I thought...

I thought I would be fine, but I guessed wrongly. Yesterday was horrible. May 30th...sigh*
I wanted to write this blog earlier, but mom didn't let me.
Yesterday was a total disaster....yes, another one.
So at first, the day was fine. SYSO was just another day...Carpooling was weird today, but that's ok. When I arrived home, I basically immediately started editing my writing with Dad. Mann, that took so long...I had to study for some Biology too.


Originally, I planned to go out with Melissa Ling at 3 pm for a run, go to factoria, and then go to her youth group, life focus. hahahha, totally didn't work out. Ended up meeting her at her house around 6 15...and then leaving for life/focus right away.

Mom made a total fuss about me wearing a two piece. Oh wow, you wouldn't believe it. I wish she just wouldn't care so much. When Randy and I were in the car, she would say to us, "Why are you guys wearing flipflops? That's so disrespectful. You guys shouldn't be wearing that." If we answered with a, "It's fine mom....it's FINE" She would just get all mad. I mean, seriously? Isn't that just a LITTLE bit unreasonable?! Gosh, I got so mad at that..

Ahh, I broke out lets say...about 6 times yesterday. I really didn't think that it would happen, but it did. Problems with mom just made everything worse. Him being so excited for prom..I guess it's a given, he should be. But why do I have to live in the past? I feel like it's all me pondering. I just got three freakin hrs of sleep. Mom didn't even let me stay up and have time to myself..which I definitely needed. It's 4:50 am right now. What am I even doing awake?! Crying myself to sleeep, and then waking up three hours later.

You know, I really wish he would just be able to read my mind. Know what I'm thinking right now, and fix all that we did. I wish he would talk about our past with me. I wish he would bring it up. But, how can he bring it up when he hardly talk to me now? This is so not going to work out. Why do I even have to be thinking so much? It's not like it's going to help.

Bitterness swelled up in me last night. Everything came flashing back. I jerked my head to every noise to see if he was around the corner. Ahh, I longed for him....but knew that he would never be here again in my arms. My heartbeat was slow, my tears were just flowing. By the end, my body was dry...and I just fell asleep. The tears weren't only leftovers of him.. It was everything around me. My surrounding. I'm still mad. Yes, but being mad won't help anything.

I made many mad yesterday. Dad worked for me, never did I say the words 'thank you' to him. I made him not be able to do his things. Why am I always like that? Why do I need to make myself feel so guilty afterwards?

My Dad's eldest sister came to Seattle last night. She's sleeping in my room. I really didn't want her to. I ended up sleeping in the living room because of how much I just wanted to cry everything out. No matter how much I thought, cried, or slept, nothing would have changed.

I've never been like this my entire life. It's so interesting. I've probably also made a lot of my closest friends suffer. They have to listen to me everyday ranting on and on.. I just wanna take a moment to say sorry to everyone. Whoever's reading this. I apprecate it a lot...Thanks for caring.

The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months recently have been so filled with agony. No one really knows, but every single time something happens, it's like my heart has skipped a beat. Gloomyness just swells all over me. I pray to God asking for peace and wisdom. I try to listen to what he has to say to me. But words like, "I don't wanna hurt you." or "Breaking up with you doesn't mean I don't like you anymore" play in my head countless times. It just won't stop. It just won't go away.

Everything just swept past me without me even realizing it. I really didn't think last night would be that way. I was so unprepared for it. People in the house felt like strangers. I felt so alone. Yes, I knew that God was with me, but at that time, God didn't even have a place in my heart. I find that extremely sad. Being a so called 'Christian' for at least 13 years of my 15 year old life....What do I even KNOW about God? Am I really a Christian? Darkness filled me on May 30th.

After crying my eyes out, I finally sought peace and fell asleep, but not for long. All these events in my life are capturing all my energy. I'm just like a deteriorating old lady. I've found my weeknesses. *sigh* May 30th...may 30th.. Everything just keeps playing in my head over and over again. It never stops. My brain never stops.