It was only for 2 months, and then everything ended. Why? I asked myself. I wasn't even clear of it. A week before we really did 分手, I had only a slight idea. It wasn't sudden for me, but I still didn't know it was official. It's definitely a very long story. Here, I will spill everything.
So from the beginning, it was a slow process. First, we made each other into siblings. Yes, he's three years older than me, but what does age matter? All my friends say it's a big gap, but....does it matter that much if you love him? Honestly, I don't know/remember when I started liking him. I met him at Praise night on December 7th by playing human bingo. Although I didn't 'know' him, I met him at school again. There, we officially met. I still remember that day very clearly. He was going to play his senior solo that night for orchestra. It all started when I went up to him and asked, "Were you at SCAC (my church) Praise Night?" He answered with a yes. At that moment, I didn't know that anything would happen. As time went on, I would see him everywhere. It's like I could find him no matter where he was. Eventually, we mutually bonded.
During those times, I was happy. I had someone I could count on. I had someone I could go to. When something went bad, he would be the first one I would think of.
One Sunday night, he had an orchestra concert to go to. I really wanted to attend it, but my mom being her, did not let me. His concert ended at around 7, and at that time, my parents were at Bally working out. Wanting to see him that badly, I asked if he could come over for a while since my parents were gone for a little bit. By the time he arrived, it was 8. My brother, not knowing that he would come over asked me, "Did you know that Bally closes at 8? You better call them." So I listened, and called them. As my parents picked up, they pulled into the driveway, and this was not even five minutes after he came in. We rushed him downstairs, and made him leave through the back door. After the incident, you wouldn't know how bad I felt. Although he lived 10 minutes walking distance away, it was night, and he basically came over for nothing. Now, he had to walk home after seeing me for only five minutes. There was nothing I could do, but feel bad. I totally didn't know what to do. But he's a nice guy, he didn't mind. (At least he said so) Whenever I said I felt bad about that incident, he'd say, "Well, I got to see you for five minutes, and that's worth the walk already." He knew what to say to me every time. He comforted me when I was in a bad mood.
During that time, I had problems with my relationship with my mom, and even now, we're going through a lot. There was a time when I was really down after having an argument with my mom. After quarreling, I called him. He said he wanted to come over. My parents were home and all, he'd have to sneak in. Not knowing what to do, I said yes. That night, he came, comforted me, and stayed with me.
Many other nights like that came again, but all were behind our parents back and siblings and almost everyone. The time we spent together indeed was precious, but there also was a guilt feeling of hiding behind everyone. If they found out, it would hurt them real bad. Obviously there were also nights/mornings where we almost got exposed, but we eventually solved them. But only until his parents found out, disaster struck. The trust he gained from them these 18 years totally just dropped into a deep hole in a couple of seconds. Not to even mention their relationship. We managed to keep this up for a little longer, but not too long. My parents went on a trip to LA exactly the week where we had spring break, but that was also the time he got grounded from going out. Yah, I felt bad, he didn't deserve this. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have done that. The consequence of it was that HE had to stay home in watch of his parents. Come on, he's 18 now. You can't patch up 18 years of trust in a little bit of time, yet you can lose that trust in a matter of seconds. What made him lose their trust was me. What I'm going through now, is probably what I deserve anyways. It was also that month that his phone bill shot up, but that was only because there was one night where I had to pull an all nighter doing homework, and he accompanied me through the phone. What a bad idea, I should've helped him.
A few weeks later.....
Over the phone, we talked about separation. He said he didn't wanna hurt me. He said he didn't know what to do. He said things turned bad and that maybe it was time. By the end of the phone call, he claimed that we had broken up, but I didn't know. From then on, I felt like he ignored me everywhere whether it was msn, facebook, or even face to face at school. He used to go to orchestra 10 minutes early, and he stopped doing that. I asked him why, and he said that he was having a volleyball tournament in his P.E class and his gym teacher went overtime. I took that explanation at that time, but now, I ask myself, "was that just an excuse?" Things slowly got worse and worse, until I told him online that our relationship got even worse after the phonecall. From there, my heart sunk. His answer was, "No, we're still friends though!" I totally didn't expect it coming. I didn't know that everything had already changed from the call. I had to adapt to it imediately without any second thought about it (I'm not saying that I DID adapt to it, it's just that I had to). How he made me feel ignored didn't help me at all. I remembered that phrase, "I don't wanna hurt you." The fact was that, it was hurting me. I don't know if he realized it, but he was.
By that time, I felt like he didn't even try to fight for me against his parents. He never told me a thing anymore. As in, how things went with his parents, or what's been happening. He just said things were bad. I really wanted to tell him that I felt like we didn't try hard enough, and that we let go too easily. He said he still loved me, yet he didn't show it. I wanted to tell him, but I didn't wanna add stress to him. It's his senior year, and there's already loads of stress on top of him. So, I didn't say anything to him.
When he said we were just friends, I told my friend to check it out. She came back saying, "yes, he says you guys are no longer. I told him to confirm it with you because you weren't sure, and he will."
Nothing happened until a few days later, no movement, no nothing. I saw no change in anything Everything went as is. Until that one night on msn. I sent him a message, and he didn't reply so I sent him another one saying, "Oh, you're never online to talk to me anymore huh." He still didn't reply, and it was time for me to get off, so I sent another one saying, "Ok, well. I have to go now. Don't tire yourself out, sleep early. I love you." (I hadn't said I love you in a while, just cause I realized he stopped saying it to me. I was always the one saying it. But for some reason, it just came out of my fingers that night.) After I signed off, he gave a reply saying, "are you here? I think you got something wrong." At that time, I KNEW that he was gunna say something like, yeah. We're already done. After that phonecall, I claimed that we were done. Since I was already offline, I had a choice of either saying, "yes, i'm here." or just not say anything cause I didn't want it to happen. I don't know why, but I answered, and it was there where the hurt all started again. I don't wanna post the details of the conversation here, but feel free to ask me. He knows what he said to me.
I think it was during this time. I'm not sure though, I might be wrong. It might have been before the msn conversation. Someone asked him to Spring Tolo one day, and a day or two later, he asked someone to Prom. He never told me about either and I found out through photos on facebook. I wish he told me, up to now, he hasn't told me. It's almost over..yes, I know. He said he found me as a friend. After this moment I didn't think so. He didn't even look at me as a friend or he would have told me. Prom is this weekend. It's three days after my birthday. Yes, I'll survive...somehow
Now, he never talks to me. I don't know why our relationship has ended up like this. There are so many times where I miss him, but I still can't do anything. I get flash backs, and everything. I feel like I can let go right now. Everything's all in my head and it won't come out. I just can't stop thinking. I miss the times where we were together, but now I know almost for sure that it'll never happen again. There's no chance.....right?
Looking back to all these things, I feel like I've wronged him so much. I feel like I'm totally at fault. I know why he did this. I understand...I totally do. I know it must've been hard for him too, and I shouldn't add on.
So from the beginning, it was a slow process. First, we made each other into siblings. Yes, he's three years older than me, but what does age matter? All my friends say it's a big gap, but....does it matter that much if you love him? Honestly, I don't know/remember when I started liking him. I met him at Praise night on December 7th by playing human bingo. Although I didn't 'know' him, I met him at school again. There, we officially met. I still remember that day very clearly. He was going to play his senior solo that night for orchestra. It all started when I went up to him and asked, "Were you at SCAC (my church) Praise Night?" He answered with a yes. At that moment, I didn't know that anything would happen. As time went on, I would see him everywhere. It's like I could find him no matter where he was. Eventually, we mutually bonded.
During those times, I was happy. I had someone I could count on. I had someone I could go to. When something went bad, he would be the first one I would think of.
One Sunday night, he had an orchestra concert to go to. I really wanted to attend it, but my mom being her, did not let me. His concert ended at around 7, and at that time, my parents were at Bally working out. Wanting to see him that badly, I asked if he could come over for a while since my parents were gone for a little bit. By the time he arrived, it was 8. My brother, not knowing that he would come over asked me, "Did you know that Bally closes at 8? You better call them." So I listened, and called them. As my parents picked up, they pulled into the driveway, and this was not even five minutes after he came in. We rushed him downstairs, and made him leave through the back door. After the incident, you wouldn't know how bad I felt. Although he lived 10 minutes walking distance away, it was night, and he basically came over for nothing. Now, he had to walk home after seeing me for only five minutes. There was nothing I could do, but feel bad. I totally didn't know what to do. But he's a nice guy, he didn't mind. (At least he said so) Whenever I said I felt bad about that incident, he'd say, "Well, I got to see you for five minutes, and that's worth the walk already." He knew what to say to me every time. He comforted me when I was in a bad mood.
During that time, I had problems with my relationship with my mom, and even now, we're going through a lot. There was a time when I was really down after having an argument with my mom. After quarreling, I called him. He said he wanted to come over. My parents were home and all, he'd have to sneak in. Not knowing what to do, I said yes. That night, he came, comforted me, and stayed with me.
Many other nights like that came again, but all were behind our parents back and siblings and almost everyone. The time we spent together indeed was precious, but there also was a guilt feeling of hiding behind everyone. If they found out, it would hurt them real bad. Obviously there were also nights/mornings where we almost got exposed, but we eventually solved them. But only until his parents found out, disaster struck. The trust he gained from them these 18 years totally just dropped into a deep hole in a couple of seconds. Not to even mention their relationship. We managed to keep this up for a little longer, but not too long. My parents went on a trip to LA exactly the week where we had spring break, but that was also the time he got grounded from going out. Yah, I felt bad, he didn't deserve this. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have done that. The consequence of it was that HE had to stay home in watch of his parents. Come on, he's 18 now. You can't patch up 18 years of trust in a little bit of time, yet you can lose that trust in a matter of seconds. What made him lose their trust was me. What I'm going through now, is probably what I deserve anyways. It was also that month that his phone bill shot up, but that was only because there was one night where I had to pull an all nighter doing homework, and he accompanied me through the phone. What a bad idea, I should've helped him.
A few weeks later.....
Over the phone, we talked about separation. He said he didn't wanna hurt me. He said he didn't know what to do. He said things turned bad and that maybe it was time. By the end of the phone call, he claimed that we had broken up, but I didn't know. From then on, I felt like he ignored me everywhere whether it was msn, facebook, or even face to face at school. He used to go to orchestra 10 minutes early, and he stopped doing that. I asked him why, and he said that he was having a volleyball tournament in his P.E class and his gym teacher went overtime. I took that explanation at that time, but now, I ask myself, "was that just an excuse?" Things slowly got worse and worse, until I told him online that our relationship got even worse after the phonecall. From there, my heart sunk. His answer was, "No, we're still friends though!" I totally didn't expect it coming. I didn't know that everything had already changed from the call. I had to adapt to it imediately without any second thought about it (I'm not saying that I DID adapt to it, it's just that I had to). How he made me feel ignored didn't help me at all. I remembered that phrase, "I don't wanna hurt you." The fact was that, it was hurting me. I don't know if he realized it, but he was.
By that time, I felt like he didn't even try to fight for me against his parents. He never told me a thing anymore. As in, how things went with his parents, or what's been happening. He just said things were bad. I really wanted to tell him that I felt like we didn't try hard enough, and that we let go too easily. He said he still loved me, yet he didn't show it. I wanted to tell him, but I didn't wanna add stress to him. It's his senior year, and there's already loads of stress on top of him. So, I didn't say anything to him.
When he said we were just friends, I told my friend to check it out. She came back saying, "yes, he says you guys are no longer. I told him to confirm it with you because you weren't sure, and he will."
Nothing happened until a few days later, no movement, no nothing. I saw no change in anything Everything went as is. Until that one night on msn. I sent him a message, and he didn't reply so I sent him another one saying, "Oh, you're never online to talk to me anymore huh." He still didn't reply, and it was time for me to get off, so I sent another one saying, "Ok, well. I have to go now. Don't tire yourself out, sleep early. I love you." (I hadn't said I love you in a while, just cause I realized he stopped saying it to me. I was always the one saying it. But for some reason, it just came out of my fingers that night.) After I signed off, he gave a reply saying, "are you here? I think you got something wrong." At that time, I KNEW that he was gunna say something like, yeah. We're already done. After that phonecall, I claimed that we were done. Since I was already offline, I had a choice of either saying, "yes, i'm here." or just not say anything cause I didn't want it to happen. I don't know why, but I answered, and it was there where the hurt all started again. I don't wanna post the details of the conversation here, but feel free to ask me. He knows what he said to me.
I think it was during this time. I'm not sure though, I might be wrong. It might have been before the msn conversation. Someone asked him to Spring Tolo one day, and a day or two later, he asked someone to Prom. He never told me about either and I found out through photos on facebook. I wish he told me, up to now, he hasn't told me. It's almost over..yes, I know. He said he found me as a friend. After this moment I didn't think so. He didn't even look at me as a friend or he would have told me. Prom is this weekend. It's three days after my birthday. Yes, I'll survive...somehow
Now, he never talks to me. I don't know why our relationship has ended up like this. There are so many times where I miss him, but I still can't do anything. I get flash backs, and everything. I feel like I can let go right now. Everything's all in my head and it won't come out. I just can't stop thinking. I miss the times where we were together, but now I know almost for sure that it'll never happen again. There's no chance.....right?
Looking back to all these things, I feel like I've wronged him so much. I feel like I'm totally at fault. I know why he did this. I understand...I totally do. I know it must've been hard for him too, and I shouldn't add on.
hey
ReplyDeleteit feels like life sucks after it ends right?
i've felt that way too
it took me over a year to get over it
but i realized that it didn't/wouldn't work out
and there was no point moping over it
even though that doesn't stop the memories from coming back every once in a while
until now, i still haven't had a steady relationship
it sounds like you guys had a strong, but unhealthy relationship
by seeing each other, you guys were going against your morals
it would have ended anyways
it's just really unfortunate that it had to end that way
but it was his choice as much as yours to do stuff behind you guy's parents backs
and it's equally you guy's fault how it ended up
so don't feel bad, really. =)
i know this is gonna sound really cliche
but life goes on
next time you'll know what to do and what not to do right?
at least that's the theory. =)