Toby's Message

So yesterday at New Life (NL), we had a guest speaker from California. He's an amazing speaker, and guess what we talked about? DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS.

"It's not about age. It's about maturity."

While he was speaking, his message really brought me back to what I wrote in my previous post. How I was wishing on all those things that probably wouldn't come true soon. It really gave me a big moment to think when he listed the reasons that we SHOULDN'T be dating for. He said you shouldn't be dating:


* To seek attention
* To be loved by another person
* For Physical attraction
* Or because you're in a time where you really need comfort from someone else other than your family.

So take a moment right now and think. (esp. if you're in a relationship right now.) Why do you want this relationship? Why do you even like this person? If you say that you think God wants you in this relationship, why? Don't just try to get out of it lightly and say "God wants me in this relationship, and that's why I'm going to say yes to dating this guy/girl. I've prayed about it so much already. I think it's time to say yes." Really take this time to ponder.

Pastor Toby talked about purity too. Losing your purity doesn't only mean that you have sex with the other person. Think about this clearly. What DOES losing your purity really mean? Think back to whatever you've done with that significant other. Are you still pure?

During this age--teenage--, most of us are thinking about relationships if not school. Why is that? Is it true that we just don't see the love that God our Father gives us? Pastor Toby was also saying how all you need to know is that God loves you. All you need to know is that God is there for you--always. not sometimes, always.

So take your stand! What side are you going to stand on? Do you think you and your significant other are mature enough to stand in this relationship? Don't do something you'll regret. And remember! God is always here no matter what. In fact, he also wants to draw NEARER to you.

加油!

I don't know how I can go through this year without killing myself. Seriously, I'm already worn out by arguing with her. Now she says, "Just go to the high school. Either walk, or ride the bus." Or she says, "I'm not buying you any books. I'm not spending a dime on you. Ride a bus if you wanna get to school." I hate how she changes her attitude and mind so often. I just can't cope with it. I was on the phone when I wasn't supposed to be on last night, and that's where it all started. She got pissed, and now I'm on the edge of actually not living. Dad doesn't help much either. He's just.....not helping me as much as I thought he could/would. I've considered changing myself into a whole new person--I didn't think it'd be this hard. It's not working, all these habits have taken place. They have already taken charge of my life. I want my life to take a total twist--a twist into a new world, a new mindset.

Everything in this life is hard. It certainly takes hard work to live a fulfilling life. What am I going to do for my future? It's all a blur to me. When will everything clear up? Am I just going to live like a bum on the street? How can I change to accept everything my parents say? How can I accept everything my mom says without arguing with her? I've got one more year to prove to myself that I can. change myself into a different person. change my attitude into an accepting one.

When people ask, "How are you?" what IS my answer? Will it be "fine"? or will I answer with what I truely feel at the moment? Right now, of course I feel stressed, weak, and tired. Can you imagine what life would be if we had no problems? I can't. There's just too much going on in this world to be able to imagine it without any problems.

I used to think that my tears had all dried up--after that one incident in the beginning of this blog (not post, blog)--, and there were no more. But now I know that when you need them, they'll appear. Just like a lot of other things too. When you need it, it'll appear--usually, sometimes. As of right now, I wish I had big arms that would wrap around my body and give me physical warmth. I wish I could feel the warmth of someone's love towards me. I wish I had someone who knew EVERYTHING about me and understood me. There are so many wishes I could make, but so much for that. It won't be true--at least right now.

I need to get myself together. I need to study. I need to get those history books. But how can I? How can I do these without my parents help? What other choice do I have but sit down, think, and write down what I think my mom's rules are these past 9 years? What? Go to the MIHS and see a counselor? Will that help me at ALL? I don't wanna go back and fourth again. I don't wanna get my hopes high on going to the HS. It's a pain when it doesn't come true--most of all, I don't wanna take the WASL this year. Questions questions questions, who can answer them for me?

As of now, I need to live on. I need to add oil to my burnt out lamp and press on. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much I want to kill myself, I need to continue. God has given me life and I'm going to live it to the fullest--or at least try to.

加油!!!

Endless Love

Ever been in the position where you're not allowed to date?

Ever had problems/arguments with your parents about this specific subject--dating?

Ever hated your parents because of this rule--"you're not allowed to date till you're older"?

These few questions always block my way. I'm born in a Christian family. We have "rules". We also have a chinese culture. I hate the feeling of sneaking something from my parents. I hate the feeling of having to lie to them. But sometimes I just can't help it. I wonder why they can't just let me experience the feeling of having someone who cares for you so much. I so miss that feeling right now, but I can't do anything about it.

Have you gotten to the point where you start dating another person without your parents knowing? I admit, I've gone to that point already. After that relationship, I felt guilty, but not guilty enough. Not regretful either.

Has your parents ever walked into you with another guy--the guy you like? Here's a more general question. Why do parents tell you not to date?

I think the main reason I collected was that they don't want to see you get hurt. A lot of my friends say it's because they don't want to see you grow up. But is that really true? My parents always say that they want me to grow up. Just into a Godly Christian girl. Not some...other thing. They know that once you start dating a guy, and then break up, that scar on your heart will be left there forever, and that when you grow older, you may not want to have another relationship. You may not want to open yourself up because you don't want to be hurt again.

In other conditions, I've found that I would be craving another relationship because I missed the feeling of being important. Although it's just that one, same guy that I like, I would still crave for a relationship whether with that guy or not. It's tough not getting yourself into another relationship, but once you overcome that barrier, you can almost go through anything else.

I'm waiting for that same guy here...I have a thread of hope even though I think that we're hopeless. I don't wanna sneak around my parents, but sometimes I can't help it. Help is what I need, but am I willing to accept it? Would you be able to?

Wanting To Leave

I don't wanna stay either. I want to leave. But the door's blocked. No, you're not blocking it, but something is. Something tells me to press on, to not leave. Is it God? Is it my conscience? What is it?

I went to Summer Conference this Weekend. Five messages were given in Chinese. Did I understand them? Haha. Likely. =P Dad gave translations for 2 of the sermons to me, but then I chose to listen on my own for the rest. He read from Psalms 1-10. Interesting book of the bible isn't it? He spoke of Anger and prayer. Pray when you need him, but not only then. Pray when you wanna talk to him. There were many times where I've prayed and then asked, what does praying do? Does he listen? These sermons just gave me a reassuring gush that he does listen. He ALWAYS listens.

Anger. Keep it down!!!! Speak softly. Don't stir up anger within your party. Anger is one of the worst things that could happen in a family--also one of the easiest things that can happen. Yes, it's common. It happens ALL the time--but should it happen? There are so many things to learn in Psalms. Even after reading it 100 times, you probably won't get it all.

Is this all what's been blocking me from going out? Recently, I've always wanted to just go out of the house. I didn't like this family very much. I wanted to LEAVE. All along, something was blocking the door. Was it really because of anger that I wanted to leave? My answer now is yes, and that's what this weekend has taught me. It was because of anger that I wanted to leave, and therefore, I'm still here.

Back To School

Everyone's almost back to school. A couple more days of summer, and it's over. I've heard that the older we get, the faster time goes by--I think that's coming true. Oh no.

So it's back to school now! Everyone excited? I know I'm not. But there's only one more year to go. Unless I can't make it into running start, there's three more years to go. This school year seems really crammed for me, but I know I'll losen up when I actually start.

One of my classes clash with my swim meets. I'm not happy about that, and I'm not sure what I want. Swimming's only for a quarter, but this class is for a year. It's an acting/singing class--so it's not a required class for me. It ends at 3 45 and starts at 2 10pm. I really don't know what to do. should I ask the teacher if I can leave at 3? Or tell my coach that I can't go till later like last year? Mom told me to think about what I really want, but I really don't know. Swimming's important, but is it more important than going to this class? My first swim meet is the start of school. Oh gosh...what should I do?????

This year's important, but every year is too. *sigh, time goes way to fast. Can I have my life back?

Barbie Girl--Better Stay Away

What's up with all this nonsense stuck to my face? Does my forehead write "I like him"? Why does everyone say that I like him? why does everyone ask after I've said no a billion times? How do I like him when my thoughts are constantly on "you"? What is flirting? Does talking to the opposite sex = flirting? That's lameeeee. Dude, I'm not even kidding. What's wrong with drama these days? Should I stay away starting from now? I hope HE doesn't think I like him.......that'd be weird.

No One Out There

There's no one out there. I don't know what to do or what to think. I don't want to talk to her. I want her to leave me alone, but that's not happening. She doesn't know how hard it is for me right now. Schools almost starting and fights are arising already. what should I do? what to do? I tried praying but right now my anger's still stirring. This isn't about friends, this isn't about school, this isn't about my future. It's about my feelings.

Mom bought a textbook for me, and it was damaged. She went to read the desciption on amazon and it said that it was missing the front cover. Dad says, "can we still use it?" Mom says, "of course", and dad askes me if it's alright. I didn't even answer and mom said, "Why do you need to ask that?"

I appreciate my dad for thinking about me so much. Sometimes I wish I coiuld work with my dad only. Today, I finished one section of my SAT, corrected it, and went on the computer to finish my pictures. Mom came in and saw me typing. She asked what I was doing, and started exiting all my windows. OMG. I was copying photos for at least 40 mins already, and she just exited it with one click. Guess how I reacted? Okay, it was wrong, but WHO IN THE WORLD wouldn't be mad!? Then she made me stand in the room "reflecting". So supposedly, that'w what I'm doing right now.

I wanna get outta this, but I really have nothing to say to her. It's like she's always able to make dad turn his decisions around and be "on her" side. I wish she would understand me and my personality more. I wish she would stop tugging on my weak points. I really don't wanna talk to her. Why can't she just leave me alone?!

Prayers:

Oh, it's this discussion about prayers again. Do they work? Sometimes I wish that things could change with the snap of my finger. But.......the world doesn't work that way. What if I prayed not to be homeschooled? Would that come true?

True Love

The title speaks it all, but.....is true love real when you're a teenager? My friend gave me a link to an article about true love when you're a teenager. He said it would probably suit me really well (haha. and it did.) So now, I'm going to comment on it. Feel free to comment back! p.s. the link is at the bottom of this post.

So, can teenagers fall in love? I believe so. But why do parents tell us to not date till we're older--besides to focus on your duties(school and everything)? I mean, even though you go out with a guy when you're older, you'll still be emotionally hurt if you break up with them right? But then comes the subject of maturity.

Think about it. Am I emotionally matured?

Sometimes, we need others to judge for us. We tend to give way to ourselves just to make things a little bit easier. When people actually do say something good about us, we tend to shut our intake tubes.

*sigh, true love sounds so good....
I suggest you read this post. (: Thanks all! <3

http://www.helium.com/items/1548494-can-teenagers-truly-fall-in-love

Dreams

As a little girl, I used to dream of many different things, think about many different things, and want many different things.

Such as those dreams about Candy Land. Oh my, you'll NEVER guess. EVERYTHING was candy.....just like the Willy Wonka movie. haha, I probably got that dream after watching anyways. =P I think all girls have that once in a life time. We as girls will never go without that dream for a lifetime.

Ever have those dreams where you don't get them once, twice, but three times? I had a nightmare once. It didn't come once or twice, it came thrice. Ohh....scary, it really was--but gotta remember. God's by your side. You never have to be afraid of anything. There was also a dream I had. I still remember it vaguely. It's haha....really weird. It was about...starwars--ok, come on, out of ALL movies, starwars? I don't even like it. Anyways, it would be a really sunny day, and I'd be trapped in the enemies' territory. When I woke up, I'd be drenched in sweat. Ew, just ew..

Those dreams......I wish I still had them. I wish I were a little, carefree girl again. I've grown up now. I just don't understand. Why is it that when we're all young, we wanna be old, but when we're old, we would wanna be young? I don't get human minds--moreover, my own. I don't think anyone can interpret my mind....except for God, not even me. ^^ Yeah, He's awesome. (Amen?)

Although I know that this will never happen, but sometimes I wish these dreams would just come true--into reality. Good dreams come part of life...bad dreams, become reality. It's true actually. Sometimes I feel as if I'm living a dream-- haha, heard that sentence before? yeah, many times.

Ahh, dreams...dreams dreams...I wouldn't be able to go a day without dreams. This word actually is so meaningful. Just a twist can lead you down a different path with the word 'dream'.

Any real dreams or goals? I don't know. Has anyone (who's a girl) ever dreamed of marrying their dad (or vise versa?) Just cause they're SO amazing. I used to wanna find a husband like my dad. Actually, I might still want to.

So tell me now, what are your dreams?

Inspired by: Melissa Ling

Why Why Why?

God, why have you brought this into my life? Why have you brought this guy to me for so long? Why have you made him like me for so long? Through all the messes we've been...through silent treatments over a year.

Oh how I wish you didn't. I wish you didn't bring him to me four years ago..because I don't know how to cope with it no more. Friends? That's fine with me, but I know I've given actions to many other guys that were..well, not good? I hate those times where you do something, and then the next minute, you want to just die cause you were wondering why you did that.

"to him": I really don't understand how you manage to keep liking me when I like someone else. I don't get why you still like me after four years of 'knowing' me. I don't get why you can't find a better girl to like. I just don't get why you still like me when I've ignored you three times for just about three years each time. Yeah, sometimes I feel really bad about that, but there definitely was a reason for that, and I don't regret doing that.

*sigh, I don't even know what to say about it anymore. There's nothing else to say. Btw, haha. If you're reading this. Honestly, it wasn't really for you to read, but that's ok. You don't need to comment on this either.