Almost There...Almost Summer.

I don't even know where to begin. This past year has been a huge experience. Being able to fly free from everything. Like..actually being able to by myself. Taking care of myself and my schooling. It's been such an amazing step from being homeschooled and I'm enjoying it so much. There were many struggles along the way. The struggle of trying to stay on top when I'm barely capable because I'm interested in having fun instead. But the struggles are almost over for this year..Just one more hard quarter left for this school year. I'm now at the point of realizing what I have upon me in the future. I've said in my blog that I've been scared for many things, but honestly this is beyond scary. I can't imagine my future anymore. That big, bright dream that I've tried to imagine has been dented. I'm not sure why. Am I scared for the future? Hmm. Spring quarter's gonna be a tough end for this year. Somehow I feel like I'll be so isolated from many people..but I guess that's ok. Since I have so much time in the future. My mind keeps telling me to just stay home and work instead of go out or stay home and play. It keeps reminding me that I have so much to do and that I need to accomplish it. That I don't want to meet up with anyone, see anyone, etc. Haha, sad right? I've turned out to be weird. No, I'm not a nerd. It's just..for now. I have weird feelings that I've never experienced before. ODD... But out of all this, I need to keep my focus on God. I've been straying. I'll admit that. A lot. I haven't been doing things right, and I..honestly hate it. I feel like I can't move right now. Like..God's trying to hold me down and remind me to talk to him, get to know him, and share everything with him. Seriously, where have I been all this time?! Just..blinded by so many activities and honestly by relationships. oh....goodbye.

Journey

It's a new road, a new journey, and a new life -just like the day I got baptized. I pray that the Lord will help me through this year and this summer. The things I have to do, the temptations that I'll have, I place them on Him. <3

The decisions I make...they will bring me and others happiness.

Night Of Hope

So I just want to start with something I wrote June of 2010 when I was somewhat in the depths of life.

Where do those pleas go?
Where do my cries go?
When will I be free?
Free of sorrow and sadness,
free of those sinful charges?
What is a family?
What is a life of peace?

I walk through the valley blindfolded.
My cries. My pleas. Does anybody hear them?
Everyday I walk through this darkness.
Am I alone? No. He is here. I believe it.
It's Something that will never leave.
Faith, Hope, Trust, these things I have.
Over the hills I travel, over the mountains I tremble
looking for that person.
Nothing will stop me from reaching my destination.
Through sorrow and despair, Something guides me.
People around me talk
comfort? It's there. Helping me overcome.
I heard the voice, I heard it call to me
but when I ran, I fell. Not into a hole,
not into the ditch, but into quicksand.
Into something I couldn't face alone.
Curse his clutches, he will NEVER get away,
but here I am, stuck in his clutches,
Everyday those struggles sink me deeper.
Everyday I think I'll get out, but another problem arises.
I've sunk as far as I can.
Time runs out, breath runs out.
What will I be of then?
But I believe Something will pull me out.
At my very last Hope. I trust that Something will.

What do teenagers worry about the most? School? Friends? Family? "All the normal stuff" As we'd say. But really, what goes on in our minds?

First before anything, I want to give a small background of myself first. I'm born in a christian family in toronto. I moved here when I was in 1st grade, and have been at SCAC since then. When I came here to seattle, my parents decided to homeschool me and of course, I didn't know what they were doing with me...I was just a kid, so I followed along. Sooner or later, I was getting comments and questions from the rest of my non homeschooled friends about what it was like being homeschooled. If I was really actually segregated from everyone. Isolation. That's probably one of my worst fears. I hate not being in touch with other people. I just can't stand it. Now, I go to Bellevue College. I'm a junior in Highschool doing running start.

Moving on...Hope. I'm a person who doesn't like hoping for something that I can't have. I find that there's no point in doing something when I can't even have it in the end. (Which probably isn't a good thing.) It's part of how I protect myself from breaking my own heart or hurting myself somehow.

Everyone has such busy life! Sometimes it's no time for friends, no time for breakfast, no time for facebook, and no time for God. The day goes by as we think we're living our lives fully. Parents ask how your day went, and you can't answer them but say it's been alright. Because the fact is that, it's not alright. Your relationship with God has gone downhill, you're loaded with homework at school or even work at your job. (work) The econ's going down and you're worried that you'll lose your job. (school) The teachers are scary, and if you don't turn in your homework on time, they deduct 50% from it and you get an F-.

You never know what tomorrow brings you. Whether it's losing your job or having to not sleep for your homework. But it says:

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Everyday has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34

A lot of people have asked me the question: "Are you happy with your life?" Or at least my mother has.

Sometimes my answer is: not particularly. A year ago, I got into verbal fights with my mother 24/7. It's probably because we were always together. I felt like there was no way out. I was trapped. Homeschooled, with nothing. God was above my head. Sunday school was a routine. My life was just...not good. I did not know what to do, and I never went to God about my problems unless they got really really bad. I didn't believe there was any hope that my life and my relationship with my mom would get any better. It had been like that for the longest time I can remember. However, tables turned when she started working after not working for about 20some years. She realized what it was like to be out there in the world. She calmed down, we spent time apart, and arguements were less. Then came the phase where I didn't get much done, and she became stressed with work, and our mouths just blew up. I learned how to pray and learned that I should go to my friend when I'm lonely, when I need someone to talk to, and just..randomly. It was hard to transition to letting Him know of my troubles just because He's not a physical body. He's someone to have faith in. Faith that he was listening and little by little helping me.

The verse that helped me through the anger and tears was in Proverbs 15:1
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

What really turned my life around was September of 2010 -when I started going to BC instead of being homeschooled. I rarely came home early and I always did homework at school and hung out there. Now, it's been about half a year. My relationship with my mother is getting better. I still need to learn how to share more with her, but I realized that God has really blessed me with my life. At all times, he's been leading me towards the right path. From first grade when my parents started homeschooling till the day I stepped into the society and He's still guiding me. After knowing all this, it's my turn to believe it.

But even with that said, I'm a junior and I don't know what I'm going to do, and I don't know what to hope for. Often I still feel like there's no hope for me in the future. There's a burden on my shoulders that never go away. Everyday my parents ask me about SAT's, and lecture me on my life..and what I'm going to do about it. I feel like they're asking too much of me. I'm not as smart as they think I can be. Even though I have those thoughts, I have to know that God is there for me and everyone here. No matter if you're going through struggles with your school, family, friendships, or relationships.

I learned that hope was something that you needed, but had to be careful of. Why is it that you hope for what you hope for? Are the reasons you hope for it right? There were many things that helped me build into that hope. I'm sure that there were times that God was helping build that confidence even when I did not realize it. Even when I was 12 -My first missions trip in HK. I had no idea what I was up to, but I still went. It was very sudden. No preparation, I just went. And when I got there, the leader made me a teacher. The confidence from that adds to the character that I am now. The support from the friends that I made that the first Capture/d/ retreat in 2009 helped me stay strong in my walk with Him. Small tiny details. One on one talks with my friends at school or at church helped me create a new hope for myself, my present, and my future.

I figured that if I paved my path from the outside, it would be easier to know if I were going on the right path or not. It's like playing chinese checkers. The one with the big star?? and where you try to get all the way across the board by jumping over other people's pieces? My parents always gave me a technique. To look for a spot where I want to land, and trace it back to one of my pieces. That way, I won't just pick one of my pieces and say, "Oh, well...lets just see where this leads to." I needed to have a goal in my life. I needed to have hope in what God was/is planning for me. And from there, I live my life full of faith that I'm going the right way. And of course, by that, I'm not saying that I'm perfect right now, because I'm not. No one is. But I'm different from some people now, because I've paved my path and I know that the ending that I want is my goal in life.

Matt 6:21 says:

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

"Greater things are yet to be done, greater things are still to be done in this city"

2011-Blessings

It's been quite a while since I've posted...but since it's a new year, I thought I'd start anew here too.

Ahhh what a long breaaak I've had. One of the most memorable ones I've ever had. First stop was the outlet mall in Oregon, after that we headed to California to hop on a cruise to Mexico and back, then it was to Vegas, back to California, to six flags, and back home. Though on the way back home, we stopped by SanFran for some pictures. There, a car was broken into and most of the things expensive things were stolen (wow. really? how can thieves be SOOO incredibly efficient these days?!), but thankfully, no one was hurt.

You know what I call protection and graciousness? Think about what would happen if we had been robbed before the trip happened? We might have even headed home without the trip. Sad day. God really protected us through the trip. Even though the car was broken into, none of use were hurt. God is so good.

On the way home to Seattle, my brother felt pain in his chest and we rushed him to the hospital. Great right? Another pit stop. Although, this lasted a whole day. Night fell through, and we were still there in the morning.

News came in saying that his lungs had collapsed 30%, and he needed to get the air out of his chest in between the lining of the lung and the lung itself. The doctor suggested that we head through the mountains and let him get the procedure done back home. So that's what we did.

The next day, after a good nights rest at home, he was taken to the hospital for xrays. We thought he would be right out for dinner, but no. He stayed in. He had the procedure done, and was in pain even through the countdown of 2011. Although it was in the hospital room, it was an amazing experience to have the family together for the countdown. The next day, today, he got a CT scan and they said he needed surgery. Oh the chills that ran down MY spine when I heard that. But, he survived. With lots of friends around him to support him, and the family praying for him.

God has given my family so much. No, I haven't just realized that, but...I think it's more time to take advantage of what he's given us.

I think I'll end this here. For now. Happy New Years.

Change

When I say I go too far, I do. In life, there's so much I'd like to stop. So many habits, so many temptations. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of sin. It's scary. To feel like I'm doing something wrong. Is it wrong? It's so hard to not chase after something I want so badly. But right now, it's not something I should be chasing. It's a new life. This fall, it's a new lifestyle. For everyone. My mom, my dad, my sister, my brother..and me. Everything's different now. We're all starting to walk down a separate road. The only thing that ties us back together is that we're one big family. A group of five that loves each other. Other than that we now lead separate lives--most of the time not knowing what the other is doing.

Share. It's the best thing we can do now.

Decisions. I hate them. I tend to chose the wrong ones all the time. Like now. Where's the line drawn? I see no line. I want to develop it, but why is it so hard? I want to do one thing, but when I'm in the middle of everything, I go the other way. I go with what my body tells me to.

Decisions. Are. So. Hard. To. Make.

How will I ever survive? =p

Blinding Light

I'm lucky.
The youngest of three.
the best of all teachings
but why must they take my breath away?
why must they drain all my energy?
they expect too much of me.
This life, this lesson to be learned.
It needs to stop.
everyday I'm worn. Everyday I'm waiting....for something new.
Nothing happens until I stand on my feet looking towards the light that once made me blind.
Being blind opened my eyes wider.
To see the glory.
To see what I was missing.
But in a flash, it was gone.
Now my life has been living itself.
yearning for another look.
I've lived my life for it.
Often falling into holes.
but you, my Savior, you have saved me
once, and will do it again.
Through my strife, through my laziness,
through everything you've been there.
Behind me all this time
waiting for me to turn around.
To learn to never travel ahead of You
To let You lead me so I don't go astray.
I've never forgotten that glory and grace.
I just need a booster through my pain.
let me see it once again I pray.

Inspired by Melissa Grimm

Faith, Hope, Trust

Where do those pleas go?
Where do my cries go?
When will I be free?
Free of sorrow and sadness,
free of those sinful charges?
What is a family?
What is a life of peace?

I walk through the valley blindfolded.
My cries. My pleas. Does anybody hear them?
Everyday I walk through this darkness.
Am I alone? No. He is here. I believe it.
It's Something that will never leave.
Faith, Hope, Trust, these things I have.
Over the hills I travel, over the mountains I tremble
looking for that person.
Nothing will stop me from reaching my destination.
Through sorrow and despair, Something guides me.
People around me talk
comfort? It's there. Helping me overcome.
I heard the voice, I heard it call to me
but when I ran, I fell. Not into a hole,
not into the ditch, but into quicksand.
Into something I couldn't face alone.
Damn his clutches, he will NEVER get away,
but here I am, stuck in his clutches,
Everyday those struggles sink me deeper.
Everyday I think I'll get out, but another problem arises.
I've sunk as far as I can.
Time runs out, breath runs out.
What will I be of then?
But I believe Something will pull me out.
At my very last Hope. I trust that Something will.

Inspired by Melissa Grimm

And....If Anyone Asks...

Nope. I'm not ok. This past week has been such a drag. BC apps...Classes, parents.

"You have a meeting today? Alright"
*goes to the meeting*
(the next day)
"Nope. I'm not registering you into BC. You're not ready. Spend another year in 10th grade."

So much on and off it's making my head dizzy. It's making me spin. It's makes me think that I really really do want everything to end. I just want to live peacefully without any yelling. I want to live comfortably. But apparently, life isn't like that. Life isn't as good as you wish it could be. And it's not even if you're lucky that things would go your way.

Parents parents parents. ohh, what should I do. Am I really the one in control of what I want to do? No...doesn't feel like it. They get to decide on whether or not I get to go into the RS program or not. One day they say yes, then the next, they throw a tantrum and say no...and that's NO. --with a period/end of discussion at the end of it.

Now tell me: what should I do with my life then?
I feel like if I take another year of homeschooling next year, I'll be in ruins. I wish..they would just let me figure out everything alone. I wish they would let me deal with what I want....because it's my life that I'm living..not theirs. Sure, they do have a say in everything I do, they do have a say in letting me to go BC, but....why do they have to make the final decision FOR me?

Let go of me and let me do and strive for what I want. Let me try living my life. If I can't get these things straight, I blame myself. I won't blame you. So let me deal with what I want. Please?

You've taught me enough.

Let Go of Me

Have you ever had the feeling that your parents were holding you back? The feeling or the fact that they want to keep you forever and not let you go? Being the youngest, I think I get the most of that. They keep saying that they want the best for me. They keep saying that they don't want to keep me locked in. Really? Does that work?

I wanna be let go of. I wanna explore. But they think I'm not ready. Not ready to face the world. So when will I be? When do they think I'll be able to stand my ground and face those who stand in my way? They say I'm not mature enough, but the thing is, I don't think that I'll ever be mature enough to face so much. If I'm not let out now, when will I learn? How will I learn? I can't learn when everything in my life is good as can be. It won't do me anything when nothing bad comes my way.

They want me to talk to them about what I face in daily life. But really, I don't face anything. Nothing bad has come my way yet. Nothing that I need help with has hit me in the face. And I'm sure that if they don't let me go, I won't have anything to talk to them about for another year.

There are just some things that I have to learn on my own. Sometimes they just have to learn to let go of me. If I need help, I'll surely come back -which is very very very likely. If I'm not mature enough, I'll definitely come back to them. Nothing will shake me. And that's what I'm hoping. Though I doubt it will be true because I'm not a person who can influence people well. In turn, they're the ones who influence me. But now I stand my ground and say: everything I believe in and everything others say to me, nothing will shake me to fall to the ground.

They...just have to let me go first.

Voice Lessons

So I recently started taking voice lessons. Actually, like really recently.. But anyways, got a new song today! Not really sure who it's by though. It doesn't say =/ Lyrics? haha, here:

Even Now

Even now, I remember all the empty spaces you filled with love.
Even now ev'ry corner of the world we shared is still filled with love.
Even now not a day goes by when I don't ache for you.

Through my tears, I still hear your laughter even now.
Stars will shine when they're gone.
Hearts that break will still beat on.
Letting go's the hardest thing to do 'cause all those feelings start, and time can't change my heart.
It all leads back to you.

Even now, you are in my dreams, and in my dreams you always will be.
Even now, you're the one true thing that brings my heart back home here to me.

When I'm scared I can close my eyes.
You are there, ever young.
And somehow I can always find you even now.
From all memories kept inside, to all the dreams we knew, the rush of you will always be part of me.

Even now you are in my dreams and in my dreams you always will be.
Even now you're the one true thing that brings my heart back home here to me.
Even now in my darkest night, still you shine silver light.
So I fall through forever with you even now.

The Story Of A Mother's Day Weekend

So this past week I've been so occupied with this and that that I feel like I have no more time to think. Now that it's been a week and a half, everything's beginning to just bundle up in my head. It makes me stressed to think about so many things at once. With everything flying at me, and with all the answers hidden, what am I supposed to do? Where can I find those hidden answers? I don't have the time to search for the little Easter egg that contains all the answers.

I haven't been writing much lately. Nothing's been really put onto my mind. Nothing special has been placed in my heart. At least just yet. I'm not gonna lie..I've been procrastinating on everything lately. You name it. You'd probably be right. Sometimes, I wish I could just make things up. I wish that my life was a dream. You never die in dreams, but in reality, you can die. Many times--obviously not literally.

Just a few days ago, I made my mother mad. Yeah, it was mothers day. No... actually, it started on Saturday. I was supposed to do Kelley's hair for her recital that day and then finish up some homework so that I could go watch Iron Man 2. Nope. Didn't work. In the car, I made my mother mad. I just wasn't in a good mood, but in all cases, I wanted to get out. She started going off about an essay that was supposedly due this Thursday. She had told me that I was to finish it this weekend--and knowing me, I procrastinated...and also thought that she meant Sunday. Everything turned wrong in an instant. It's surprising how fast the light of rage could just start to flicker. Doesn't take much apparently. Especially when it's me who makes her mad.

So long story short, she didn't let me go. Or in other words, I didn't get my way. We ended up in a huge fight and half of mothers day was basically ruined. I didn't go to church that morning. I had to teach/sub, but I ended up asking someone else to do it for me. Oh yeah. I felt so bad about that. I still do. Getting asked to sub for someone and saying yes, but in the end asking another person to sub? I felt bad. It's alright though, everything's over with and it worked out.

In the end, we went out for dinner--the whole family-- and then went home to watch a movie after eating the cheesecake that I bought my mother. We didn't talk about the incident after that.

I've got to mend my ways. Everything I do is always so badly thought out. Some things that I knew would happen before hand..but I still do it. It bothers me so much. This character inside my body. It controls me and I want to change it. I WANT to change. Into a new person perhaps? I want to mend my ways. It's always so frustrating when everything doesn't go my way. But I guess life isn't about me. Nothing revolves around me. It's just..me and well, others.

*sigh* so much to do and yet I'm still online. Homework due tomorrow that I haven't finished, and yet I'm still online....ahh, I better go.

May FIRST

So....whatever I was afraid of before May 1st, I'm not anymore....BECAUSE I PASSED THE BC TEST! Although, I am a little afraid of the future.. It's been a tough 10 years and now it seems like I'm finally moving on. On to something new. To me, it seems kinda absurd, but in reality, I'm kinda following a lot of people around me.

So it's my new chance to go out and prove myself to be who I really am. To also prove myself to be a strong christian. I need to finally learn how to stand my ground when I'm around people out there. The times when I feel lonely, the times when I feel separated, I know that I have Him.

So here comes another process of life. A change. A new opportunity to be challenged.

Stress Like Today, Tomorrow, And Saturday

So tomorrow's the big studying day. I'm quite nervous for Saturday.. Which is the BC entrance test. I'm sure I'll do fine...but I'd really really really feel stupid if I didn't make it in. It's all so fuzzy. My future. What I want to do. But I know this. I wanna get out. I want to go somewhere where it's quite and just focus on my surrounding. I don't wanna be so stressed. I want to just let it all out. Live my life happily like everything is fine. Unfortunately, life is hard. Life isn't just full of pleasure. Oh, yes. we wish it were.

I'm already feeling a bit stressed about a small test on Saturday. Now tell me how I'm going to get through this again? Tell me how I'm going to do it with this kinda mood.... *sigh.

Another Working Day To Fulfill

So here it goes to another day! Last week I got lazy off of math and had to do one weeks worth of it in one night. I don't think I slept till 4am. =[ It's alright though. I got 4 hours of sleeeep. Ahhh..sleep. Sounds so good. But here's to a new day with a bunch of new homework. And also to a new WEEK. Lets do this!

ahh, so tired.

I'm soo excited to read everyone's stories on Wed! Hopefully we'll get to share. :] ...just not mine =x

All Done!

After a LONG night of MATH homework..I'm finally off to sleep (:

Ahhh. Sleep. It has never felt better. <3

Treasure it. Whenever you have it.

My First Love

So before I passed my book along, I was reading Crazy Love. It's a great book. Something struck me while I was reading it.

It said that if you love someone, they would always be on your mind. That's great. It's so true too. I believe that if you truly love someone, they'd be on your mind no matter what. So why is God so rarely on my mind? Do I really "not love him"? So many things in this world are always on my mind..Food, homework, family, friends, etc. But I find that the only thing I'm missing is the word "God". My relationship with Him. It's not going anywhere! Communication..Prayers...

It has definitely been on my mind. The question of "Do I really love God the way I sing that I do?" Am I just saying things? Am I being a hypocrite right now? Often in worship the leader says, "I want you guys to sing what you REALLY mean." But I do think that we sing those words just because they're up on the projector. What if we made our own words to the song? Would they be the same? Probably not. Of course I wouldn't want to admit that I don't love God by not singing the song. If I made up a song. It'd probably end up being.

"Lord I love you
but I don't know how to show you.
Lord I love you
but you're not constantly on my mind
Lord I love you
but I need to see you
Lord I love you
but I don't think I know what love means"

Ok, so it's not that case that I don't love God. I really do. I guess I just have to think of Him more. He needs to be constantly on my mind instead of so many other things. It's true that faith plays a big part in this. The people you love..yes, you can see them. God, nope. You can't see him. It takes a huge amount of faith to even know that He's there. I've heard this question before: "What if God ISN'T real? What if you find out later that He's not real. That you just made a fool out of yourself singing and jumping like that?" Then I heard an answer: "I don't mind. I rather make myself look stupid than be wrong like you later." Yeah, that would be my answer too. I rather make myself look like a fool dancing and jumping for God than not believing in Him and then being thrown into the pits of Hades later just to be tortured.

People say that God is their First Love. They tell you to think of him as your First Love. Because when you think of Him as your first love, you give everything to Him. He's always the first in your thoughts. He's always the first in everything you do. So what should I do when He's rarely on my mind? Does it really mean that I don't "love" Him?

Live it

So yes, it's been a FULL month (actually..almost) since I've posted in here. My goodness! Why does time fly so quickly?

It's nearing the summer and it's the time where everyone starts slacking...majorly. Not saying that I don't slack within the year. Oh, you have NO idea. In some classes, it's the time where teachers pile everything that they have left on your shoulders. Nope. Not a good time. Summer's near and I'm sure all you can think of is...no school, vacation, and of course..friends. Homework's starting to get on my nerves. I hate those times where it's sunny out but I'm just stuck inside writing a paper--which is, yes. what I'm doing now. =P

Oh, but you can't forget blogging right? haha, my apologies to those who check my blog consistently -coughjeremycough- and don't get anything out of it because I don't post anything. Ohh, the busy days I have staring at the computer screen not wanting to do anything but sit on the couch and possibly just fall asleep.

Five weeks or 40 days till school gets out for me and oh my goodness. I cannot tell you HOW much my grades are falling rapidly. It's just that end of the year moment where you find yourself diving into the mode of not wanting to do anything. Oh how I hate these moments. =[

Stress stress stress. My BC entrance test is coming up on May 1st and I have no idea what to do. I have so much to do before that. So much to accomplish. Or just that I WANT to accomplish. Nothing's getting done for me and nothing will be done if I don't start alone.

Devotions for me aren't going well just because I'm not focused on that part of my life right now. Hmm. What a wrong way to go right?

I think I have my summer planned. Or at least what I want to do. Since my family's not going back to HK this summer. And I have noooo idea whatsoever if we're going anywhere--which sucks, I'm planning on just working. I wanna get my lifeguard license asap and work at the pool. After that, maybe I'll apply to Emerald City Smoothies on MI or something. We'll seee.

I'm excited for next fall. Going to BC and actually being able to get out of the house more than usual. I hate being cooped up inside this house all day long. Even though there's a nice view and oh I KNOW that many people would kill to have a life like mine. But..augh..nvm I don't wanna complain.

Life..is life. And ya just gotta live it.

Study Group: Commitment and Prayer

Last Sunday, the Girls in New Life (My youth group) started a new Bible Study. One with Commitment and Prayer. We will be meeting twice every month for three months. It's hard enough to stay committed to coming to church twice a week-moreover staying after church on Sundays. But I'm sure that when we spend this time with God, the relationship, the bond will grow tremendously.

At our first meeting we wrote down our prayer requests for this study. I would like to share them in public-also hoping that it is not only us girls who are participating in getting to know God, but also everyone around us. From Dare 2 Share (D2S) this year, I've learned how hard it was to share the Gospel with others who may not especially like listening to you. Much prayer is needed within that area. I've already seen people live the cause out. It makes me proud to see that we haven't stopped here just yet. That D2S wasn't JUST a spiritual high, but an ongoing life-time story that will help others also.

Many of you know that I'm homeschooled. I often ask myself how I can spread the word to others. But now I realize: Maybe I'm the background of everything. Maybe I'm the one who should be praying for those surrounding me and for those who are sharing. I went to school today and joined my prayer group. I have a lunch time of 40 minutes every Thursday. Some of the students there have formed a prayer group. We meet together at lunch and eat together. We go through our prayer requests, and pray together before heading to class again. I haven't actually joined the group consistently-esp. this year since I get there after lunch. But going there today made me realize how awesome it is to have a group of friends around you to pray for you. It was when a mother walked by us and said, "So you guys get together every week and pray together?" when I realized that by doing this, others can see. They can see that we're committed to living out the Gospel. I'm so glad that I have these friends in my life to lead me on. For helping me get back on the right track.

Anyways, this is my prayer list for this study group. May I ask that you guys pray for us too? Actually, not just us...but everyone around us. :] You're in this too, so why not live the cause together while we're at it?

Prayer Request:

-To be able to view God in a deeper level:

-To develop an intimate relationship with him: I've been a Christian "all my life" now and I still don't feel like I totally know what an intimate relationship with him is or just..feels like.

-Develop a stronger bond with him: like our book said. Demolish the strongholds that let you see God, but only from a distance.

-Develop a daily Bible reading habit: I keep saying this to myself over and over again, but it has actually almost never happened. It feels so redundant to say this once again, but....I'm going to try to change it once and for all. :]

-Treat Him like my first love: Just because He truly IS my first love, and I should never forget that.

This list could seriously go on forever and ever. But I think my ultimate prayer request for this journey with you girls is that we all learn the most out of it. Julie or maybe it was Kay Kay. But one of them said: "We'll only learn however much time we put in it." Meaning, if you put in 20 minutes per week, you won't get much out of this study, but if you put 20 minutes per day, you'll get soo much more out of it--and let me tell you now, it's such a great blessing to have so much information just put out to you like that with friends to help you go through it.

Coming To An End

The school years coming to an end already. Just a couple more months--hang in there! Honestly, these few months of school has flown by so incredibly quickly. Although at times, I would just sit in the middle of my empty living room and wonder alone. Daydream--yes, my favorite past time.

They say that time goes by quickly when you're having fun. Am I really having fun though? Are you? Or are we just...growing up? Growing up into the next generation. It's so hard to think that we're up next. We're standing on the edge of the mat that leads to the competition floor. Almost there. Almost there, but not quite. I'm not ready yet. No matter how confident I am, no matter how much I know that I'll blow the audience's mind with my very own routine..I'm not ready. Not ready to go out and perform, oh and I know that. So many things have been lingering in me and I know that it'll make me trip when I start to walk out in front of the judges.

It seems like to me, even though I know those things..I still walk out. In fact, I've already walked out. While shaking and tripping over my own feet, I walk out to the judges. I pose for the start of my routine and try to go with the flow. When I make a mistake, the small ones I wave off. The big ones I stutter for a second, but then wave those off too.

On the carpet, I felt like I was the only one in the world. I was in my own little world. I waved off what I did wrong and never thought about it twice. I was in a dream. Everything was perfect even though I waved my mistakes off. But when my routine finished, I snapped right back into reality. When I leave the floor, the scoreboard gives me my score. It's below average. --ohh, how I wish to be a kid again.

There's so many things in life to learn. I've heard that you can't learn it all alone. Take from other people's mistakes. Don't make it yourself, or you'll never get far in life. Don't worry though, you're not alone. Everyone around you: your family, friends, and mentors are here for you. Most importantly, when you ARE alone, when there's no physical bodies with you..God's with you. He's always with you even though you don't notice it. He looks over you. 他关心你. There's no other kind of love like that. You see, it's unconditional. Maybe you're lonely, but remember, He's always there with you.

So no matter if you're standing on the edge of that mat, or if you are in the middle of it waiting for your turn, don't be scared. Watch and learn from others who make mistakes on the floor so that you don't make them too. Fill your head with what's right-Not in the eyes of you or your friends, but in the eyes of the Lord.

I'll be here for you no matter what. It's a promise that I won't break.♥

A New Day Approaching-Change

Today's a new day and I'm going to make the best out of it once again. It's half spring break for me. The sun's been shining like crazy lately. Easter's coming up. It's the day that the Lord has risen. After three days of torture, He rises from the grave. He has wiped our sins away giving us a chance to live once again.

There's so many things that I want to have going on in my life right now. But honestly, there are things I need to throw out. It's those things that you hold so specially to your heart. An idol. Except, it's not exactly an idol. It's not a thing either. The thoughts that enter my mind. The things I think about. Everything.

It's a new day approaching, what can I change? Ohh, now that I have this question in my face..I'll say this. Don't be afraid of change. Ever. Because I'm telling you now, even right now, you're changing. Everyone changes, and you're not the only one. If it helps, I'm with you. I'll be here for you as long as you need me. I'm saying this because I know that I need to change. There are so many things in me that I need to let out. No matter if I've jailed them in for a day, a week, a month, a year, or several years. They need to go, and since it's a new day..I will. Anybody wanna join the club?