The Story Of A Mother's Day Weekend

So this past week I've been so occupied with this and that that I feel like I have no more time to think. Now that it's been a week and a half, everything's beginning to just bundle up in my head. It makes me stressed to think about so many things at once. With everything flying at me, and with all the answers hidden, what am I supposed to do? Where can I find those hidden answers? I don't have the time to search for the little Easter egg that contains all the answers.

I haven't been writing much lately. Nothing's been really put onto my mind. Nothing special has been placed in my heart. At least just yet. I'm not gonna lie..I've been procrastinating on everything lately. You name it. You'd probably be right. Sometimes, I wish I could just make things up. I wish that my life was a dream. You never die in dreams, but in reality, you can die. Many times--obviously not literally.

Just a few days ago, I made my mother mad. Yeah, it was mothers day. No... actually, it started on Saturday. I was supposed to do Kelley's hair for her recital that day and then finish up some homework so that I could go watch Iron Man 2. Nope. Didn't work. In the car, I made my mother mad. I just wasn't in a good mood, but in all cases, I wanted to get out. She started going off about an essay that was supposedly due this Thursday. She had told me that I was to finish it this weekend--and knowing me, I procrastinated...and also thought that she meant Sunday. Everything turned wrong in an instant. It's surprising how fast the light of rage could just start to flicker. Doesn't take much apparently. Especially when it's me who makes her mad.

So long story short, she didn't let me go. Or in other words, I didn't get my way. We ended up in a huge fight and half of mothers day was basically ruined. I didn't go to church that morning. I had to teach/sub, but I ended up asking someone else to do it for me. Oh yeah. I felt so bad about that. I still do. Getting asked to sub for someone and saying yes, but in the end asking another person to sub? I felt bad. It's alright though, everything's over with and it worked out.

In the end, we went out for dinner--the whole family-- and then went home to watch a movie after eating the cheesecake that I bought my mother. We didn't talk about the incident after that.

I've got to mend my ways. Everything I do is always so badly thought out. Some things that I knew would happen before hand..but I still do it. It bothers me so much. This character inside my body. It controls me and I want to change it. I WANT to change. Into a new person perhaps? I want to mend my ways. It's always so frustrating when everything doesn't go my way. But I guess life isn't about me. Nothing revolves around me. It's just..me and well, others.

*sigh* so much to do and yet I'm still online. Homework due tomorrow that I haven't finished, and yet I'm still online....ahh, I better go.

May FIRST

So....whatever I was afraid of before May 1st, I'm not anymore....BECAUSE I PASSED THE BC TEST! Although, I am a little afraid of the future.. It's been a tough 10 years and now it seems like I'm finally moving on. On to something new. To me, it seems kinda absurd, but in reality, I'm kinda following a lot of people around me.

So it's my new chance to go out and prove myself to be who I really am. To also prove myself to be a strong christian. I need to finally learn how to stand my ground when I'm around people out there. The times when I feel lonely, the times when I feel separated, I know that I have Him.

So here comes another process of life. A change. A new opportunity to be challenged.

Stress Like Today, Tomorrow, And Saturday

So tomorrow's the big studying day. I'm quite nervous for Saturday.. Which is the BC entrance test. I'm sure I'll do fine...but I'd really really really feel stupid if I didn't make it in. It's all so fuzzy. My future. What I want to do. But I know this. I wanna get out. I want to go somewhere where it's quite and just focus on my surrounding. I don't wanna be so stressed. I want to just let it all out. Live my life happily like everything is fine. Unfortunately, life is hard. Life isn't just full of pleasure. Oh, yes. we wish it were.

I'm already feeling a bit stressed about a small test on Saturday. Now tell me how I'm going to get through this again? Tell me how I'm going to do it with this kinda mood.... *sigh.

Another Working Day To Fulfill

So here it goes to another day! Last week I got lazy off of math and had to do one weeks worth of it in one night. I don't think I slept till 4am. =[ It's alright though. I got 4 hours of sleeeep. Ahhh..sleep. Sounds so good. But here's to a new day with a bunch of new homework. And also to a new WEEK. Lets do this!

ahh, so tired.

I'm soo excited to read everyone's stories on Wed! Hopefully we'll get to share. :] ...just not mine =x

All Done!

After a LONG night of MATH homework..I'm finally off to sleep (:

Ahhh. Sleep. It has never felt better. <3

Treasure it. Whenever you have it.

My First Love

So before I passed my book along, I was reading Crazy Love. It's a great book. Something struck me while I was reading it.

It said that if you love someone, they would always be on your mind. That's great. It's so true too. I believe that if you truly love someone, they'd be on your mind no matter what. So why is God so rarely on my mind? Do I really "not love him"? So many things in this world are always on my mind..Food, homework, family, friends, etc. But I find that the only thing I'm missing is the word "God". My relationship with Him. It's not going anywhere! Communication..Prayers...

It has definitely been on my mind. The question of "Do I really love God the way I sing that I do?" Am I just saying things? Am I being a hypocrite right now? Often in worship the leader says, "I want you guys to sing what you REALLY mean." But I do think that we sing those words just because they're up on the projector. What if we made our own words to the song? Would they be the same? Probably not. Of course I wouldn't want to admit that I don't love God by not singing the song. If I made up a song. It'd probably end up being.

"Lord I love you
but I don't know how to show you.
Lord I love you
but you're not constantly on my mind
Lord I love you
but I need to see you
Lord I love you
but I don't think I know what love means"

Ok, so it's not that case that I don't love God. I really do. I guess I just have to think of Him more. He needs to be constantly on my mind instead of so many other things. It's true that faith plays a big part in this. The people you love..yes, you can see them. God, nope. You can't see him. It takes a huge amount of faith to even know that He's there. I've heard this question before: "What if God ISN'T real? What if you find out later that He's not real. That you just made a fool out of yourself singing and jumping like that?" Then I heard an answer: "I don't mind. I rather make myself look stupid than be wrong like you later." Yeah, that would be my answer too. I rather make myself look like a fool dancing and jumping for God than not believing in Him and then being thrown into the pits of Hades later just to be tortured.

People say that God is their First Love. They tell you to think of him as your First Love. Because when you think of Him as your first love, you give everything to Him. He's always the first in your thoughts. He's always the first in everything you do. So what should I do when He's rarely on my mind? Does it really mean that I don't "love" Him?

Live it

So yes, it's been a FULL month (actually..almost) since I've posted in here. My goodness! Why does time fly so quickly?

It's nearing the summer and it's the time where everyone starts slacking...majorly. Not saying that I don't slack within the year. Oh, you have NO idea. In some classes, it's the time where teachers pile everything that they have left on your shoulders. Nope. Not a good time. Summer's near and I'm sure all you can think of is...no school, vacation, and of course..friends. Homework's starting to get on my nerves. I hate those times where it's sunny out but I'm just stuck inside writing a paper--which is, yes. what I'm doing now. =P

Oh, but you can't forget blogging right? haha, my apologies to those who check my blog consistently -coughjeremycough- and don't get anything out of it because I don't post anything. Ohh, the busy days I have staring at the computer screen not wanting to do anything but sit on the couch and possibly just fall asleep.

Five weeks or 40 days till school gets out for me and oh my goodness. I cannot tell you HOW much my grades are falling rapidly. It's just that end of the year moment where you find yourself diving into the mode of not wanting to do anything. Oh how I hate these moments. =[

Stress stress stress. My BC entrance test is coming up on May 1st and I have no idea what to do. I have so much to do before that. So much to accomplish. Or just that I WANT to accomplish. Nothing's getting done for me and nothing will be done if I don't start alone.

Devotions for me aren't going well just because I'm not focused on that part of my life right now. Hmm. What a wrong way to go right?

I think I have my summer planned. Or at least what I want to do. Since my family's not going back to HK this summer. And I have noooo idea whatsoever if we're going anywhere--which sucks, I'm planning on just working. I wanna get my lifeguard license asap and work at the pool. After that, maybe I'll apply to Emerald City Smoothies on MI or something. We'll seee.

I'm excited for next fall. Going to BC and actually being able to get out of the house more than usual. I hate being cooped up inside this house all day long. Even though there's a nice view and oh I KNOW that many people would kill to have a life like mine. But..augh..nvm I don't wanna complain.

Life..is life. And ya just gotta live it.

Study Group: Commitment and Prayer

Last Sunday, the Girls in New Life (My youth group) started a new Bible Study. One with Commitment and Prayer. We will be meeting twice every month for three months. It's hard enough to stay committed to coming to church twice a week-moreover staying after church on Sundays. But I'm sure that when we spend this time with God, the relationship, the bond will grow tremendously.

At our first meeting we wrote down our prayer requests for this study. I would like to share them in public-also hoping that it is not only us girls who are participating in getting to know God, but also everyone around us. From Dare 2 Share (D2S) this year, I've learned how hard it was to share the Gospel with others who may not especially like listening to you. Much prayer is needed within that area. I've already seen people live the cause out. It makes me proud to see that we haven't stopped here just yet. That D2S wasn't JUST a spiritual high, but an ongoing life-time story that will help others also.

Many of you know that I'm homeschooled. I often ask myself how I can spread the word to others. But now I realize: Maybe I'm the background of everything. Maybe I'm the one who should be praying for those surrounding me and for those who are sharing. I went to school today and joined my prayer group. I have a lunch time of 40 minutes every Thursday. Some of the students there have formed a prayer group. We meet together at lunch and eat together. We go through our prayer requests, and pray together before heading to class again. I haven't actually joined the group consistently-esp. this year since I get there after lunch. But going there today made me realize how awesome it is to have a group of friends around you to pray for you. It was when a mother walked by us and said, "So you guys get together every week and pray together?" when I realized that by doing this, others can see. They can see that we're committed to living out the Gospel. I'm so glad that I have these friends in my life to lead me on. For helping me get back on the right track.

Anyways, this is my prayer list for this study group. May I ask that you guys pray for us too? Actually, not just us...but everyone around us. :] You're in this too, so why not live the cause together while we're at it?

Prayer Request:

-To be able to view God in a deeper level:

-To develop an intimate relationship with him: I've been a Christian "all my life" now and I still don't feel like I totally know what an intimate relationship with him is or just..feels like.

-Develop a stronger bond with him: like our book said. Demolish the strongholds that let you see God, but only from a distance.

-Develop a daily Bible reading habit: I keep saying this to myself over and over again, but it has actually almost never happened. It feels so redundant to say this once again, but....I'm going to try to change it once and for all. :]

-Treat Him like my first love: Just because He truly IS my first love, and I should never forget that.

This list could seriously go on forever and ever. But I think my ultimate prayer request for this journey with you girls is that we all learn the most out of it. Julie or maybe it was Kay Kay. But one of them said: "We'll only learn however much time we put in it." Meaning, if you put in 20 minutes per week, you won't get much out of this study, but if you put 20 minutes per day, you'll get soo much more out of it--and let me tell you now, it's such a great blessing to have so much information just put out to you like that with friends to help you go through it.

Coming To An End

The school years coming to an end already. Just a couple more months--hang in there! Honestly, these few months of school has flown by so incredibly quickly. Although at times, I would just sit in the middle of my empty living room and wonder alone. Daydream--yes, my favorite past time.

They say that time goes by quickly when you're having fun. Am I really having fun though? Are you? Or are we just...growing up? Growing up into the next generation. It's so hard to think that we're up next. We're standing on the edge of the mat that leads to the competition floor. Almost there. Almost there, but not quite. I'm not ready yet. No matter how confident I am, no matter how much I know that I'll blow the audience's mind with my very own routine..I'm not ready. Not ready to go out and perform, oh and I know that. So many things have been lingering in me and I know that it'll make me trip when I start to walk out in front of the judges.

It seems like to me, even though I know those things..I still walk out. In fact, I've already walked out. While shaking and tripping over my own feet, I walk out to the judges. I pose for the start of my routine and try to go with the flow. When I make a mistake, the small ones I wave off. The big ones I stutter for a second, but then wave those off too.

On the carpet, I felt like I was the only one in the world. I was in my own little world. I waved off what I did wrong and never thought about it twice. I was in a dream. Everything was perfect even though I waved my mistakes off. But when my routine finished, I snapped right back into reality. When I leave the floor, the scoreboard gives me my score. It's below average. --ohh, how I wish to be a kid again.

There's so many things in life to learn. I've heard that you can't learn it all alone. Take from other people's mistakes. Don't make it yourself, or you'll never get far in life. Don't worry though, you're not alone. Everyone around you: your family, friends, and mentors are here for you. Most importantly, when you ARE alone, when there's no physical bodies with you..God's with you. He's always with you even though you don't notice it. He looks over you. 他关心你. There's no other kind of love like that. You see, it's unconditional. Maybe you're lonely, but remember, He's always there with you.

So no matter if you're standing on the edge of that mat, or if you are in the middle of it waiting for your turn, don't be scared. Watch and learn from others who make mistakes on the floor so that you don't make them too. Fill your head with what's right-Not in the eyes of you or your friends, but in the eyes of the Lord.

I'll be here for you no matter what. It's a promise that I won't break.♥

A New Day Approaching-Change

Today's a new day and I'm going to make the best out of it once again. It's half spring break for me. The sun's been shining like crazy lately. Easter's coming up. It's the day that the Lord has risen. After three days of torture, He rises from the grave. He has wiped our sins away giving us a chance to live once again.

There's so many things that I want to have going on in my life right now. But honestly, there are things I need to throw out. It's those things that you hold so specially to your heart. An idol. Except, it's not exactly an idol. It's not a thing either. The thoughts that enter my mind. The things I think about. Everything.

It's a new day approaching, what can I change? Ohh, now that I have this question in my face..I'll say this. Don't be afraid of change. Ever. Because I'm telling you now, even right now, you're changing. Everyone changes, and you're not the only one. If it helps, I'm with you. I'll be here for you as long as you need me. I'm saying this because I know that I need to change. There are so many things in me that I need to let out. No matter if I've jailed them in for a day, a week, a month, a year, or several years. They need to go, and since it's a new day..I will. Anybody wanna join the club?