're still there supporting me. They're always there from when morning comes to the end of the day. I just want to spend some time to thank them and also say sorry to them.
So many things have happened in my life these eight years. From moving to Washington...to now as I head to my 10th year. So many things have been told. So many things have been heard. I will take it with me wherever I go.
5.22.2009
The stress, hurt, and emotion
It was only for 2 months, and then everything ended. Why? I asked myself. I wasn't even clear of it. A week before we really did 分手, I had only a slight idea. It wasn't sudden for me, but I still didn't know it was official. It's definitely a very long story. Here, I will spill everything.
So from the beginning, it was a slow process. First, we made each other into siblings. Yes, he's three years older than me, but what does age matter? All my friends say it's a big gap, but....does it matter that much if you love him? Honestly, I don't know/remember when I started liking him. I met him at Praise night on December 7th by playing human bingo. Although I didn't 'know' him, I met him at school again. There, we officially met. I still remember that day very clearly. He was going to play his senior solo that night for orchestra. It all started when I went up to him and asked, "Were you at SCAC (my church) Praise Night?" He answered with a yes. At that moment, I didn't know that anything would happen. As time went on, I would see him everywhere. It's like I could find him no matter where he was. Eventually, we mutually bonded.
During those times, I was happy. I had someone I could count on. I had someone I could go to. When something went bad, he would be the first one I would think of.
One Sunday night, he had an orchestra concert to go to. I really wanted to attend it, but my mom being her, did not let me. His concert ended at around 7, and at that time, my parents were at Bally working out. Wanting to see him that badly, I asked if he could come over for a while since my parents were gone for a little bit. By the time he arrived, it was 8. My brother, not knowing that he would come over asked me, "Did you know that Bally closes at 8? You better call them." So I listened, and called them. As my parents picked up, they pulled into the driveway, and this was not even five minutes after he came in. We rushed him downstairs, and made him leave through the back door. After the incident, you wouldn't know how bad I felt. Although he lived 10 minutes walking distance away, it was night, and he basically came over for nothing. Now, he had to walk home after seeing me for only five minutes. There was nothing I could do, but feel bad. I totally didn't know what to do. But he's a nice guy, he didn't mind. (At least he said so) Whenever I said I felt bad about that incident, he'd say, "Well, I got to see you for five minutes, and that's worth the walk already." He knew what to say to me every time. He comforted me when I was in a bad mood.
During that time, I had problems with my relationship with my mom, and even now, we're going through a lot. There was a time when I was really down after having an argument with my mom. After quarreling, I called him. He said he wanted to come over. My parents were home and all, he'd have to sneak in. Not knowing what to do, I said yes. That night, he came, comforted me, and stayed with me.
Many other nights like that came again, but all were behind our parents back and siblings and almost everyone. The time we spent together indeed was precious, but there also was a guilt feeling of hiding behind everyone. If they found out, it would hurt them real bad. Obviously there were also nights/mornings where we almost got exposed, but we eventually solved them. But only until his parents found out, disaster struck. The trust he gained from them these 18 years totally just dropped into a deep hole in a couple of seconds. Not to even mention their relationship. We managed to keep this up for a little longer, but not too long. My parents went on a trip to LA exactly the week where we had spring break, but that was also the time he got grounded from going out. Yah, I felt bad, he didn't deserve this. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have done that. The consequence of it was that HE had to stay home in watch of his parents. Come on, he's 18 now. You can't patch up 18 years of trust in a little bit of time, yet you can lose that trust in a matter of seconds. What made him lose their trust was me. What I'm going through now, is probably what I deserve anyways. It was also that month that his phone bill shot up, but that was only because there was one night where I had to pull an all nighter doing homework, and he accompanied me through the phone. What a bad idea, I should've helped him.
A few weeks later.....
Over the phone, we talked about separation. He said he didn't wanna hurt me. He said he didn't know what to do. He said things turned bad and that maybe it was time. By the end of the phone call, he claimed that we had broken up, but I didn't know. From then on, I felt like he ignored me everywhere whether it was msn, facebook, or even face to face at school. He used to go to orchestra 10 minutes early, and he stopped doing that. I asked him why, and he said that he was having a volleyball tournament in his P.E class and his gym teacher went overtime. I took that explanation at that time, but now, I ask myself, "was that just an excuse?" Things slowly got worse and worse, until I told him online that our relationship got even worse after the phonecall. From there, my heart sunk. His answer was, "No, we're still friends though!" I totally didn't expect it coming. I didn't know that everything had already changed from the call. I had to adapt to it imediately without any second thought about it (I'm not saying that I DID adapt to it, it's just that I had to). How he made me feel ignored didn't help me at all. I remembered that phrase, "I don't wanna hurt you." The fact was that, it was hurting me. I don't know if he realized it, but he was.
By that time, I felt like he didn't even try to fight for me against his parents. He never told me a thing anymore. As in, how things went with his parents, or what's been happening. He just said things were bad. I really wanted to tell him that I felt like we didn't try hard enough, and that we let go too easily. He said he still loved me, yet he didn't show it. I wanted to tell him, but I didn't wanna add stress to him. It's his senior year, and there's already loads of stress on top of him. So, I didn't say anything to him.
When he said we were just friends, I told my friend to check it out. She came back saying, "yes, he says you guys are no longer. I told him to confirm it with you because you weren't sure, and he will."
Nothing happened until a few days later, no movement, no nothing. I saw no change in anything Everything went as is. Until that one night on msn. I sent him a message, and he didn't reply so I sent him another one saying, "Oh, you're never online to talk to me anymore huh." He still didn't reply, and it was time for me to get off, so I sent another one saying, "Ok, well. I have to go now. Don't tire yourself out, sleep early. I love you." (I hadn't said I love you in a while, just cause I realized he stopped saying it to me. I was always the one saying it. But for some reason, it just came out of my fingers that night.) After I signed off, he gave a reply saying, "are you here? I think you got something wrong." At that time, I KNEW that he was gunna say something like, yeah. We're already done. After that phonecall, I claimed that we were done. Since I was already offline, I had a choice of either saying, "yes, i'm here." or just not say anything cause I didn't want it to happen. I don't know why, but I answered, and it was there where the hurt all started again. I don't wanna post the details of the conversation here, but feel free to ask me. He knows what he said to me.
I think it was during this time. I'm not sure though, I might be wrong. It might have been before the msn conversation. Someone asked him to Spring Tolo one day, and a day or two later, he asked someone to Prom. He never told me about either and I found out through photos on facebook. I wish he told me, up to now, he hasn't told me. It's almost over..yes, I know. He said he found me as a friend. After this moment I didn't think so. He didn't even look at me as a friend or he would have told me. Prom is this weekend. It's three days after my birthday. Yes, I'll survive...somehow
Now, he never talks to me. I don't know why our relationship has ended up like this. There are so many times where I miss him, but I still can't do anything. I get flash backs, and everything. I feel like I can let go right now. Everything's all in my head and it won't come out. I just can't stop thinking. I miss the times where we were together, but now I know almost for sure that it'll never happen again. There's no chance.....right?
Looking back to all these things, I feel like I've wronged him so much. I feel like I'm totally at fault. I know why he did this. I understand...I totally do. I know it must've been hard for him too, and I shouldn't add on.
So from the beginning, it was a slow process. First, we made each other into siblings. Yes, he's three years older than me, but what does age matter? All my friends say it's a big gap, but....does it matter that much if you love him? Honestly, I don't know/remember when I started liking him. I met him at Praise night on December 7th by playing human bingo. Although I didn't 'know' him, I met him at school again. There, we officially met. I still remember that day very clearly. He was going to play his senior solo that night for orchestra. It all started when I went up to him and asked, "Were you at SCAC (my church) Praise Night?" He answered with a yes. At that moment, I didn't know that anything would happen. As time went on, I would see him everywhere. It's like I could find him no matter where he was. Eventually, we mutually bonded.
During those times, I was happy. I had someone I could count on. I had someone I could go to. When something went bad, he would be the first one I would think of.
One Sunday night, he had an orchestra concert to go to. I really wanted to attend it, but my mom being her, did not let me. His concert ended at around 7, and at that time, my parents were at Bally working out. Wanting to see him that badly, I asked if he could come over for a while since my parents were gone for a little bit. By the time he arrived, it was 8. My brother, not knowing that he would come over asked me, "Did you know that Bally closes at 8? You better call them." So I listened, and called them. As my parents picked up, they pulled into the driveway, and this was not even five minutes after he came in. We rushed him downstairs, and made him leave through the back door. After the incident, you wouldn't know how bad I felt. Although he lived 10 minutes walking distance away, it was night, and he basically came over for nothing. Now, he had to walk home after seeing me for only five minutes. There was nothing I could do, but feel bad. I totally didn't know what to do. But he's a nice guy, he didn't mind. (At least he said so) Whenever I said I felt bad about that incident, he'd say, "Well, I got to see you for five minutes, and that's worth the walk already." He knew what to say to me every time. He comforted me when I was in a bad mood.
During that time, I had problems with my relationship with my mom, and even now, we're going through a lot. There was a time when I was really down after having an argument with my mom. After quarreling, I called him. He said he wanted to come over. My parents were home and all, he'd have to sneak in. Not knowing what to do, I said yes. That night, he came, comforted me, and stayed with me.
Many other nights like that came again, but all were behind our parents back and siblings and almost everyone. The time we spent together indeed was precious, but there also was a guilt feeling of hiding behind everyone. If they found out, it would hurt them real bad. Obviously there were also nights/mornings where we almost got exposed, but we eventually solved them. But only until his parents found out, disaster struck. The trust he gained from them these 18 years totally just dropped into a deep hole in a couple of seconds. Not to even mention their relationship. We managed to keep this up for a little longer, but not too long. My parents went on a trip to LA exactly the week where we had spring break, but that was also the time he got grounded from going out. Yah, I felt bad, he didn't deserve this. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have done that. The consequence of it was that HE had to stay home in watch of his parents. Come on, he's 18 now. You can't patch up 18 years of trust in a little bit of time, yet you can lose that trust in a matter of seconds. What made him lose their trust was me. What I'm going through now, is probably what I deserve anyways. It was also that month that his phone bill shot up, but that was only because there was one night where I had to pull an all nighter doing homework, and he accompanied me through the phone. What a bad idea, I should've helped him.
A few weeks later.....
Over the phone, we talked about separation. He said he didn't wanna hurt me. He said he didn't know what to do. He said things turned bad and that maybe it was time. By the end of the phone call, he claimed that we had broken up, but I didn't know. From then on, I felt like he ignored me everywhere whether it was msn, facebook, or even face to face at school. He used to go to orchestra 10 minutes early, and he stopped doing that. I asked him why, and he said that he was having a volleyball tournament in his P.E class and his gym teacher went overtime. I took that explanation at that time, but now, I ask myself, "was that just an excuse?" Things slowly got worse and worse, until I told him online that our relationship got even worse after the phonecall. From there, my heart sunk. His answer was, "No, we're still friends though!" I totally didn't expect it coming. I didn't know that everything had already changed from the call. I had to adapt to it imediately without any second thought about it (I'm not saying that I DID adapt to it, it's just that I had to). How he made me feel ignored didn't help me at all. I remembered that phrase, "I don't wanna hurt you." The fact was that, it was hurting me. I don't know if he realized it, but he was.
By that time, I felt like he didn't even try to fight for me against his parents. He never told me a thing anymore. As in, how things went with his parents, or what's been happening. He just said things were bad. I really wanted to tell him that I felt like we didn't try hard enough, and that we let go too easily. He said he still loved me, yet he didn't show it. I wanted to tell him, but I didn't wanna add stress to him. It's his senior year, and there's already loads of stress on top of him. So, I didn't say anything to him.
When he said we were just friends, I told my friend to check it out. She came back saying, "yes, he says you guys are no longer. I told him to confirm it with you because you weren't sure, and he will."
Nothing happened until a few days later, no movement, no nothing. I saw no change in anything Everything went as is. Until that one night on msn. I sent him a message, and he didn't reply so I sent him another one saying, "Oh, you're never online to talk to me anymore huh." He still didn't reply, and it was time for me to get off, so I sent another one saying, "Ok, well. I have to go now. Don't tire yourself out, sleep early. I love you." (I hadn't said I love you in a while, just cause I realized he stopped saying it to me. I was always the one saying it. But for some reason, it just came out of my fingers that night.) After I signed off, he gave a reply saying, "are you here? I think you got something wrong." At that time, I KNEW that he was gunna say something like, yeah. We're already done. After that phonecall, I claimed that we were done. Since I was already offline, I had a choice of either saying, "yes, i'm here." or just not say anything cause I didn't want it to happen. I don't know why, but I answered, and it was there where the hurt all started again. I don't wanna post the details of the conversation here, but feel free to ask me. He knows what he said to me.
I think it was during this time. I'm not sure though, I might be wrong. It might have been before the msn conversation. Someone asked him to Spring Tolo one day, and a day or two later, he asked someone to Prom. He never told me about either and I found out through photos on facebook. I wish he told me, up to now, he hasn't told me. It's almost over..yes, I know. He said he found me as a friend. After this moment I didn't think so. He didn't even look at me as a friend or he would have told me. Prom is this weekend. It's three days after my birthday. Yes, I'll survive...somehow
Now, he never talks to me. I don't know why our relationship has ended up like this. There are so many times where I miss him, but I still can't do anything. I get flash backs, and everything. I feel like I can let go right now. Everything's all in my head and it won't come out. I just can't stop thinking. I miss the times where we were together, but now I know almost for sure that it'll never happen again. There's no chance.....right?
Looking back to all these things, I feel like I've wronged him so much. I feel like I'm totally at fault. I know why he did this. I understand...I totally do. I know it must've been hard for him too, and I shouldn't add on.
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