加油!

I don't know how I can go through this year without killing myself. Seriously, I'm already worn out by arguing with her. Now she says, "Just go to the high school. Either walk, or ride the bus." Or she says, "I'm not buying you any books. I'm not spending a dime on you. Ride a bus if you wanna get to school." I hate how she changes her attitude and mind so often. I just can't cope with it. I was on the phone when I wasn't supposed to be on last night, and that's where it all started. She got pissed, and now I'm on the edge of actually not living. Dad doesn't help much either. He's just.....not helping me as much as I thought he could/would. I've considered changing myself into a whole new person--I didn't think it'd be this hard. It's not working, all these habits have taken place. They have already taken charge of my life. I want my life to take a total twist--a twist into a new world, a new mindset.

Everything in this life is hard. It certainly takes hard work to live a fulfilling life. What am I going to do for my future? It's all a blur to me. When will everything clear up? Am I just going to live like a bum on the street? How can I change to accept everything my parents say? How can I accept everything my mom says without arguing with her? I've got one more year to prove to myself that I can. change myself into a different person. change my attitude into an accepting one.

When people ask, "How are you?" what IS my answer? Will it be "fine"? or will I answer with what I truely feel at the moment? Right now, of course I feel stressed, weak, and tired. Can you imagine what life would be if we had no problems? I can't. There's just too much going on in this world to be able to imagine it without any problems.

I used to think that my tears had all dried up--after that one incident in the beginning of this blog (not post, blog)--, and there were no more. But now I know that when you need them, they'll appear. Just like a lot of other things too. When you need it, it'll appear--usually, sometimes. As of right now, I wish I had big arms that would wrap around my body and give me physical warmth. I wish I could feel the warmth of someone's love towards me. I wish I had someone who knew EVERYTHING about me and understood me. There are so many wishes I could make, but so much for that. It won't be true--at least right now.

I need to get myself together. I need to study. I need to get those history books. But how can I? How can I do these without my parents help? What other choice do I have but sit down, think, and write down what I think my mom's rules are these past 9 years? What? Go to the MIHS and see a counselor? Will that help me at ALL? I don't wanna go back and fourth again. I don't wanna get my hopes high on going to the HS. It's a pain when it doesn't come true--most of all, I don't wanna take the WASL this year. Questions questions questions, who can answer them for me?

As of now, I need to live on. I need to add oil to my burnt out lamp and press on. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much I want to kill myself, I need to continue. God has given me life and I'm going to live it to the fullest--or at least try to.

加油!!!