It's Fireproof Right?

I'm writing cause I can't sleep. These days have really been draining all my energy out cause of the heat. But I don't know why I can't sleep tonight. Images and thoughts keep passing through my mind. Random thoughts about how I'm going to say my testimony. Random thoughts about "you". Why did they come back? This afternoon, I sat on the couch downstairs and accidentally started thinking about "you" again. (haha. some of you reading right now probably know exactly who I'm talking about. Esp. the one reading NOW. haha)

I'm so tired and I'm yawning literally like....every minute, yet I can't fall asleep.

I watched fireproof today. Such a great movie! While watching, some things really occur ed to me though. Caleb got respect from the outside world cause he respected them and did things for them. (he gained his respect outside of home.) But with his wife, he expected her to do everything for him.

My thoughts: Is that how I treat my mom too? Do I expect her to do everything for me? Is my attitude towards her like this man is in the beginning of this movie? Hm....maybe that's how I need to change too...ya think?

Many things really struck me as I watched this movie. It made me realize my own attitude. It made me realize how God works in others and it also made me yearn more for God.

I cried in the movie when I saw how this man changed and how God really worked in him. Such a sweet movie. I think it's also a great testimony too. Something great to watch before your baptismal.

It's also great to have friends who care sooooo much for you and lead you in the right path. I really want to be a friend like that. I want to be a friend who leads my friends to Christ. (To lead them to know who he really is-a great, powerful, and loving God.)

Okay. I think I'm finally ready for some sleep now.

Writing my Testimony

I'm getting baptized this Sunday and I had to write my testimony. I haven't had such a great experience in so long. It made me have to think about what happened with my life before. My mind trailed off into stories of my childhood. At first I found it hard to write my testimony. I sat for three days pondering on what I should write not knowing how to start. I had all my ideas down on paper, but I just couldn't put them into words. I took walks everyday to get my mind to think instead of sitting in front of the computer typing a sentence and then deleting it. It didn't help much.

This was the time for me to reflect on my life. This past year so much has happened. So eventful. If I were to tell about this year, it would be as long as the past 13 years of my life. That's how much I've been through this year.

There's so much to talk about. About my past life. What has really happened? God really opened up my eyes to what happened in my life while writing this testimony of mine. I'm thankful that I'm finally going through this experience.

Precious Friendship

I don't know why I started crying in the car yesterday. I just couldn't hold it in. It was that last part. I want to thank you for what you wrote. It kinda opened up my eyes yesterday to certain things. It's greatly appreciated. I'm so glad you're in my life. I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you.

Also, I wanna apologize for what happened in that message. I didn't mean to say something bad, but I couldn't really hold back from pressing the enter button. It's just that when you said, "can she drive", my heart sunk really deep. I was thinking, "Why did she have to ask that? Why does she want him to go that badly? Can't she even have a day without him?" I know you can, but honestly, that was what I was thinking.

~Your In-Law <3

Sister-Brother Wars #1

My cousins are over. We were eating lunch and I broke out into a fight with my brother. I can't really say it totally wasn't my fault, cause it probably was partly my fault. But I don't think it was my fault. Arguing about such little things like, I don't want his food..and him making me eat it is really not worth it. Esp. arguing in front of my parents. I didn't like the way he said, "oh, and you're getting baptized next week? I wish you weren't." Man, did that start my fire. But snapping back at him wasn't really the best idea for me to do. I shouldn't have, but if I kept quiet, he would go on for another freakin five minutes saying all this idiotic stuff. I just couldn't listen to his voice sometimes. I need to learn to block out peoples voices sometimes-well, not in that way. But I need to learn to take things onto my plate and clear it if I don't like it and it's not true like my sister said.

I wish I didn't break out into a fight with him at the lunch table. I gave such a bad image to my cousins. Yes, finally I'm feeling guilty about that. But what can I do? It already happened.

P.S. I named it #1 since I know that they're probably going to be more. haha it's great right?

Common Days

I'm getting baptized in a week. I don't know what to think or what to do. Things finally have kinda calmed down. The house is cleaned, the stress is gone (somewhat), there's no drama, etc.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm teaching my sunday school kids the right things. I feel like I act differently around them than not around them. Gotta work on that. Anyways, I'm heading to bed now. Night!~

List:

• Edit Testimony
• Get homework done
• Do devotions
• Pray about....anything but esp. baptism
• Stop stressing people out

Haha, am I a burden to people? *sigh.

These few days, my brothers really been ordering me around. I dislike it so much. I just wanna smack him on the head and say....stop ordering me around you freak. But, I'll keep that to myself instead. Things have been so hectic at home. I wanna go out. I wanna head out to get some air.

Following Footsteps

I'm reading my sister's blog right now and new thoughts have entered my mind. She has told me not to follow in her footsteps before. I'm sure she knows what she's doing may not be right. I've also thought about it.

What are MY expectations for my spouse? The main one: He has to be a Christian. Will that really happen? I mean, if I come across a guy I really like later....and he's not a Christian what will I do? This used to be my sister's expectations of the guy she likes too, but when she met Jason, it was totally different. I'm starting to wonder if that will ever happen to me. How will I react when I find someone who I really like and then find out that he's not a Christian -- or in fact, a Christian, but only on the "outside"?

After finishing up her blogs, I thought back to my relationship with Geoffrey. Was I really not ready for it? Did I only act according to what was happening? It's true that I don't regret anything that happened....but now that I think back, I really wasn't ready for a relationship. Maybe that's why God didn't let it go on.

Back on track. Yes. I don't wanna follow in my beloved sister's footsteps, but what will I do if the same thing happens to me? Recently, a lot of things that happened to her with my mom has been happening to me. We basically have the exact same upbringing. My brother on the other hand, is just like my mom and follows EXACTLY in her footsteps. He tells her everything on his mind -- or tries to. My sister and I are on a total different level with my mom than he is and ever will be.

Although I'm just like my sister, I still don't wanna follow in her footsteps for my future. I love her dearly, but it's just not my dream to follow her. As for now, I know that this is true -but will it be in the future?

Flowing River of Tears and Raging Sea of Anger

Crying in front of the computer is totally different from crying in front of someone eh? When you're in front of the computer, you're crying to the screen. No one can see you. You don't have to type a message to the other person if you don't wanna, and they still won't know. They won't know how you're really feeling, they won't know what you look like. It's always just that display picture that covers up your real face.

When you're on the computer talking to someone, they're trying to cheer you up using words-mechanical words. You can't hear their voice. You can't hear the way they say it-is it entergetic or slow and calm? When you're talking online, they can't see the tears flowing from your eyes into your lap. They can't hear the sorrowful cries from your mouth.

On the other hand, when you're with someone, you're probably crying in their arms no matter who it is. Spilling your emotions out just cause it's the fact that you can't hold it in. Tears flow like a raging river. No matter how much you want them to stop, they don't. You can't help but just sit there and keep on using the shoulder next to you.

Thanks for helping my friends. I love you all. Through my toughest times, you guys are there.

BUT....

As long as I'm mad, sometimes, I don't even listen to what my friends say. Just like now. I can't help but just pout at everything. Not having my way? Is that really why I'm this mad? Not being able to even go to the mall tomorrow with them? This woman...she talked about the house..the schoolwork, the everything. All she could talk about was work work work.

Can't watch Harry Potter with them either just cause it's about witchcraft? I know you're right about this one. We've gone through movie watching before. Horror Movies. I know that. Approaching my friends and having to tell them why I can't go-having them gasp at my reply-makes me feel like an idiot. This is for my own good..but because of my anger, I can't take it.

I don't think my parents will let me get baptized. They went over it again. Coming out of the water while getting baptized means that you throw your old self away, and here's your new self. Just like 2 Corinthians 5:17 which says:

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

They're saying that I haven't even prepared to throw my old attitude away. Actually, to be honest...ever since I've mentioned getting baptized in front of them, they've been watching me more carefully and telling me every detail of what I've been doing. A lot of the times, they say: "Do this, or don't get baptized."

There's a lot in me to change huh.. There's a lot I need to improve on right? Parents....I know they're for good, but really, what IS God telling me through them?

Stresses

I don't know how to write this out, but I'll try my best. Here it goes. (About the week of 6/20/09 half written at 11:45pm)

An hour went by, then two, then three, and then finally four. Four whole hours wasted in one day. The family sat in the living room. Everything was still and quiet. Not a single word left our mouths. Not even a breath was heard.

We started with a small devotional gathering in the living room which turned out to be a raging sea. Why does mom always think that we're all ganging up against her? It's so not true. It bothers me when she thinks she's right....but really, she's not. She doesn't know how deeply she's hurt me.

Mom's not talking to anyone right now. She's just in her little cucoon...isolated from everyone else. She's sleeping in the laundry room right now. *sigh. I really don't know what to do with her. Making Dad carry her all the way upstairs into his their room and then crying cause she it hurts so bad when he drags her across the wooden floor. How can she do that? Her yells and screams never leave my mind. She makes others obey and listen to her, when she doesn't even consider what others tell HER to do.

Things went on for hours. Seems like things are going to continue forever and ever. This week is/was horrible. The most stressful week of my life. Oh look! A white strand of hair!

I guess I'll just leave everything up to the Lord now. Everything's going to be in his hands. This family will (I hope) reconcile.

Turning Point

It was during a sermon that I found out that Esther Chow wanted to get baptized too. Coincidentally, we both were thinking about getting baptized since Easter. From then on, we began making plans together. We spoke with Tung and Julie, and they said that someone else wanted to get baptized too, but it would have to be in the Summer for her. We had a big debate about having it in the Summer or during the School year in November. If we had it in the Summer, the friends that she would like to have there would be there, but the friends I had would not. If we had it during the school year, then it would be the other way around.

We made our conclusions several times until the week of VBS. Then we made our FINAL decision to do it in the Summer.

During all the delema, I kinda felt as if I were getting baptized based on who was there and who wasn't. Everything went through my mind with "oh, but he's not coming!" or "oh, but she can't make it!" I would very much like these people to come, but if most of the people can come on both dates, and only one person is missing in the summer, then why bother to change the whole thing to a later time? Why do things have to be so difficult and stressful?

Why am I getting baptized? A lot of people give excuses like, "I'm not ready to get baptized." But from what I've learned, you're supposed to get baptized when you become a Christian. As for me, I don't even remember when I became a Christian. Even though I may not remember, I feel like I've been given the call to get baptized. It has been on my mind for a long time already, so why not just go for it?

I'm excited for the day to come, but I still need to set some goals for this "new life" of mine. I don't know if I've really given a lot of thought to "commiting" my life to God. Taking the narrow road towards success.

The Weekend

This past weekend was just great. Lake Chelan was beautiful, but not as beautiful as I thought it would be. (July 10-12, 2009)

Day 1: Getting to Chelan.
As always, we left late. Yes, we're asians alright? Don't judge us. haha JK. At first, we were supposed to leave at 9am with everyone else. Then Dad changed it to 12pm cause we didn't want to wake up so early. We ended up leaving at around 3pm. What a joke. *sigh, so much for that plan!

We arrived at Chelan around 6pm. There was no doubt that everyone was already there. Mabel, Ken, and Ken's cousins were there. That day, I met his cousins: Anthony, Bennett, and Phelim(Philly). They're fun to be around.

Day 2: Full of Fun.
I woke up at around 4am and looked at my camera's clock. When I saw that it was 4, I was liike..."NO WAY!" I went to sleep just to wake up at 5:30am. After waking up twice, I couldn't sleep anymore, so I went down to the beach to have some quiet time and take some pictures. While taking some, I met a photographer who taught me some basics. I posed while he snapped the shutter and the camera went "click".

Near the middle of the day, I injured myself. Left knee and wrist. I laid a huge burden on others to stay with me and help me go places. I felt really bad. Mabel piggy-backed me a lot that night.

At around 10-11pm that night, we all went down to the beach again. Ken and Bennett swam out to the bouy-what an interesting sight. When they came back, we all sat in a circle on the grass and started talking, telling jokes, and playing stupid brain jokes. We ended up getting back to camp at 1am.

This day was the day where we (children) played football, went to the beach, and ate. That was mostely what we did. I got to know Ken's cousins better under the scourching 96 degree F sun.

Day 3: Just about to Leave.
For me, this day was a bit tragic. All I did was sit in a chair and ice my knee and ate. Everyone else ate, packed, had worship, and then we all left.

Minds

He's just a couple clicks of my mouse away, but no. I'm not going to do it.

Sometimes I wonder to myself. Why even block people? There's no point in doing it. I guess it's just for myself. I mean, they'll be able to see me on fb and gmail anyways.....so what DOES it matter?

Lack of Posts

Sorry about not posting for so long. So much has already happened and I cannot keep up. I also truely thank those who give their time into reading these posts. I would love to hear your feedback too! If you think something's wrong, or just want to talk about something, feel free to contact me on Facebook or email! =)
For those who don't know my email, it's: daretodream1.1k@gmail.com

Thanks again! Here's to another post:

VBS started 3 days ago, and it's going pretty well despite my mood swings and all. Some children are quiet, and some are loud and disruptive at times. During these three days, I think that today was the most hectic day. Running up and down the stairs, in and out of rooms, around in circles in the classroom, and finally, into the sanctuary.

I go to church everyday at around 3-4, have a meeting with the TA's, and Pastor Ellie, eat dinner, and then go upstairs to meet the children. Such a long day. I get back home at 10.

Sweat pours down my body as I help the kids in every way I can. Some of the children just like to bring trouble...and I don't appreciate that. But through these experiences, I know God wants me to learn how to keep my patience with the children-something I really gotta learn...and fast.

I'm teaching Sunday School this sunday, and I haven't prepared yet. I feel a lack of time since VBS has been going on. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but I'm always on the computer when I'm not at church. Procrastination is such a failure at life. I hate it....but why do I seem so attached to it? haha. I. wonder.