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Nope. I'm not ok. This past week has been such a drag. BC apps...Classes, parents.
"You have a meeting today? Alright"
*goes to the meeting*
(the next day)
"Nope. I'm not registering you into BC. You're not ready. Spend another year in 10th grade."
So much on and off it's making my head dizzy. It's making me spin. It's makes me think that I really really do want everything to end. I just want to live peacefully without any yelling. I want to live comfortably. But apparently, life isn't like that. Life isn't as good as you wish it could be. And it's not even if you're lucky that things would go your way.
Parents parents parents. ohh, what should I do. Am I really the one in control of what I want to do? No...doesn't feel like it. They get to decide on whether or not I get to go into the RS program or not. One day they say yes, then the next, they throw a tantrum and say no...and that's NO. --with a period/end of discussion at the end of it.
Now tell me: what should I do with my life then?
I feel like if I take another year of homeschooling next year, I'll be in ruins. I wish..they would just let me figure out everything alone. I wish they would let me deal with what I want....because it's my life that I'm living..not theirs. Sure, they do have a say in everything I do, they do have a say in letting me to go BC, but....why do they have to make the final decision FOR me?
Let go of me and let me do and strive for what I want. Let me try living my life. If I can't get these things straight, I blame myself. I won't blame you. So let me deal with what I want. Please?You've taught me enough.
Have you ever had the feeling that your parents were holding you back? The feeling or the fact that they want to keep you forever and not let you go? Being the youngest, I think I get the most of that. They keep saying that they want the best for me. They keep saying that they don't want to keep me locked in. Really? Does that work?
I wanna be let go of. I wanna explore. But they think I'm not ready. Not ready to face the world. So when will I be? When do they think I'll be able to stand my ground and face those who stand in my way? They say I'm not mature enough, but the thing is, I don't think that I'll ever be mature enough to face so much. If I'm not let out now, when will I learn? How will I learn? I can't learn when everything in my life is good as can be. It won't do me anything when nothing bad comes my way.
They want me to talk to them about what I face in daily life. But really, I don't face anything. Nothing bad has come my way yet. Nothing that I need help with has hit me in the face. And I'm sure that if they don't let me go, I won't have anything to talk to them about for another year.
There are just some things that I have to learn on my own. Sometimes they just have to learn to let go of me. If I need help, I'll surely come back -which is very very very likely. If I'm not mature enough, I'll definitely come back to them. Nothing will shake me. And that's what I'm hoping. Though I doubt it will be true because I'm not a person who can influence people well. In turn, they're the ones who influence me. But now I stand my ground and say: everything I believe in and everything others say to me, nothing will shake me to fall to the ground.
They...just have to let me go first.
So I recently started taking voice lessons. Actually, like really recently.. But anyways, got a new song today! Not really sure who it's by though. It doesn't say =/ Lyrics? haha, here:
Even Now
Even now, I remember all the empty spaces you filled with love.
Even now ev'ry corner of the world we shared is still filled with love.
Even now not a day goes by when I don't ache for you.
Through my tears, I still hear your laughter even now.
Stars will shine when they're gone.
Hearts that break will still beat on.
Letting go's the hardest thing to do 'cause all those feelings start, and time can't change my heart.
It all leads back to you.
Even now, you are in my dreams, and in my dreams you always will be.
Even now, you're the one true thing that brings my heart back home here to me.
When I'm scared I can close my eyes.
You are there, ever young.
And somehow I can always find you even now.
From all memories kept inside, to all the dreams we knew, the rush of you will always be part of me.
Even now you are in my dreams and in my dreams you always will be.
Even now you're the one true thing that brings my heart back home here to me.
Even now in my darkest night, still you shine silver light.
So I fall through forever with you even now.
So this past week I've been so occupied with this and that that I feel like I have no more time to think. Now that it's been a week and a half, everything's beginning to just bundle up in my head. It makes me stressed to think about so many things at once. With everything flying at me, and with all the answers hidden, what am I supposed to do? Where can I find those hidden answers? I don't have the time to search for the little Easter egg that contains all the answers.
I haven't been writing much lately. Nothing's been really put onto my mind. Nothing special has been placed in my heart. At least just yet. I'm not gonna lie..I've been procrastinating on everything lately. You name it. You'd probably be right. Sometimes, I wish I could just make things up. I wish that my life was a dream. You never die in dreams, but in reality, you can die. Many times--obviously not literally.
Just a few days ago, I made my mother mad. Yeah, it was mothers day. No... actually, it started on Saturday. I was supposed to do Kelley's hair for her recital that day and then finish up some homework so that I could go watch Iron Man 2. Nope. Didn't work. In the car, I made my mother mad. I just wasn't in a good mood, but in all cases, I wanted to get out. She started going off about an essay that was supposedly due this Thursday. She had told me that I was to finish it this weekend--and knowing me, I procrastinated...and also thought that she meant Sunday. Everything turned wrong in an instant. It's surprising how fast the light of rage could just start to flicker. Doesn't take much apparently. Especially when it's me who makes her mad.
So long story short, she didn't let me go. Or in other words, I didn't get my way. We ended up in a huge fight and half of mothers day was basically ruined. I didn't go to church that morning. I had to teach/sub, but I ended up asking someone else to do it for me. Oh yeah. I felt so bad about that. I still do. Getting asked to sub for someone and saying yes, but in the end asking another person to sub? I felt bad. It's alright though, everything's over with and it worked out.
In the end, we went out for dinner--the whole family-- and then went home to watch a movie after eating the cheesecake that I bought my mother. We didn't talk about the incident after that.
I've got to mend my ways. Everything I do is always so badly thought out. Some things that I knew would happen before hand..but I still do it. It bothers me so much. This character inside my body. It controls me and I want to change it. I WANT to change. Into a new person perhaps? I want to mend my ways. It's always so frustrating when everything doesn't go my way. But I guess life isn't about me. Nothing revolves around me. It's just..me and well, others.
*sigh* so much to do and yet I'm still online. Homework due tomorrow that I haven't finished, and yet I'm still online....ahh, I better go.
So....whatever I was afraid of before May 1st, I'm not anymore....BECAUSE I PASSED THE BC TEST! Although, I am a little afraid of the future.. It's been a tough 10 years and now it seems like I'm finally moving on. On to something new. To me, it seems kinda absurd, but in reality, I'm kinda following a lot of people around me.
So it's my new chance to go out and prove myself to be who I really am. To also prove myself to be a strong christian. I need to finally learn how to stand my ground when I'm around people out there. The times when I feel lonely, the times when I feel separated, I know that I have Him.
So here comes another process of life. A change. A new opportunity to be challenged.
So tomorrow's the big studying day. I'm quite nervous for Saturday.. Which is the BC entrance test. I'm sure I'll do fine...but I'd really really really feel stupid if I didn't make it in. It's all so fuzzy. My future. What I want to do. But I know this. I wanna get out. I want to go somewhere where it's quite and just focus on my surrounding. I don't wanna be so stressed. I want to just let it all out. Live my life happily like everything is fine. Unfortunately, life is hard. Life isn't just full of pleasure. Oh, yes. we wish it were.
I'm already feeling a bit stressed about a small test on Saturday. Now tell me how I'm going to get through this again? Tell me how I'm going to do it with this kinda mood.... *sigh.
So here it goes to another day! Last week I got lazy off of math and had to do one weeks worth of it in one night. I don't think I slept till 4am. =[ It's alright though. I got 4 hours of sleeeep. Ahhh..sleep. Sounds so good. But here's to a new day with a bunch of new homework. And also to a new WEEK. Lets do this!
ahh, so tired.
I'm soo excited to read everyone's stories on Wed! Hopefully we'll get to share. :] ...just not mine =x
After a LONG night of MATH homework..I'm finally off to sleep (:
Ahhh. Sleep. It has never felt better. <3
Treasure it. Whenever you have it.
So before I passed my book along, I was reading Crazy Love. It's a great book. Something struck me while I was reading it.
It said that if you love someone, they would always be on your mind. That's great. It's so true too. I believe that if you truly love someone, they'd be on your mind no matter what. So why is God so rarely on my mind? Do I really "not love him"? So many things in this world are always on my mind..Food, homework, family, friends, etc. But I find that the only thing I'm missing is the word "God". My relationship with Him. It's not going anywhere! Communication..Prayers...
It has definitely been on my mind. The question of "Do I really love God the way I sing that I do?" Am I just saying things? Am I being a hypocrite right now? Often in worship the leader says, "I want you guys to sing what you REALLY mean." But I do think that we sing those words just because they're up on the projector. What if we made our own words to the song? Would they be the same? Probably not. Of course I wouldn't want to admit that I don't love God by not singing the song. If I made up a song. It'd probably end up being.
"Lord I love you
but I don't know how to show you.
Lord I love you
but you're not constantly on my mind
Lord I love you
but I need to see you
Lord I love you
but I don't think I know what love means"
Ok, so it's not that case that I don't love God. I really do. I guess I just have to think of Him more. He needs to be constantly on my mind instead of so many other things. It's true that faith plays a big part in this. The people you love..yes, you can see them. God, nope. You can't see him. It takes a huge amount of faith to even know that He's there. I've heard this question before: "What if God ISN'T real? What if you find out later that He's not real. That you just made a fool out of yourself singing and jumping like that?" Then I heard an answer: "I don't mind. I rather make myself look stupid than be wrong like you later." Yeah, that would be my answer too. I rather make myself look like a fool dancing and jumping for God than not believing in Him and then being thrown into the pits of Hades later just to be tortured.
People say that God is their First Love. They tell you to think of him as your First Love. Because when you think of Him as your first love, you give everything to Him. He's always the first in your thoughts. He's always the first in everything you do. So what should I do when He's rarely on my mind? Does it really mean that I don't "love" Him?
So yes, it's been a FULL month (actually..almost) since I've posted in here. My goodness! Why does time fly so quickly?
It's nearing the summer and it's the time where everyone starts slacking...majorly. Not saying that I don't slack within the year. Oh, you have NO idea. In some classes, it's the time where teachers pile everything that they have left on your shoulders. Nope. Not a good time. Summer's near and I'm sure all you can think of is...no school, vacation, and of course..friends. Homework's starting to get on my nerves. I hate those times where it's sunny out but I'm just stuck inside writing a paper--which is, yes. what I'm doing now. =P
Oh, but you can't forget blogging right? haha, my apologies to those who check my blog consistently -coughjeremycough- and don't get anything out of it because I don't post anything. Ohh, the busy days I have staring at the computer screen not wanting to do anything but sit on the couch and possibly just fall asleep.
Five weeks or 40 days till school gets out for me and oh my goodness. I cannot tell you HOW much my grades are falling rapidly. It's just that end of the year moment where you find yourself diving into the mode of not wanting to do anything. Oh how I hate these moments. =[
Stress stress stress. My BC entrance test is coming up on May 1st and I have no idea what to do. I have so much to do before that. So much to accomplish. Or just that I WANT to accomplish. Nothing's getting done for me and nothing will be done if I don't start alone.
Devotions for me aren't going well just because I'm not focused on that part of my life right now. Hmm. What a wrong way to go right?
I think I have my summer planned. Or at least what I want to do. Since my family's not going back to HK this summer. And I have noooo idea whatsoever if we're going anywhere--which sucks, I'm planning on just working. I wanna get my lifeguard license asap and work at the pool. After that, maybe I'll apply to Emerald City Smoothies on MI or something. We'll seee.
I'm excited for next fall. Going to BC and actually being able to get out of the house more than usual. I hate being cooped up inside this house all day long. Even though there's a nice view and oh I KNOW that many people would kill to have a life like mine. But..augh..nvm I don't wanna complain.
Life..is life. And ya just gotta live it.
