Useless

So much confusion is over there at home. Apparently, there's so much hurt and emotion. I don't wanna be at home..I don't. I wanna run away. I want to go somewhere far where my friends are there so I could rant.

I don't get why she won't let me go. It's Cindy's last day here in Seattle for the summer, and she's not letting me go. I'm trying to fix my attitude, but I can't when she gives me hers. I don't know if it's cause she doesn't understand me, or if she just wants to keep me away from everyone? She makes me mad, she makes me cry. She makes me not wanna be at home. When I ask why my brother and sister can go out, she asks back, "Are you them?" I said no, but I need a social life too. I need what they have..they're allowed to go out and all that."

Everything she says she ends it with the sentence, "Where's your obedience??" What the heck. Almost every time I ask her if I can go out, the end result is that I stay home, and do NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. And she makes the excuse of us having to clean the house, talk, etc. And she tells me that she doesn't wanna keep me at home..she wants me to have fun with my friends. uh huh, yeah RIGHT. I don't believe her at ALL. Goodness, I wanna be outta here, but I can't just run away.. Where can I go? I wish I had a friend near me where I can just spend a night or two over there. But, I don't.

Why is my brother just like her? Why does he come in the room yelling at me? Why does he give me stares? Why is it that the only sentence he can say is, "Can't you be more responsible??? of your life?" Everyone goes, yeah! He cares for you so much.. But sometimes, I just can't see through those tear-stained eyes.

There are so many things that he does "for me" that I really dislike. I wish he wouldn't do that. Is he really just looking out for me? ....whatever

I'm going out on a walk. I'm going out on a walk. A walk to the north end. A walk to her house. I don't wanna be home. I wanna be at Edwina's. I don't wanna deal with everything right now. My life is so useless..

Take a Walk

Although it's so dark out, it's still so refreshing to go out for a walk. When you've been inside all day and you still have nothing to do by the end of the day.

Just like today. So much has been on my mind since the moment I woke up to now. Nothing to do. I hardly did anything. At last, I went out for a walk.

I met Emily and Jason while walking past their house and they joined me in for the walk. We walked to South end QFC and it was amazing. In the end, I stayed up there for a while. After they left, I started trudging down again towards my house...Ahh, the house.

Slowly, I walked down..not really knowing which path I took, but only knowing that it leads to home. Yes, I ended up walking right in front of his house. Was it intentional? Maybe. I'm not sure of it myself. Knowing that he wasn't home for the weekend, yeah...it probably was. After standing there just staring and wondering what I should do, I ran off with my little legs..

Getting home was another drag. I soo didn't wanna be there. I was late for New Life..and I wasn't happy. Nothing's been going on right, and I don't know how to fix it. Why am I the only one who can't get outta the house? I'm always stuck here with my emotional mom. I don't know how to deal with her. I'm trying hard to fix myself, but she's not helping me at all.

That week, when I had my science final, I didn't study well. I panicked while lunch and she was there. My dad was there too. I was trying to memorize all the human anatomy..But I couldn't. I was too scared. What made me even worse was my mom. She would stand on the side saying, "Why even bother studying now? You're gunna fail anyways. You could've studied before...and why didn't you? Ohhh, you're going to fail." Why wasn't there even ONE stupid encouraging word there? When dad was helping me pack my bag so I could keep studying, she went, "oh, you even help her pack her bag now?" She made me mad...Very.

At Seattle Youth Symphony Orchestra (SYSO) concerts, she would say, "Heather, would you feel like you don't play your best when dad and I aren't here? Does it make a difference when we're here?" It sounds like she cares so much. But when it comes to other things. Oh man.

There are reasons. There definitely are. I may not understand....but the only thing that's on my mind right now, is...I don't wanna be home..

Trickle Trickle...Splash

A story about last night.

It was raining, and it was dark. I wanted to go out for a walk. I sat on my upper bunk watching as the computer screen throbbed. Music ran through my ears and my brain went, "What's wrong with you heather?"

Blocked from the outside world. I sat next to my window for just around 5 minutes to see a small figure on four legs walk past. Freaked out, I stared at it. It turned out to be a cat in the end. From that incident, I no longer had the mindset of, "I'm going to go out for a walk." But instead, it was: "I wanna go out for a walk, but I'm too scared to." I shouldn't have been scared. I knew that God was with me. Being scared like that just showed how much I trusted him to keep me safe.

Roaming inside feelings. My eyes were fixed onto the toolbar on my computer screen waiting for a certain window to flash. Unfortunately, it never happened. "click click click click click" my mouse went. All the windows were the same. I've clicked them a million times already. I just can't manage to get off and fall asleep until I get a reply. (or, he signs off that is.) My heart throbbed as I lay in bed. Dripping raindrops from outside were heard from where I was sitting. Occasionally a sudden sound would make me jerk my head up to look out the window just to see that nothing was waiting for me there anymore. Oh yes, I longed for a moment. Just. A. Moment. But it would never happen....or so I think/thought.

4:30am. My eyes flickered.....and all went dark.

11:30am. It was still raining and nothing had moved. Again, I was in front of the computer listening to its engine buzz. When I got on, he was already online. One hour passed, then two....no reply. And now, he's probably off to camp.

Wanting to tell. I really wanna tell him something. Something that's not worth telling him online or through the phone. I wanna tell him before I tell some of my other friends, but I don't know how. It seems like we'll never meet again. Just gotta wait for the right time Heather....just gotta wait.

Hidden from the World

Today was full of...nothing. Such a random day. I had testing from 9 to 11:30am and then came home. Mom and I hardly talked today. When we arrived home, I basically locked myself in my room with my sister's computer. I didn't really do anything. I played just about 30 minutes of my violin.

Mom left the house at around 3pm till 8pm or so. I ended up taking a nap from 8ish to 10 30pm. At that time, I really wanted to just sleep everything off. I didn't like what was going on. I wanted to forget everything that was happening in my life. *sigh, isn't what what everyone wants to do when things go bad?

Today, I really wanted to tell him something in person but he never gave me the chance to even see him.

Why is everything going wrong in my life? I bet there's going to be a good ending though. God always does things for a reason right? Just gotta be patient....the thing I'm worst at.

Personally, today was a really bad day for me. I wanted to take a walk outside, but I had no where to go. I felt like I had no friends to go to. No one was there for me to turn to. I had no other shoulder to express my feelings on.

I felt so useless today. Just hanging in my room doing nothing. Not even talking to anyone online. Tomorrow's going to be another lonely day. Everyone's leaving. You know, I was actually thinking...since he'll be gone this weekend, there's not even a point in me getting online. But then again, why????

Crazy Taxi Driver

I'm such a crazy taxi driver. I don't know where I'm leading my own life towards. I feel like I've yet to put God into my driver seat. For now, I think I'm still occupying it. I've heard from everywhere, "It's not right heather, don't.."

Am I leading myself down the wrong path? What am I going to do for my future life? Just continue like this?

Mom isn't at home right now. I don't know where she went. Dad just flew to Boston, my brother is...at school?, and my sister is at work. I really wanna get out of the house. I asked him if he would meet up with me today, also cause I wanted to tell him something..but he said something else. Hm...that kinda made me mad, but whatevers..I can't really get mad at him for that. I still really want to go out though. I need to tell him something asap. Other than today, I wonder when I can say it. I don't wanna do it on facebook, msn, or even on the phone. Nor would I tell my other friends about it through the computer or phone. I really wanna tell everyone in person.

He's not talking to me right now, but he's online. I don't really know if he's gone from the computer, or just ignoring me.

What have I driven myself into these days? I think I've driven myself into a corner. Not just to a corner, but into a corner. I can't really move right now and I feel really stressed about all the situations happening. I wish I could take a break, but I don't think I can...at least just yet.

Good thing tears haven't started flowing yet. I'm just thinking to myself, maybe I can turn myself around just before they start. Trust me, walls aren't very fun to be driven into.

All my friends are leaving this weekend to somewhere. I wish I could go with them. I wish I could just run away from everything. All the messes that I've created, all the troubles, and all the hurt.

Thinking back, why didn't I let God drive me? I don't think I even tried. What is it like to be driven by God? I know that he never loses his way.

Am I really driving through the smooth roads? 'cause when God drives, I know that although the roads may be bumpy and ugly, he still drives right over them. But even though he drives over them, they're always the right path.

*sigh*, I'm such a Crazy Taxi Driver

Once again, another problem has risen. Just about the same as all the other ones. Yesterday, I gave my mom a fit about not getting to orchestra in time for the last few minutes of class. Looking back to that, it really wasn't more important than my attitude. I wish I acted more calm.

How can I fix my stupid, old habits? Maybe it IS all my fault that my attitude isn't pleasing to the Lord. Gotta change, really do. To anyone who's reading this, pray for me please? Much appreciated.

Daddy says mom's going a phase. I guess I just need to work harder and be more careful in what I say to her now. Everything's going up one more step. I still don't know how I'm going to cope with this through my sophmore year. I hope it's going to be alright.

Right now, she's sitting on the floor of her own room. She isn't really caring about what I do. Sometimes it's just so frustrating to talk to her or get her to talk. I know that I've done many wrong things towards her, but I wish she didn't get angry so easily.

Before, I was only excited for going to BC my junior year, but now, I'm just stressed about the upcoming year. How am I going to live past it? crap....

*sigh* Surroundings and Memories

A window flashes on my toolbar as I sit at the computer with my hands flying all over the keyboard. Flames of shock and excitement yet fear washes over me. Inching the mouse towards the flashing window, I quickly remove my hand to think, "will this disappoint me?" After what seems like ages, I click onto the window to see that.."yes! It really is him!"

Many times, I've disappointed myself whether it's the way I act or think. I can't deny that I've sat at the computer for over five hours waiting to see if any flashing window from him would appear. 我也不能否认的事实，我还是喜欢他。

As I sit at the dinner table and look up the hill from the window, I can't help but to wonder if he'll ever walk that same path again to find me.

Sometimes, I have so much to say, but I don't know how it'll go through, so I never say it. Every time when the conversation ends, he says, "take care". I've always been wondering, does he have to say that? Whenever he says that, it feels like we'll never talk again. *sigh, feelings deceive. ;)

Another Departure :[

Again, sadness overwhelms me to see one of my favorite Coaches leave. When I received his email about leaving MIHS, I felt my heart sink to the depths. Although I heard about him leaving after the year of '09, I hoped with all my heart that he wouldn't leave us.

I've only been with Coach Jeff Lowell for one year while my sister has been with him for all 4 years (I think) of her high school. It occurs to me that I've known Coach Jeff for so long, but that might be because he coached my sister in swimming too.

Although I have only been with him for a year, I want to thank him for all that he's done. During this past swim season, I've learned and experienced a lot and now I'm sad that he's leaving already.

Here, I want to make my thanks to him public.

Dear Coach Jeff,

You have given me many memories from swimming in MI for my first year. When I appeared for swim team, I admired how much you wished for each swimmer to be doing their best. Taking their own talent and giving their all. From when my sister was in MI Swim & Dive, I've admired you. I admire the way you touch on every little detail of a swimmer (even when there's over 50 swimmers). I really don't know how you do that. You are such an amazing Coach. You also taught each swimmer the value of life, and how to give it your all. Not only did you teach each and every swimmer how to swim, but you also added on to their life. You taught us how to live life to the fullest. I have learned so much from you in such little time. Thank you so much for your time and efforts in Mercer Island High School. I feel so blessed to know a coach like you.

Although we're all sad to see you go, I know that this may be for the best. I hope to keep in touch. We will all miss you Jeff.

Love you!!!
~Heather

P.S. I've attached a picture of me diving into Lake Washington the Sunday before my birthday of this year. My friend took it. After showing me the taken picture, I smiled and thought to myself, "This is what I've learned from the MI Swim Coach, Jeff Lowell." I've always thought my dive was ugly until I came across this picture. I've never worked on my dive more than what I have done with the MI Girls Swim Team. Thanks so much for working with me on every little detail with me. I seriously cannot thank you enough.

Is wondering

Why do you always change the subject on me whenever I talk about "us"? Do you think I never realize that?

Never letting go

To be honest, this is my very first year feeling so down about the precious seniors leaving. I've made so many incredible senior friends whether it's at Chuch, Legacy, MIHS, or anywhere else. I've never felt the longing for them to stay at the end of each year. The feeling's so precious.

I've really never felt the sadness of them leaving. Is it because this year was one of my prime times in life? Maybe. I've done so much this year. From good to bad. I've created so much drama. I've probably caused friends to be hurt too. This year has left many many memories for me to ponder on. I think that my freshman year is the most eventful year I've ever had.

Knowing that these seniors are going to lead a whole new life down their own road, I'm proud of them. They've made it through elementary, middle, and now high school. Although I'm three years apart from the seniors, I've had many memories with them in such a short time. I hope I never forget them.

I haven't had much interaction with any seniors, but with the ones I have, to tell you the truth, I'm really sad that you're leaving. When I hear the word university, college, or leave, it gives me a whole new shock. *sigh, how will life be without seeing you guys? :'(

But afterall, I know that the step you guys are taking is one of the biggest steps you're taking in you're academic career. I hope for the best for you guys. I hope that you'll survive in the real world. =) The class of '09 is the best. Go, and continue you're journey. Let God lead you in the way he wants you to go. I love you all. <3