Night Of Hope

So I just want to start with something I wrote June of 2010 when I was somewhat in the depths of life.

Where do those pleas go?
Where do my cries go?
When will I be free?
Free of sorrow and sadness,
free of those sinful charges?
What is a family?
What is a life of peace?

I walk through the valley blindfolded.
My cries. My pleas. Does anybody hear them?
Everyday I walk through this darkness.
Am I alone? No. He is here. I believe it.
It's Something that will never leave.
Faith, Hope, Trust, these things I have.
Over the hills I travel, over the mountains I tremble
looking for that person.
Nothing will stop me from reaching my destination.
Through sorrow and despair, Something guides me.
People around me talk
comfort? It's there. Helping me overcome.
I heard the voice, I heard it call to me
but when I ran, I fell. Not into a hole,
not into the ditch, but into quicksand.
Into something I couldn't face alone.
Curse his clutches, he will NEVER get away,
but here I am, stuck in his clutches,
Everyday those struggles sink me deeper.
Everyday I think I'll get out, but another problem arises.
I've sunk as far as I can.
Time runs out, breath runs out.
What will I be of then?
But I believe Something will pull me out.
At my very last Hope. I trust that Something will.

What do teenagers worry about the most? School? Friends? Family? "All the normal stuff" As we'd say. But really, what goes on in our minds?

First before anything, I want to give a small background of myself first. I'm born in a christian family in toronto. I moved here when I was in 1st grade, and have been at SCAC since then. When I came here to seattle, my parents decided to homeschool me and of course, I didn't know what they were doing with me...I was just a kid, so I followed along. Sooner or later, I was getting comments and questions from the rest of my non homeschooled friends about what it was like being homeschooled. If I was really actually segregated from everyone. Isolation. That's probably one of my worst fears. I hate not being in touch with other people. I just can't stand it. Now, I go to Bellevue College. I'm a junior in Highschool doing running start.

Moving on...Hope. I'm a person who doesn't like hoping for something that I can't have. I find that there's no point in doing something when I can't even have it in the end. (Which probably isn't a good thing.) It's part of how I protect myself from breaking my own heart or hurting myself somehow.

Everyone has such busy life! Sometimes it's no time for friends, no time for breakfast, no time for facebook, and no time for God. The day goes by as we think we're living our lives fully. Parents ask how your day went, and you can't answer them but say it's been alright. Because the fact is that, it's not alright. Your relationship with God has gone downhill, you're loaded with homework at school or even work at your job. (work) The econ's going down and you're worried that you'll lose your job. (school) The teachers are scary, and if you don't turn in your homework on time, they deduct 50% from it and you get an F-.

You never know what tomorrow brings you. Whether it's losing your job or having to not sleep for your homework. But it says:

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Everyday has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34

A lot of people have asked me the question: "Are you happy with your life?" Or at least my mother has.

Sometimes my answer is: not particularly. A year ago, I got into verbal fights with my mother 24/7. It's probably because we were always together. I felt like there was no way out. I was trapped. Homeschooled, with nothing. God was above my head. Sunday school was a routine. My life was just...not good. I did not know what to do, and I never went to God about my problems unless they got really really bad. I didn't believe there was any hope that my life and my relationship with my mom would get any better. It had been like that for the longest time I can remember. However, tables turned when she started working after not working for about 20some years. She realized what it was like to be out there in the world. She calmed down, we spent time apart, and arguements were less. Then came the phase where I didn't get much done, and she became stressed with work, and our mouths just blew up. I learned how to pray and learned that I should go to my friend when I'm lonely, when I need someone to talk to, and just..randomly. It was hard to transition to letting Him know of my troubles just because He's not a physical body. He's someone to have faith in. Faith that he was listening and little by little helping me.

The verse that helped me through the anger and tears was in Proverbs 15:1
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

What really turned my life around was September of 2010 -when I started going to BC instead of being homeschooled. I rarely came home early and I always did homework at school and hung out there. Now, it's been about half a year. My relationship with my mother is getting better. I still need to learn how to share more with her, but I realized that God has really blessed me with my life. At all times, he's been leading me towards the right path. From first grade when my parents started homeschooling till the day I stepped into the society and He's still guiding me. After knowing all this, it's my turn to believe it.

But even with that said, I'm a junior and I don't know what I'm going to do, and I don't know what to hope for. Often I still feel like there's no hope for me in the future. There's a burden on my shoulders that never go away. Everyday my parents ask me about SAT's, and lecture me on my life..and what I'm going to do about it. I feel like they're asking too much of me. I'm not as smart as they think I can be. Even though I have those thoughts, I have to know that God is there for me and everyone here. No matter if you're going through struggles with your school, family, friendships, or relationships.

I learned that hope was something that you needed, but had to be careful of. Why is it that you hope for what you hope for? Are the reasons you hope for it right? There were many things that helped me build into that hope. I'm sure that there were times that God was helping build that confidence even when I did not realize it. Even when I was 12 -My first missions trip in HK. I had no idea what I was up to, but I still went. It was very sudden. No preparation, I just went. And when I got there, the leader made me a teacher. The confidence from that adds to the character that I am now. The support from the friends that I made that the first Capture/d/ retreat in 2009 helped me stay strong in my walk with Him. Small tiny details. One on one talks with my friends at school or at church helped me create a new hope for myself, my present, and my future.

I figured that if I paved my path from the outside, it would be easier to know if I were going on the right path or not. It's like playing chinese checkers. The one with the big star?? and where you try to get all the way across the board by jumping over other people's pieces? My parents always gave me a technique. To look for a spot where I want to land, and trace it back to one of my pieces. That way, I won't just pick one of my pieces and say, "Oh, well...lets just see where this leads to." I needed to have a goal in my life. I needed to have hope in what God was/is planning for me. And from there, I live my life full of faith that I'm going the right way. And of course, by that, I'm not saying that I'm perfect right now, because I'm not. No one is. But I'm different from some people now, because I've paved my path and I know that the ending that I want is my goal in life.

Matt 6:21 says:

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

"Greater things are yet to be done, greater things are still to be done in this city"