It's just about this one dude....

It's around 12:30am and I really need to vent myself out..This probably isn't all, but here's part of it.

Why does everything have to be this way? Why couldn't we stay as people who liked each other? Why are you such a changed person now? Your totally not the guy I liked....and I really don't want the guy I liked to die. Just being here in my room, all these memories pop up again. Why has so much changed? You tell me.

You know what I'm most pissed about? After everything has happened, you just left everything alone.....including me. We've never once again talked about our relationship. Why did our relationship seem so very........irresponsible? I really don't like it this way. I feel so selfish. Is all this because of me? This is my own thinking right?? But still, why did we end up being this way?

Those words are always stuck in my head..."I love you" or, "I miss you". They just keep going round and round in my head... The questions "Does he really?" or...."How about now?" always invade my thoughts.

When I'm on msn and your on...I have an urge to start talking to you. I'm trying not to. I don't wanna give you pressure. Me suffering is better than you suffering right? But every time, I give in.. It's always just that longing to see him say hi. My heart races after pressing enter every single time..."What is he going to say next? What will he think about what I say?" Those are immediate questions in my brain. Sometimes, he answers, sometimes, he doesn't.

After saying the normal hi's.....we stop talking. It's so different. I'm not used to it. but it always happens. He just..somehow, stops talking. Why am I always the one initiating talks? It's so tiring..yet, I can't bear to see him always online and just....not talk to me.

Tomorrow's prom for him..and as a friend, I asked him today if he was excited for tmr. He answered with a "yes...I just got back from the tux shop." For some reason, my heart just sank right then and there. Ahhh, what should I say next? He asked, so what are you up to? I said...nothing much. and he says, "Thats all??"
Ok, so what else can I say when I'm in this kinda state and he doesn't know it? My life is just the exact thing repeating itself over and over again...never stopping. My heart keeps beating..breath still comes out.
Actually, I was even surprised he kept going with the conversation. He usually doesn't ask so much. At his questions, I just sank deeper into the hole. Is he THAT excited for tomorrow? *sigh* what can I do...

I wish you knew how I feel..I really wish you knew....The fact is that.. Yes, I still can't get over all this. I can't get over the fact that this is how you're treating me right now. I really wish we still had a friendly relationship..but I guess it won't work....for you.