Almost There...Almost Summer.

I don't even know where to begin. This past year has been a huge experience. Being able to fly free from everything. Like..actually being able to by myself. Taking care of myself and my schooling. It's been such an amazing step from being homeschooled and I'm enjoying it so much. There were many struggles along the way. The struggle of trying to stay on top when I'm barely capable because I'm interested in having fun instead. But the struggles are almost over for this year..Just one more hard quarter left for this school year. I'm now at the point of realizing what I have upon me in the future. I've said in my blog that I've been scared for many things, but honestly this is beyond scary. I can't imagine my future anymore. That big, bright dream that I've tried to imagine has been dented. I'm not sure why. Am I scared for the future? Hmm. Spring quarter's gonna be a tough end for this year. Somehow I feel like I'll be so isolated from many people..but I guess that's ok. Since I have so much time in the future. My mind keeps telling me to just stay home and work instead of go out or stay home and play. It keeps reminding me that I have so much to do and that I need to accomplish it. That I don't want to meet up with anyone, see anyone, etc. Haha, sad right? I've turned out to be weird. No, I'm not a nerd. It's just..for now. I have weird feelings that I've never experienced before. ODD... But out of all this, I need to keep my focus on God. I've been straying. I'll admit that. A lot. I haven't been doing things right, and I..honestly hate it. I feel like I can't move right now. Like..God's trying to hold me down and remind me to talk to him, get to know him, and share everything with him. Seriously, where have I been all this time?! Just..blinded by so many activities and honestly by relationships. oh....goodbye.

Journey

It's a new road, a new journey, and a new life -just like the day I got baptized. I pray that the Lord will help me through this year and this summer. The things I have to do, the temptations that I'll have, I place them on Him. <3

The decisions I make...they will bring me and others happiness.

Night Of Hope

So I just want to start with something I wrote June of 2010 when I was somewhat in the depths of life.

Where do those pleas go?
Where do my cries go?
When will I be free?
Free of sorrow and sadness,
free of those sinful charges?
What is a family?
What is a life of peace?

I walk through the valley blindfolded.
My cries. My pleas. Does anybody hear them?
Everyday I walk through this darkness.
Am I alone? No. He is here. I believe it.
It's Something that will never leave.
Faith, Hope, Trust, these things I have.
Over the hills I travel, over the mountains I tremble
looking for that person.
Nothing will stop me from reaching my destination.
Through sorrow and despair, Something guides me.
People around me talk
comfort? It's there. Helping me overcome.
I heard the voice, I heard it call to me
but when I ran, I fell. Not into a hole,
not into the ditch, but into quicksand.
Into something I couldn't face alone.
Curse his clutches, he will NEVER get away,
but here I am, stuck in his clutches,
Everyday those struggles sink me deeper.
Everyday I think I'll get out, but another problem arises.
I've sunk as far as I can.
Time runs out, breath runs out.
What will I be of then?
But I believe Something will pull me out.
At my very last Hope. I trust that Something will.

What do teenagers worry about the most? School? Friends? Family? "All the normal stuff" As we'd say. But really, what goes on in our minds?

First before anything, I want to give a small background of myself first. I'm born in a christian family in toronto. I moved here when I was in 1st grade, and have been at SCAC since then. When I came here to seattle, my parents decided to homeschool me and of course, I didn't know what they were doing with me...I was just a kid, so I followed along. Sooner or later, I was getting comments and questions from the rest of my non homeschooled friends about what it was like being homeschooled. If I was really actually segregated from everyone. Isolation. That's probably one of my worst fears. I hate not being in touch with other people. I just can't stand it. Now, I go to Bellevue College. I'm a junior in Highschool doing running start.

Moving on...Hope. I'm a person who doesn't like hoping for something that I can't have. I find that there's no point in doing something when I can't even have it in the end. (Which probably isn't a good thing.) It's part of how I protect myself from breaking my own heart or hurting myself somehow.

Everyone has such busy life! Sometimes it's no time for friends, no time for breakfast, no time for facebook, and no time for God. The day goes by as we think we're living our lives fully. Parents ask how your day went, and you can't answer them but say it's been alright. Because the fact is that, it's not alright. Your relationship with God has gone downhill, you're loaded with homework at school or even work at your job. (work) The econ's going down and you're worried that you'll lose your job. (school) The teachers are scary, and if you don't turn in your homework on time, they deduct 50% from it and you get an F-.

You never know what tomorrow brings you. Whether it's losing your job or having to not sleep for your homework. But it says:

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Everyday has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34

A lot of people have asked me the question: "Are you happy with your life?" Or at least my mother has.

Sometimes my answer is: not particularly. A year ago, I got into verbal fights with my mother 24/7. It's probably because we were always together. I felt like there was no way out. I was trapped. Homeschooled, with nothing. God was above my head. Sunday school was a routine. My life was just...not good. I did not know what to do, and I never went to God about my problems unless they got really really bad. I didn't believe there was any hope that my life and my relationship with my mom would get any better. It had been like that for the longest time I can remember. However, tables turned when she started working after not working for about 20some years. She realized what it was like to be out there in the world. She calmed down, we spent time apart, and arguements were less. Then came the phase where I didn't get much done, and she became stressed with work, and our mouths just blew up. I learned how to pray and learned that I should go to my friend when I'm lonely, when I need someone to talk to, and just..randomly. It was hard to transition to letting Him know of my troubles just because He's not a physical body. He's someone to have faith in. Faith that he was listening and little by little helping me.

The verse that helped me through the anger and tears was in Proverbs 15:1
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

What really turned my life around was September of 2010 -when I started going to BC instead of being homeschooled. I rarely came home early and I always did homework at school and hung out there. Now, it's been about half a year. My relationship with my mother is getting better. I still need to learn how to share more with her, but I realized that God has really blessed me with my life. At all times, he's been leading me towards the right path. From first grade when my parents started homeschooling till the day I stepped into the society and He's still guiding me. After knowing all this, it's my turn to believe it.

But even with that said, I'm a junior and I don't know what I'm going to do, and I don't know what to hope for. Often I still feel like there's no hope for me in the future. There's a burden on my shoulders that never go away. Everyday my parents ask me about SAT's, and lecture me on my life..and what I'm going to do about it. I feel like they're asking too much of me. I'm not as smart as they think I can be. Even though I have those thoughts, I have to know that God is there for me and everyone here. No matter if you're going through struggles with your school, family, friendships, or relationships.

I learned that hope was something that you needed, but had to be careful of. Why is it that you hope for what you hope for? Are the reasons you hope for it right? There were many things that helped me build into that hope. I'm sure that there were times that God was helping build that confidence even when I did not realize it. Even when I was 12 -My first missions trip in HK. I had no idea what I was up to, but I still went. It was very sudden. No preparation, I just went. And when I got there, the leader made me a teacher. The confidence from that adds to the character that I am now. The support from the friends that I made that the first Capture/d/ retreat in 2009 helped me stay strong in my walk with Him. Small tiny details. One on one talks with my friends at school or at church helped me create a new hope for myself, my present, and my future.

I figured that if I paved my path from the outside, it would be easier to know if I were going on the right path or not. It's like playing chinese checkers. The one with the big star?? and where you try to get all the way across the board by jumping over other people's pieces? My parents always gave me a technique. To look for a spot where I want to land, and trace it back to one of my pieces. That way, I won't just pick one of my pieces and say, "Oh, well...lets just see where this leads to." I needed to have a goal in my life. I needed to have hope in what God was/is planning for me. And from there, I live my life full of faith that I'm going the right way. And of course, by that, I'm not saying that I'm perfect right now, because I'm not. No one is. But I'm different from some people now, because I've paved my path and I know that the ending that I want is my goal in life.

Matt 6:21 says:

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

"Greater things are yet to be done, greater things are still to be done in this city"

2011-Blessings

It's been quite a while since I've posted...but since it's a new year, I thought I'd start anew here too.

Ahhh what a long breaaak I've had. One of the most memorable ones I've ever had. First stop was the outlet mall in Oregon, after that we headed to California to hop on a cruise to Mexico and back, then it was to Vegas, back to California, to six flags, and back home. Though on the way back home, we stopped by SanFran for some pictures. There, a car was broken into and most of the things expensive things were stolen (wow. really? how can thieves be SOOO incredibly efficient these days?!), but thankfully, no one was hurt.

You know what I call protection and graciousness? Think about what would happen if we had been robbed before the trip happened? We might have even headed home without the trip. Sad day. God really protected us through the trip. Even though the car was broken into, none of use were hurt. God is so good.

On the way home to Seattle, my brother felt pain in his chest and we rushed him to the hospital. Great right? Another pit stop. Although, this lasted a whole day. Night fell through, and we were still there in the morning.

News came in saying that his lungs had collapsed 30%, and he needed to get the air out of his chest in between the lining of the lung and the lung itself. The doctor suggested that we head through the mountains and let him get the procedure done back home. So that's what we did.

The next day, after a good nights rest at home, he was taken to the hospital for xrays. We thought he would be right out for dinner, but no. He stayed in. He had the procedure done, and was in pain even through the countdown of 2011. Although it was in the hospital room, it was an amazing experience to have the family together for the countdown. The next day, today, he got a CT scan and they said he needed surgery. Oh the chills that ran down MY spine when I heard that. But, he survived. With lots of friends around him to support him, and the family praying for him.

God has given my family so much. No, I haven't just realized that, but...I think it's more time to take advantage of what he's given us.

I think I'll end this here. For now. Happy New Years.

Change

When I say I go too far, I do. In life, there's so much I'd like to stop. So many habits, so many temptations. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of sin. It's scary. To feel like I'm doing something wrong. Is it wrong? It's so hard to not chase after something I want so badly. But right now, it's not something I should be chasing. It's a new life. This fall, it's a new lifestyle. For everyone. My mom, my dad, my sister, my brother..and me. Everything's different now. We're all starting to walk down a separate road. The only thing that ties us back together is that we're one big family. A group of five that loves each other. Other than that we now lead separate lives--most of the time not knowing what the other is doing.

Share. It's the best thing we can do now.

Decisions. I hate them. I tend to chose the wrong ones all the time. Like now. Where's the line drawn? I see no line. I want to develop it, but why is it so hard? I want to do one thing, but when I'm in the middle of everything, I go the other way. I go with what my body tells me to.

Decisions. Are. So. Hard. To. Make.

How will I ever survive? =p

Blinding Light

I'm lucky.
The youngest of three.
the best of all teachings
but why must they take my breath away?
why must they drain all my energy?
they expect too much of me.
This life, this lesson to be learned.
It needs to stop.
everyday I'm worn. Everyday I'm waiting....for something new.
Nothing happens until I stand on my feet looking towards the light that once made me blind.
Being blind opened my eyes wider.
To see the glory.
To see what I was missing.
But in a flash, it was gone.
Now my life has been living itself.
yearning for another look.
I've lived my life for it.
Often falling into holes.
but you, my Savior, you have saved me
once, and will do it again.
Through my strife, through my laziness,
through everything you've been there.
Behind me all this time
waiting for me to turn around.
To learn to never travel ahead of You
To let You lead me so I don't go astray.
I've never forgotten that glory and grace.
I just need a booster through my pain.
let me see it once again I pray.

Inspired by Melissa Grimm

Faith, Hope, Trust

Where do those pleas go?
Where do my cries go?
When will I be free?
Free of sorrow and sadness,
free of those sinful charges?
What is a family?
What is a life of peace?

I walk through the valley blindfolded.
My cries. My pleas. Does anybody hear them?
Everyday I walk through this darkness.
Am I alone? No. He is here. I believe it.
It's Something that will never leave.
Faith, Hope, Trust, these things I have.
Over the hills I travel, over the mountains I tremble
looking for that person.
Nothing will stop me from reaching my destination.
Through sorrow and despair, Something guides me.
People around me talk
comfort? It's there. Helping me overcome.
I heard the voice, I heard it call to me
but when I ran, I fell. Not into a hole,
not into the ditch, but into quicksand.
Into something I couldn't face alone.
Damn his clutches, he will NEVER get away,
but here I am, stuck in his clutches,
Everyday those struggles sink me deeper.
Everyday I think I'll get out, but another problem arises.
I've sunk as far as I can.
Time runs out, breath runs out.
What will I be of then?
But I believe Something will pull me out.
At my very last Hope. I trust that Something will.

Inspired by Melissa Grimm

And....If Anyone Asks...

Nope. I'm not ok. This past week has been such a drag. BC apps...Classes, parents.

"You have a meeting today? Alright"
*goes to the meeting*
(the next day)
"Nope. I'm not registering you into BC. You're not ready. Spend another year in 10th grade."

So much on and off it's making my head dizzy. It's making me spin. It's makes me think that I really really do want everything to end. I just want to live peacefully without any yelling. I want to live comfortably. But apparently, life isn't like that. Life isn't as good as you wish it could be. And it's not even if you're lucky that things would go your way.

Parents parents parents. ohh, what should I do. Am I really the one in control of what I want to do? No...doesn't feel like it. They get to decide on whether or not I get to go into the RS program or not. One day they say yes, then the next, they throw a tantrum and say no...and that's NO. --with a period/end of discussion at the end of it.

Now tell me: what should I do with my life then?
I feel like if I take another year of homeschooling next year, I'll be in ruins. I wish..they would just let me figure out everything alone. I wish they would let me deal with what I want....because it's my life that I'm living..not theirs. Sure, they do have a say in everything I do, they do have a say in letting me to go BC, but....why do they have to make the final decision FOR me?

Let go of me and let me do and strive for what I want. Let me try living my life. If I can't get these things straight, I blame myself. I won't blame you. So let me deal with what I want. Please?

You've taught me enough.

Let Go of Me

Have you ever had the feeling that your parents were holding you back? The feeling or the fact that they want to keep you forever and not let you go? Being the youngest, I think I get the most of that. They keep saying that they want the best for me. They keep saying that they don't want to keep me locked in. Really? Does that work?

I wanna be let go of. I wanna explore. But they think I'm not ready. Not ready to face the world. So when will I be? When do they think I'll be able to stand my ground and face those who stand in my way? They say I'm not mature enough, but the thing is, I don't think that I'll ever be mature enough to face so much. If I'm not let out now, when will I learn? How will I learn? I can't learn when everything in my life is good as can be. It won't do me anything when nothing bad comes my way.

They want me to talk to them about what I face in daily life. But really, I don't face anything. Nothing bad has come my way yet. Nothing that I need help with has hit me in the face. And I'm sure that if they don't let me go, I won't have anything to talk to them about for another year.

There are just some things that I have to learn on my own. Sometimes they just have to learn to let go of me. If I need help, I'll surely come back -which is very very very likely. If I'm not mature enough, I'll definitely come back to them. Nothing will shake me. And that's what I'm hoping. Though I doubt it will be true because I'm not a person who can influence people well. In turn, they're the ones who influence me. But now I stand my ground and say: everything I believe in and everything others say to me, nothing will shake me to fall to the ground.

They...just have to let me go first.

Voice Lessons

So I recently started taking voice lessons. Actually, like really recently.. But anyways, got a new song today! Not really sure who it's by though. It doesn't say =/ Lyrics? haha, here:

Even Now

Even now, I remember all the empty spaces you filled with love.
Even now ev'ry corner of the world we shared is still filled with love.
Even now not a day goes by when I don't ache for you.

Through my tears, I still hear your laughter even now.
Stars will shine when they're gone.
Hearts that break will still beat on.
Letting go's the hardest thing to do 'cause all those feelings start, and time can't change my heart.
It all leads back to you.

Even now, you are in my dreams, and in my dreams you always will be.
Even now, you're the one true thing that brings my heart back home here to me.

When I'm scared I can close my eyes.
You are there, ever young.
And somehow I can always find you even now.
From all memories kept inside, to all the dreams we knew, the rush of you will always be part of me.

Even now you are in my dreams and in my dreams you always will be.
Even now you're the one true thing that brings my heart back home here to me.
Even now in my darkest night, still you shine silver light.
So I fall through forever with you even now.